Monday, February 4, 2013

Today's Post Is Rated "R"


Sarai Sierra, a 33-year-old mother of two, went missing January 21 while on vacation alone in Istanbul, Turkey. Her body was found on Saturday, 12 days later, in a low-income district of Sarayburnu near the remnants of the city's ancient walls. Police said she had suffered a fatal blow to the head. Police have detained nine people in connection with the case.

Prosecutors in Istanbul got a court order Monday for authorities to take blood and DNA samples from 21 people already questioned in the death of the New York city woman.

I have no idea why anyone in their right mind would ever voluntarily visit or work in any city in the middle east. It's a desert of barefoot idiots who live in the same conditions and with the same mentality for over 2,000 years. If anyone has the desire to be killed by idiots, you don't have to go to to the mid-east. Just take a trip to Chicago or Detroit and save your family the cost of shipping your body home.

The White House has released a picture purporting to show President Obama "skeet shooting" at Camp David. An activity he claims he does "all the time." The White House has further suggested that the photograph not be photoshopped, to wit:

"This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House."

I wholeheartedly agree with White House and remembering the famous political duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr, here's a picture that I'd like to call: "The Duel Between Barry Soetero and Barrack Hussein Obama."

....in a perfect world....
Congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens for their Super Bowl win over the San Francisco 49ers. The Ravens took advantage of every opportunity presented to them and played a solid game. San Francisco, on the other hand, played a good offensive game but their defense was pathetic, letting too many plays get by them.

The News As I See It: The state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs Obama is always talking about.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world's largest social network is raising money for the world's largest governor. Did you know when you poke Chris Christie on Facebook, your computer giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. The hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment.

The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it’s time to move on, while his mother says he's still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him.

This Date In History: 1783; England proclaimed the formal end to the hostilities with the United States. 1787; Shays's Rebellion, an uprising of Massachusetts farmers, was defeated. 1789; George Washington and John Adams are elected the president and vice president of the United States.

1861; Delegates from six southern states met at Montgomery, Alabama, to form the Confederate States of America. 1945; Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin met at the Yalta Conference. 1948; Ceylon (now Sri Lanka) gained independence from the United Kingdom.

1969; The Palestine National Congress appointed Yasir Arafat head of the Palestine Liberation Organization. 1974; Patricia Hearst, granddaughter of newspaper mogul William Randolph Hearst, was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

1976; Benjamin Britten, British composer, died. 2003; The country of Yugoslavia disappeared, to be replaced by the loose federation of Serbia and Montenegro.

Picture Of The Day: Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr, two prominent American politicians. The former Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton and sitting Vice President Aaron Burr pistol dueled on July 11, 1804 at Weehawken in New Jersey. Burr shot and mortally wounded Hamilton. Hamilton was carried to the home of William Bayard on the Manhattan shore, where he died at 2:00 p.m. the next day.


Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Hold that pose, my camera is ringing. 2) Hey baby, call life alert because I’ve fallen for you and I can’t get up. 3) According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal women were. 4) I roasted a duck last night, but I don't think he got all the jokes. 5) Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 4th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair. Beware of people offering free screen savers.

Birthdays: My sweet pal Maria - Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Tadeusz Kosciusko, general 1746, Fernand L├ęger, painter 1881, Charles Lindbergh, American Aviator 1902, Clyde William Tombaugh, astronomer 1906, Betty Friedan, feminist 1921, George Romero, filmmaker 1939, Dan Quayle, vice president 1947, Oscar De La Hoya, boxer 1973.


Burr-Hamilton Duel
Warning: Today's jokes are a bit on the blue side and appropriately rated XX.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch."

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut."

Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"

The next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."


The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories (Warning: Today's jokes are rated XX ).

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself."

The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God says, "Uh, yes." Ford says, "Well, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much.
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

God says, "Hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper. God reads it and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, Henry, but according to my computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A mother was driving the family van behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out of the back of the truck and hits her windshield dead-on, sticking to it.

To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!" To which her 8 year old says, "I'm surprised it could even fly with a dick that big."

A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents.

She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator." She said, "Finally, I do thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator."

That's it for today, my little cheese cakes. Remember, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

This system is acting strange. Thanks for a good read. I think my copulator can't cope.

Thanks again I'm off whilst this is working...