Monday, January 27, 2014

State Of The Union? - Same 'Ol, Same 'Ol

Obama will give the State of the Union address tomorrow night and, like most presidents before him, it will be a huge helping of the same old shit.

George Washington, having difficulty in finding the proper words for his first State of the Union address, decided to pass to future presidents, a basic outline that would sound profound and presidential, yet avoid addressing past errors, omissions and general screw-ups.

Tomorrow evening, as we watch and listen to President Barry Soetero's 2014 version of shuck and jive, you may want to have this handy little presidential speech outline at your side. Obama, of course, will be reading his version from the teleprompter.

Here is the basic draft, revised and edited, that has been passed down over the years from liar to liar president to president. You may fill in the blanks as to what Barry will address:

Good evening, my fellow ________ . As we are all aware, this past year has been ________ for many of us. Our ________ has been tested. Tonight, there are_________ of citizens, without ________ , not sure of where their next _________ will come from. If we are to overcome ________ , we must work together. This administration has _________ the aisle, working together with _________ to outline a plan that will _________ . I urge Congress to pass _________ . This is not a political move. This is a necessary step to restore the nation's ________ , because my fellow ________ , I assure that despite _________ , the state of our Union is strong.

The News As I See It: As you know, Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach for DUI, drag racing and resisting arrest. One embarrassing moment when he said to the cop, "Don't you know who I am?" and the cop said, "Miley Cyrus?"

There are reports that AOL and Yahoo are planning a huge merger, which is pretty much the business equivalent of hearing Vanilla Ice is touring with MC Hammer. AOL and Yahoo have been trying to connect for years, but apparently someone in the house was on the phone.

In this New Year, 2014, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.

This Date In History: 1880; Thomas Edison was granted a patent for his incandescent light. 1944; The Soviets announced the end of the two-year siege of Leningrad. 1945; The Russians liberated Auschwitz concentration camp, where the Nazis had killed over 1.5 million people, including over 1 million Jews.

1951; The U.S. Air Force started atomic testing in the Nevada desert. 1967; The Apollo I fire killed astronauts Grissom, White, and Chaffee during a simulated launch at Cape Canaveral. 1973; Vietnam War peace accords were signed in Paris.

Picture Of The Day: There's a cold snap all over the northern states. I can feel the pain. Miami will get down to 60 degrees tonight. Brrrrr..... 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got in touch with my inner child today and the little shit hung up on me. 2) You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet and try to put your seatbelt on. 3) The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he's probably lying. 4) I hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn't make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad. 5) God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - January 27th: Today's gift to you is: He who makes love at awkward angle, gets back problems for next day.

Birthdays: My friend Tammy - Happy Birthday girl 19XX, Wolfgang Mozart, Austrian Composer 1756, Lewis Carroll, writer 1832, Samuel Gompers, labor leader 1850, Jerome Kern, composer 1885, Hyman G. Rickover, admiral 1900, Samuel C.C. Ting, physicist 1936, Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancer 1948 John G. Roberts, Jr. jurist 1955, Frank Miller, artist, writer 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper smiled and said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort, hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back and frustrated, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Indians. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!"

They put oil on his back,\ and a large Indian whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back and he can hardly move. The Indians haul the German away.

The chief says to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

The Indians ask the American, "What will you take on your back?" The American replies, "I'll take the Mexican."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." The child asked, "What's that mean?" Her mother replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

That's it for today, my little cupcakes. Remember, give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Good read this evening. We are in agreement on the State of the Union address, very well covered.
I remember once I wished the commode had a seat belt! OUCH!
I've lived in DC and I will admit counting them busses can be tough!!!!
Thanks for the education and laughs..
And about that groundhog!......

Paula said...

I took that bus to the capitol one time and I think I will see if I can get me a pair of alligator shoes.