Friday, January 10, 2014
My Hair Is Migrating To My Ears
At what point in life does the body decide it's time to begin to thin your hair and change the color to grey? Seemingly, at the same time, it also decides to begin to grow hair out of every possible orifice on your face at a growth rate that's eerily alarming.
Whatever the reason, the body, for its own security, must feel that if the eyes open one day and see the person in the mirror with completely grey hair, it will signal the brain that surely someone is terribly wrong. So the body uses a slow but sure sneak attack.
It begins when you find that first grey hair, which to some degree, amuses you. Little by little, the body throws in another grey hair here, one there, thinning the hair on its merry way and the next thing you know, you hair is referred to as "salt and pepper."
Women, on the other hand, usually become somewhat hysterical at the sight of a grey hair, which accounts for the billions of dollars earned yearly by cosmetic companies.
Then, one day, you notice that your nose hair, which you normally groom weekly, now has a growth rate of about a half inch a day and oddly, hair now begins to grow out of your ears at the same rate.
So, now you have parts of your head trying to grow through your thinning hair and the hair growth process has accelerated and moved to your nose and ears. Thoughts of "Just For Men" begin to grow in your mind until one day, you go for the old "touch up".
Now, for the first time in your life, you experience and live through the term "chemical burn" which abruptly ends the hair coloring plan. You suddenly begin to admire women who suffer through this process.
Finally, the body's "coup d'etat" is that one hair, expertly hidden by the body in a remote area that your eyes rarely see, which is roughly five inches long. Once found and cut, this "wild hair" now grows even more rampantly and the first real signs of life in "the home" begins to be a realization in your mind's eye. Trust me, I know. I've escaped three times.....
The News As I See It: New Jersey Governor Christie's office was involved in a traffic lane closure at the George Washington Bridge. It clogged up a major artery, causing a huge traffic jam. Christie is denying any personal involvement. He said he was too busy clogging his own arteries at the time.
Christie doesn't know yet if he's running for president in 2016. I guess he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it. Pundits are saying this could hurt his 2016 presidential campaign. The ironic thing is this: Now that Christie is denying everything he sounds even more presidential, doesn’t he?
Health experts are calling 2014 "the year of the flu." Apparently, the dominant strain of the flu this year is the swine flu. I thought the swine flu was history. But just when we thought it left us, it has come back to make people sick and wreak more havoc, sort of like Dennis Rodman.
This Date In History: 1776; Thomas Paine's Common Sense, which greatly influenced the authors of the Declaration of Independence, was published. 1863; The first underground passenger railway, the Metropolitan, opened in London.
1920; The League of Nations came into existence. 1946; The first General Assembly of the United Nations convened in London. 1967; The first African-American senator elected by popular vote, Edward Brooke of Massachusetts, took his seat.
1984; The U.S. and the Vatican reestablished diplomatic relations after a 117-year break. 2003; North Korea announced that it was withdrawing from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.
Picture Of The Day: I'm unsure what he witnessed, but it must have been bad....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Last year, my girlfriend sent me the text, "I bought you the best Christmas present ever! xox :)", I was hoping she misspelled Xbox. Wrong again, gamer breath. 2) When Satan goes bald, there will be Hell toupée. 3) It's that time of year again to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids!... I meant my kids. 4) Whenever I see someone on Facebook posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment, "Who's that next to you?" 5) I said to her, "I want to kiss you everywhere!" She said, "You mean New York, Paris and London?" I said, "Uh, yeah, that's what I meant.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 10th: Today is going to be like most days, certainly in terms of its length and the frequency of sun-rises to sun-sets. Lunchtime is the best time of day for you today. All your problems cannot be solved by putting them in one basket full of eggs. That doesn't sound right, let me re-check the tarot cards.....
Birthdays: My friends Judy and Larry - Happy Birthday 19XX, John Root, architect 1850, Robinson Jeffers, poet 1887, Dame Barbara Hepworth, sculptor 1903, Donald Knuth, mathematician and computer scientist 1938, Rod Stewart, singer 1945, Donald Fagen, pop musician 1948, George Foreman, World champion boxer 1949, Shawn Colvin folk singer 1956.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At a parent-teacher meeting in Kansas City, a teacher asked a mother how to pronounce her child's name, "Le-a." The teacher guessed, "Leah"? The mother answered, "No." The teacher tried, "Lee - A?" The mother replied, "Nope." The teacher continued, "Lay - a?" Again, the mother said, "No!"
The mother becomes irate because everyone is getting her child's name wrong. She finally says, "It's pronounced 'Ledasha'.". When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
So, if you see something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
There are reasons why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends.
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em. When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and quickly walked there.
At the station, she asked the attendant to give her a quart of gasoline so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The attendant told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it to someone else.
She told the attendant that she was in a hurry and would look in her car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could easily hold a quart of gas. She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendant filled it with gas.
The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the bedpan into her car. Just as she started pouring, two drunks walked by. One of the drunks said to the other, "If that car starts, I'm converting to Catholicism.
It was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16-gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Clem took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he regained consciousness and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Clem, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
Clem asked, "What's the bad news?" Dr Sven said, "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."
Clem said, "Well, I guess that isn't too bad. Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" Dr Sven replied, "Not exactly, she's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."
That's it for today, my little cherry blossoms. Remember, if it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !