Monday, February 18, 2013
Elvis Returns To Endorse Reverse Mortgages
Elvis is alive and has returned to endorse reverse mortgages being offered by ScrewAmerica mortgage company. Presley joins the throng of over-the-hill and/or dead actors who have jumped on the reverse mortgage bandwagon as a means to supplement their Social Security income.
Presley, feeling refreshed and frisky after taking Coach Jimmy "Dickhead" Johnson's male enhancement pills, said that he would also be taking over Johnson's job because Johnson doesn't know dick about women. Johnson could not be reached for comment but his representative said that he was seeking immediate medical attention because his entire body had become rigid for more than four hours.
Elvis no longer has any frequent bathroom urges thanks to Joe "the shill" Theisman's Super Beta Prostate pills and will also assume that position from Theisman, who suffered minor injuries in an automobile wreck last weekend. Things got worse when Theisman mistook the black actor who does the All State commercials for Barack Obama.
State Farm Insurance seemed to take offense about Theisman's case of mistaken identity and suggested that the rumor that Madison Avenue is using the White House as a money making tool is completely false. They further stated that the issue is nothing more than a Republican rumor and that their black actor looks nothing like All State's black actor or Barack Obama.
State Farm said that they just took three average people off the streets and made the commercial. You can see for yourself in the State Farm commercial that all three people are truly representative of their respective backgrounds. Personally, I sho' do thanks my State Farm agent fo' heppin' us dumb ass white folks out. Meanwhile, Elvis has left the building.....
Authors Note: The above information became available to Jimmy's Journal after using MyCleanPC, MaxMySpeed, FinallyFastPC and ScamMeBecauseI'mStupidPC.
Note: Remember to mute my music Tunelist located on the lower left of the page.
The News As I See It: Happy birthday to New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg, who recently turned 71 years old. They had a lovely party down at city hall. They had a big cake and the mayor stood up on a big stack of his money to blow out the candles.
The song "Gangnam Style" has been named best song for kids to listen to while brushing their teeth. However, it is the worst song to listen to during everything else. Personally, I think most parents would rather have all their kids' teeth fall out than hear that song one more time.
A man in Georgia was arrested for stealing a Krispy Kreme doughnut truck and leading police on a high-speed chase. The police charged him with one count of grand theft irony.
This Date In History: 1546; Martin Luther, German leader of the Protestant Reformation, died. 1564; Michelangelo Buonarotti, Italian painter, sculptor, and architect, died. 1885; The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain was published.
1930; Pluto, the ninth planet in the solar system, was discovered by American astronomer Clyde Tombaugh. 1953; The first 3-D movie, Bwana Devil, opened in New York.
2001; FBI agent Robert Philip Hanssen was arrested and charged with spying for Russia. 2001; Dale Earnhardt, Sr., died from injuries sustained at the Daytona 500.
Picture Of The Day: Words are not necessary.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Scientists have found that the ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. What a coincidence, so does my Uncle. 2) I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance period. 3) Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute? 4) Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. 5) My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 18th: You must be cautious to ensure that you can make a quick getaway should unexpected events occur. I usually rely on the coded to text to my friend to call me with an "unexpected emergency". This plan won't work if you're already naked, so plan ahead.
Birthdays: LMy sweet pal Bonnie - Happy Birthday girl ! 19XX, Louis Comfort Tiffany artist, decorative designer 1848, Sholem Aleichem, author 1859, Charles Michael Schwab, steel magnate 1862, Helen Gurley Brown, editor, author 1922, George Kennedy, actor 1925, John Travolta, actor 1954, Matt Dillon, actor 1964, Molly Ringwald, actress 1968.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby!" The woman, deeply hurt, just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong, you look angry?" She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
The man said, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him. The woman says, "You're right sir. I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "Good! You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
After Obama was elected president, he was spending his first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington suddenly appears and Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." Obama says, "Ouch! I don't know about that. That's how I got elected."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." Obama says, "Oh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."
Eric continued, "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure. Cross my heart!"
Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." (Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer).
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."
That's it for today, my little mushroom caps. Remember, while everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
That's it for now. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !