Monday, December 3, 2012

But Wait, There's More !

My distaste for products sold on TV with the infamous price of "only $19.95" continues as the holidays approach. When I hear the words, "But wait! There's more!", I usually switch channels. They go on to say they're giving "two" products for the same price followed by "just pay separate shipping and handling" (e.g. another $19.95).

Why can't they send the two products in one package? I'm assuming they're making more money sending them separately (duh). But fret not, my little ducklings, there's a "money back guarantee for the life of the product." That is, of course, unless the selling entity is a shell corporation created solely for that particular product. In that case their "guarantee" is worthless because they transfer the assets to yet another corporation.

"Not sold In stores." Of course not. Can you imagine hundreds of angry customers making a run on Best Buy, Sears or Walmart? Okay, not so much Walmart. A lot of the crap Walmart sells is comparable to the "only $19.95" products, as well. In Walmart's defense, however, they do have some great prices on national brands. But, I digress.....

I'm sure that Barry Obama's pet project, Solyndra, promised their customers a money back guarantee as well....until they went bankrupt. Oh well, you can't win them all, although it would be nice to see you win one, Mr. Sotero.

The bottom line? Caveat Emptor.......let the buyer beware. Oh, and avoid any product televised for $19.95.

The News As I See It: The big topic continues to be the "fiscal cliff." That’s not a term that normal people use. People don’t relate to that. They should use words people understand like: "We are headed for 'broke-ass mountain'." It's that they need more colorful metaphors. Another way to explain it: "It's 4 a.m. for our economy and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel."

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, she was arrested for assault in New York City. She punched another woman in the face and knocked her down at a club. This is the closest she has come to a hit in years. But it doesn't look good for Lindsay. Because of her previous arrests, if convicted, she could face some serious jail minutes.

Obama and MittRomney had lunch together at the White House today. In fact, Romney offered to buy Obama lunch but the president said, "No, no it’s on our grandchildren. They’ll take care of it. Don’t even worry about it."

This Date In History: 1818; Illinois became the 21st state in the United States. 1833; Oberlin College in Ohio became the first coed institution of higher learning in the U.S. 1910; Mary Baker Eddy, founder of the Christian Science movement, died. 1919; French painter and sculptor Pierre A. Renoir died at age 78.

1967; Dr. Christiaan N. Barnard performed the world's first successful human heart transplant. 1984; A cloud of deadly poison gas leaked from the Union Carbide plant in Bhopal, India, killing over 4,000 people.

Picture Of The Day: Although self-explanatory, I couldn't help but remember the first time my dad took me fishing....

Teach a kid to fish !
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The saddest day of my childhood was when the other kids told Santa Claus I wasn't real. 2) I hate people who say "Age is just a number." Age is clearly a word. 3) My friend Murray is making a Jewish porno film - 10% Sex, 90% guilt. 4) Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you. 5) Times sure have changed. In biblical days, when an ass spoke, it was a miracle.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius December 3rd: During the week things will suddenly seem brighter, more vivid and happier. People you meet will see the difference in you, wondering "Have you had a haircut?", "A facelift?",  "Liposuction?".

The truth will be much simpler and more exciting than they could possibly understand. Yep, after five days and a fleet enema, you had a bowel movement. What a pity that you cannot share the news. 

Birthdays: Gilbert Stuart, painter 1755, Ellen Swallow Richards, chemist and educator 1842, Anna Freud, psychoanalyst 1895, Jean-Luc Godard, film director 1930, Ozzy Osbourne, rock musician 1948, Julianne Moore, actress 1960, Daryl Hannah, actress 1960, Katarina Witt, skater 1965, Brendan Fraser, actor 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A drunk was brought in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost.

The priest asks, "Bishop, would you like a martini?" The Bishop replies, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest says, "Rosary, get the bishop a martini."

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." The man answers, "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." The woman replies, "So you're single!"

They married and after a number of years the man announced his secret to making a marriage last. He said, "Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman named Jill stood up at her church's testimony meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. Jill went on, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food and can hardly lift anything. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations.

She continued, "He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up. Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation and worked his way up to the pulpit, in obvious pain.

He adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation, "My name is Jim and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is, "sternum."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific. The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

That's it for today, my little snow angels. Remember, a birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jack69 said...

Good read my friend. I am enjoying your sharp wit. I have heard that age is just a number a long time, thanks for a good 'come back'.

Just missed a chance to tell my son you said Childhood was like being drunk, Sherry hung up too soon, I think, she was afraid I was going to ask the difference in Scrotum and Sternum.

Be real careful, on these roads many have no idea where they are going and some never find out. 'specially if Lindsay is driving.

Paula said...

I hate those TV advertisements and why would anyone order a Chia Pet?