Monday, February 25, 2013

Racing and Crashes and Oscars - Oh My !

It was an interesting weekend with the crashed marred Nascar Nationwide race on Saturday and the Daytona 500 on Sunday afternoon. Sunday night topped off the weekend with the glitz and glamor of the Academy Awards. If you happened to be a gay Nascar fan, the weekend must have been Nirvana.

Saturday's Nationwide series race was marred with a horrendous last lap crash which injured at least 30 people when car parts flew into the grandstands. At least 12 cars were swept into a melee on the final lap with rookie Kyle Larson’s car lifting off the ground and slamming wheels-first into the frontstretch grandstands near the flag stand.

The front wheels and engine from Larson’s car flew into the grandstands. No fatalities were reported but two people taken to the Halifax in Daytona Beach arrived in critical condition and one of those had life-threatening injuries, but both are considered stable.

Sunday's Daytona 500 was won by Jimmy Johnson with pole sitter Danica Patrick finishing a respectable 8th position, the highest finish ever recorded by a woman.

The Academy Awards were long and tiring as usual but there were a few outstanding moments. Argo won the Oscar for Best Picture and for some strange reason the presentation was read by Michele Obama. Perhaps it was just Hollywood left "boosterism" and propaganda for the White House or possibly because Barack did not win the Oscar for Best Dramatic actor.

Daniel Day-Lewis won the award for best actor for his role in "Lincoln" and Jennifer Lawrence won the Best Actress award for "Silver Linings Playbook." Ang Li took the Best Director award for "The Life Of Pi".

All in all, if you could stomach some of the hokey sets and song and dance scenes, it was an interesting night. From the previews that I had heard about Seth MacFarlane as host, I expected a bad performance, but overall, I think he did a good job.

The News As I See It: The Academy Awards was a lot of people you've never met thanking people I've never heard of. It was television's answer to JetBlue. You sit there for four hours waiting for it to take off. The show is four hours long, yet they give out awards for editing. That takes a lot of nerve. Pope Benedict was nominated for an Academy Award. He was up against "Lincoln" for best big hat.

A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets.

The price of gas is so high, Lindsay Lohan is now forced to choose between drinking or driving. She can't afford both.

The very first Woolworth's five-and-dime opened on this day in 1879. They went out of business in 1997. You know why? They were nickel and dimed to death.

There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China.

Pope Benedict was very underrated. The guy wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks. How bad is that? Now they're looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week's tryout with Kelly Ripa. It's reported that after the Pope retires he'll receive a relatively small pension, so don't be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads "Will Pope for food."

A 104-year-old-woman is complaining that she can’t put her real age on Facebook because the birth dates only go back as far as 1910. Facebook said it will solve the problem by either adding the dates or just waiting it out.

This Date In History: 1570; Elizabeth I, queen of England, was excommunicated by Pope Pius V. 1836; Samuel Colt patented the first revolving barrel multishot firearm. 1870; Hiram Revels became the first black United States senator, taking over the term of Jefferson Davis.

1901; J.P. Morgan formed U.S. Steel Corporation, the first billion-dollar corporation in the world. 1948; Communists took control of the government in Czechoslovakia. 1964; Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion for the first time by knocking out Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.

1983; Tennessee Williams, American playwright, died. 1986; President Ferdinand Marcos fled the Philippines; Corazon Aquino took over the office. 1990; Violeta Chamorro was elected president of Nicaragua, a victory for opponents of the Sandinistas.

Picture Of The Day: Bambettes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "your account's overdrawn." 2) I went to Sears the other day to buy some camouflage fishing pants, but I couldn't find any. 3) Have you ever woke up with your face in a plate of nachos and an Amish horse and buggy parked in front of your house? either! 4) "Uh, no, you've got the wrong number. This is 91..2." 5) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 25th: Spiders have feelings too - an undeniable but useless fact when the vacuum cleaner strikes! Bask in the glory of your achievements today discounting, of course, the fact that a spider family no longer has a father figure to rely on on.

Birthdays: Pierre Auguste Renoir, French artist 1841, Enrico Caruso, tenor 1873, John Foster Dulles, Secretary of State 1888, Dame Myra Hess, pianist 1890, Anthony Burgess, novelist 1917, Bobby Riggs, tennis player 1918, George Harrison, musician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" All answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in America by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." Her companion replies, "That's a bit odd, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart and says, "Two dogs, please," The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers, "What part did you get?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed.

Two old men, Murray and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"

The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Murray, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the "F" word."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys." The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, "Wait!" The priest says, "What’s wrong?!" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Nancy sticks her ass in it."

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. The Queen said, "Oh Dear! How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." The Archbishop said, "It's quite understandable, your highness. As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse."

That's it for today, my little jelly beans. Remember, a married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Good read, enjoyed the Nascar write up. I forgot what I was gonna type, but I remember you was right about JJ Jr.

Take care, I B forgetting my mistakes...