Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Party Like There's No Tomaya !
Well, I've finished packing for Friday's apocalypse. The Mayan Channel forecast for Thursday is: Cloudy, chance of showers with a high of 39. Friday's forecast is: Volcanos, asteroid strikes and apocalypse.
I mean what do you take? What do you leave behind? If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Friday with people trying to get out of town for the end of the world weekend.
Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods on Friday. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much more stupid way, like Michele Obama running for president or Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear bomb launch panel.
Just wanted to let you know - Today I received my 2013 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, two discount coupons to KFC, an Obama "Hope and Change" bumper sticker, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass and a "Blame it on Bush" poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish. Yours should arrive soon.
There’s talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of "The Expendables 3," along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hmmm.....Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Chan. That explains the movie’s next title, "The Can’t-Understandables."
The News As I See It: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head and got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Ravens and, conveniently of course, the Congressional hearings about Benghazi. I'm assuming that due to the concussion, Hillary's memory about Benghazi will be lost. For the next six weeks, Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit.
Sources told ABC News this week that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie "Zero Dark Thirty." It’s also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film "Lincoln."
NBC's foreign news correspondent Richard Engel has been freed after being kidnapped and held at gunpoint for five days in Syria by rebels. Even though he was psychologically tortured, he said he was still treated better there than he was here by Comcast.
A 2009 Ford F-150 pickup truck, once owned by President George W. Bush, is going up for auction in a couple of weeks. All the proceeds will go to military families. Obama should buy this truck because when something goes wrong he can blame it on Bush.
Actress Anne Hathaway was photographed stepping out of a car last week with no panties on. That's still not as embarrassing as the time she hosted the Oscars. You know the economy is bad when even the most successful celebrities can't afford underwear.
A woman in Spain was arrested for stashing three pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. I thought, "That's quite a bust."
To get you into the Christmas spirit, check out the rapper by the name of 2 Chainz. He kinda reminds me of a young ghetto Bing Crosby.
This Date In History: 1732; Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. 1776; Thomas Paine published his first American Crisis essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls." 1843; Charles Dickens published "A Christmas Carol."
1946; War broke out in Indochina when Ho Chi Minh attacked the French. 1972; Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings. 1984; Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997.
1998; President Bill Clinton impeached on two counts by the House of Representatives. 2003; Muammar al-Qaddafi of Libya announced that his country would discontinue development of weapons of mass destruction.
Picture Of The Day: Just good friends.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan. 2) When I argue with my girlfriend, I always get in the last word. It's just that sometimes she can't hear it. 3) Time magazine announced that Obama is "Time's Man Of The Year." This is is in addition to his other title of "The Anointed One." 4) A tree fell in the forest. A man didn't hear it. He's dead now. 5) My friend bought her Christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 19th: Avoid low-level lighting this week and any power lines that you might have to pass under on the way to work. Tomatoes can be your best friend. Go Red for the day (This horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz or the Communist Party). Being sexy and being sexist are not one and the same. Your face may become sore and chapped today due to all the slapping.
Birthdays: Ford Frick sportswriter and radio announcer 1894, Sir Ralph Richardson actor 1902, Leonid Brezhnev political leader 1906, Jean Genet playwright 1910, Edith Piaf cabaret singer 1915, Doug Harvey hockey player 1924, Cicely Tyson actress 1933, Alberto Tomba alpine skier 1966, Alyssa Milano actor 1972, Jake Gyllenhaal actor 1980.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A California couple had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision — why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The priest says, "Just water." The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda in Washington State and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.
Golf Club Sign:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
5. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU TAKE TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
7. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8. QUIET PLEASE WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
9. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE - NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
He moaned, "Louise, tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" Louise answered, "Even worse. You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
John said, "He's an asshole! Piss on him." Louise said, "You did, and he fired you." John said, "Well, screw him!" Louise said, "I did. You go back to work on Monday."
That's it for today, my little tinsel toes. Remember, unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
That's it for now. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !