Friday, February 1, 2013

Did You Know That All Great Lovers Have Bad Memories Or Did I Tell You That Already ?

Ah, February, the month of love, which brings a new wave of nauseous commercials in addition to the current plethora of mind numbing crapola currently dominating the air waves (read: my clean PC, Joe theisman's Beta badda boom prostate and the over the hill has-beens shilling reverse mortgages).

Yes, my little pitty-pats, This month brings us the countless ads for teddy bears, teddygrams, Snuggies and assorted jewelry. Oh, and I almost forgot. It's also black history month. If there's one thing I really look forward to all year, it's black history month..... 

A public school teacher was arrested at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Holder said, "Al-Gebra is a problem for us. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by Obama. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

The News As I See It: Former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino has admitted he fathered a child while having an extramarital affair with a CBS production assistant. I don't know why people are surprised — the Dolphins never gave him good protection. Today Manti Te'o said, "See, that's why you have imaginary girlfriends."

Obama went to Las Vegas to speak about his new immigration plan which came the day after a bipartisan group of senators unveiled a similar plan. Coincidence, copy cat or glory hog? Afterwards Obama was harshly criticized by the locals for speaking in English. Obama's plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants or as the illegals call it, "a tunnel."

A new show premiered on the FX network called "The Americans." It's about Russian spies embedded in Washington, D.C., during the Cold War. They're Russian agents who look like us, talk like us, but all of their relationships are based on a big lie. The first episode of this spy show was great. Their mission was to fake a drivers license for a young socialist Kenyan boy living in Hawaii.

An employee of the U.S. Postal Service is retiring after 44 years without using any of her sick days. Friends describe her as “dedicated,” while co-workers describe her as “that lady who gave me the flu.”

John Kerry, former senator from Massachusetts is the new secretary of state. For four years Hillary Clinton served as the secretary of state and in a moving ceremony, Hillary official turned over the pants suit.

This year marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s "I Have A Dream" speech as well as the 1 year anniversary of my girlfriend’s "I had the weirdest dream" speech. Guess which one was longer?

Beyonce continues to remain silent about charges that she lip-synced the national anthem but Manti Te’o said it sounded very real to him.

Women can now serve on the front lines in combat. Up until now, the only woman who had ever seen action under a general was Paula Broadwell.

Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis once again denied using the banned substance deer antler velvet extract. He says these accusations are nothing more than a trick of the devil.

"Deer antler extract? What deer antler extract?"

This Date In History: 1790; The Supreme Court of the United States convened for the first time, in New York City. 1862; Julia Ward Howe's poem "Battle Hymn of the Republic" was published in the Atlantic Monthly.

1884; The first volume of the Oxford English Dictionary was published. 1946; A press conference announced the first electronic digital computer, ENIAC, was held at the University of Pennsylvania.

1960; Four black college students began a series of sit-ins at a white-only lunch counter in Woolworth’s, Greensboro, N.C. 1968; During the Vietnam War, a Viet Cong officer was executed with a pistol shot to the head by Saigon's police chief and the image captured in a famous news photograph.

1979; Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini returned to Tehran after 15 years of exile. 2003; The space shuttle Columbia disintegrated as it tried to reenter the Earth's atmosphere after a sixteen-day mission in space. All seven members of the crew were lost.

2004; Janet Jackson's famous "wardrobe malfunction" occurred at Super Bowl XXXVIII. 2009; Johanna Sigurdardottir takes office as Iceland's first female prime minister.

Picture Of The Day: Curiosity.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new study has found that leafy greens are the leading cause of food poisoning, which means most Americans have nothing to worry about. 2) Taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep on coming back. 3) Polynesia is defined as memory loss in parrots. 4) Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is. 5) Having sex with her is just like a rock concert. We yell and scream and when she wants an encore, she flicks her lighter. That's when I have to tell her that Elvis has left the building.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 1st: They say every day is a winding road. This will be especially true this week when you find your love walking down a winding road with you. Fret not that you're carrying a gas can as love blinds many hopeless romantics.

Birthdays: My pals Cindy and Nancy Lee - Happy Birthday ladies !  19XX, Edward Coke, jurist 1552, Hattie Wyatt Caraway, U.S. senator 1878, John Ford, film director 1894, Clark Gable, actor 1901, S.J. Perelman, comic writer 1904, Dame Muriel Spark, novelist 1918, Boris Yeltsin, Russian president 1931.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

He says to the Lab, "You talk?" The Lab says, "Yep." After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA."

The Lab went on, "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

The Lab said, "But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'The owner says, "Ten dollars" The guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" The owner replies, "Because he's a bullshit artist. He's never been out of the yard."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda in Washington State and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Obama and the entire US Congress. They're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?" The man replies, "About a gallon."

A farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what’s that under your arm?" The old farmer said, "That’s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." The ticket agent said, "We don’t allow animals in the theater."

The irritated old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

Mildred whispered, "Marge, I think this guy next to me is a pervert." Marge replied, "What makes you think that?" Mildred whispered, "He unzipped his pants and is exposing himself." Marge said, "Well, don’t worry about it, At our age we’ve seen them all." Mildred said, "Yeah, but this one is eating my popcorn."

That's it for today, my little billy goats. Remember, when your gecko is broken, you a reptile dysfunction. I'm going out to AREA 51 for some good music and recreation.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Good read. Not sure about the Al-Gebra but I don't doubt there is another Nobel Prize.
(Just thinking, what was the first one for? I cannot remember) Anyway After reading I know what Sherry was lauging about.

Oh BTW I agree with the Farmer, I bet the dog is lying.
Have a great weekend be careful, make some good music and try to make it home on time. This is FEB, ain't it? .