Wednesday, February 13, 2013
It Was Love At First Sight - I Should Have Looked Twice
Tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day, a special day when men make that last minute attempt to come up with a semi-clever way to say "I Love You" to their significant other. I'm no expert, but I can give you a few ideas as to what not to give.
Let's begin with the 4 1/2 foot tall Vermont Teddy Bear. 4 1/2 feet tall....and....it's guaranteed for life. By whom? For life? Who keeps an overgrown teddy bear for life? Who gets custody of old Teddy if there's a divorce? Will there be child support payments until he's eighteen?
Additionally, a big ix-nay for the Pajamagrams and Hoodie-Footies. If you opt to go with these items, I'd keep a nice tennis bracelet or earrings for her as a backup. But that's just me.....
Other bad ideas for St. Valentine's Day gifts include:
1) Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
2) Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
3) Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
4) Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
5) Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
The bottom line? If the gift is heartfelt and sincere, most anything will make them happy. You see, it's the thought that counts.....
The News As I See It: Obama gave his State of the Union address last night. It was a real break from tradition. When Obie walked into the chamber, instead of "Hail to the Chief," they played "Hey, Big Spender." I gave up trying to decipher his new code words for new taxes about half-way through the speech and went to a more intelligent program - Honey Boo Boo.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a false argument to say that the white house have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what they actually have is a "We don't have a clue" problem.
The Pope is resigning. He said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. I guess he took that Notre Dame loss to Alabama a lot harder than people thought. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.
The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well.
Now the Cardinals will vote for a new pope. When the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.
Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!
This Date In History: 1866; The gang that included Jesse James and Cole Younger committed their first bank robbery in Liberty, Missouri. 1867; Johann Strauss's Blue Danube waltz premiered in Vienna. 1935; Bruno Hauptmann was found guilty of murder in the Lindbergh kidnapping case.
1960; France exploded its first atomic bomb. 1974; Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who won the 1970 Nobel Prize for literature, was deported from the Soviet Union. 2002; The French judge was accused of throwing the pairs skating decision to the Russians at the Olympics.
Picture Of The Day: The peace and tranquility of the bayous, sloughs and backwaters of the mysterious swamplands found in the Florida Everglades, Okefenokee Swamp and the Louisiana bayous.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Admitting to shooting the sheriff is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy. 2) That whole "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" thing doesn't work so well with cats. 3) Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. 4) I once wired St. Valentine's Day flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse. 5) Over the years, I have learned that writing poetry for St. Valentine's Day, no matter how heartfelt, should not begin with, "There was once a girl from Nantucket".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 13th: Today is a great day for lovers everywhere. Your instincts will help you find love in places where people are either inebriated or are known to be easy.
Birthdays: Sir Joseph Banks, naturalist 1743, Elizabeth "Bess" Truman, First Lady 1885, Grant Wood, painter 1891, Georges Simenon, mystery writer 1903, William Shockley, physicist 1910, Chuck Yeager, American aviator 1923, Kim Novak, actress 1933, Stockard Channing actress 1944.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the animal that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge."
He continued, "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll screw her again!"
An old Cherokee once told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth."
The boy thought about it and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
While sharing prayers in church, Jill rose and said, "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. Jill said, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He can hardly lift anything and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need."
Jill continued, "He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain. He leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
That's it for now. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !