Friday, October 10, 2014

The Difference Between Men And Women

The main reason men and women stay together is sex. The reasoning, however, varies according to who you ask. Men have a goal and once attained, become useless. Women, on the other hand, are more romantically inclined and tend to overlook the faults of men.

Other than sex and the eventual propagation of the species, men and women are like oil and vinegar. If you shake them real well, they serve a purpose as does the aforementioned oil and vinegar when put on salad. But sooner or later, they separate and tend to hang out among their own.

Lets take a gander at the following situations, shall we?

Nicknames: If Ileana, Linda, Luly, Joann, Julie, Paula, Sandra and Yolanda go out for brunch, they will call each other Ileana, Linda, Luly, Joann, Julie, Paula, Sandra and Yolanda. But if Mike, Jack, John and Rob go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Beer Breath, Dipshit, Skinny and Tubby.

Eating Out: and when the check comes, Mike, Jack, John and Rob will each throw in a $20 bill, even though the total bill is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Bathrooms: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 37. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good.

By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than Jed Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.

When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about twenty years ago, before he will do his laundry.

When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Seinfeld."

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Further Observations:

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.

Women always worry about things that men forget.
Men always worry about things that women remember.....

The News As I See It: A guy purchased Willie Nelson's hair for $37,000. Willy cut his braids and the guy bought them for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000. This is the kind of decision you make after spending the day on Willie's tour bus.

Obama went to Gwyneth Paltrow's home for a democratic fund raiser and the newly single Paltrow gushed and almost wet herself in his presence. Paltrow, an obvious Hollywood libtard should have brought up the war with ISIS and the current Ebola outbreak. Obie and Gwyneth, what a pair.....

This week, they had one of those special lunar eclipses called a blood moon. The moon was glowing red, which means that the Republicans have gained another seat in the Senate.

Kim Jong Un is missing. Nobody's seen the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for about a month now. His daughter, Kim Kardashi Un, is worried. She really became concerned when he didn't show up at George Clooney's wedding.

Today is the 10th anniversary of when Martha Stewart had to go to the penitentiary. Martha was in a minimum security facility, sort of like the White House.

A survey found that more than half of Americans see Obama's time in office as a failure, while the rest said, "You saw him in his office? When?"

This Date In History: 1845; The U.S. Naval Academy opened in Annapolis, Maryland. 1886; The tuxedo dinner jacket made its debut at a ball in Tuxedo Park, New York. 1911; Sun Yat-sen's revolutionaries overthrew the Manchu dynasty in China.

1935; George Gershwin's opera Porgy and Bess debuted on Broadway. 1943; Chiang Kai-shek took the oath of office as president of China. 1970; Fiji gained its independence from Great Britain.

1973; Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned after being charged with tax evasion. 1985; Actor and director Orson Welles died in Hollywood at age 70. 2001; California representative Nancy Pelosi became minority whip. 2002; The US Congress gave President Bush authorization to use military force against Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Secret Service director Julia Pierson resigns. Well, not exactly. They told her to clear her desk and get out or resign.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think the president and members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms just like NASCAR race drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. 2) There's nothing better than a good friend except a good friend with chocolate 3) They say that it's healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out Square Dancing across America. 4) My friend told me he thinks that everyone hates him. I said he was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met him yet. 5) Every time I walk into AREA 51 for happy hour, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 10th: This day is tailor made for you. Go to a nice restaurant for lunch and buy a few lottery tickets. Oh, and buy gas... Don't buy more than a half of tankful as the prices will continue to fall. Chances for romance are 67.62 percent and even higher if you've got gas.... from the gas station.... You know what I mean!

Birthdays: Jean-Antoine Watteau painter 1684, Henry Cavendish physicist and chemist 1731, Benjamin West painter 1738, Giuseppe Verdi composer of opera 1813, Robert Gould Shaw soldier, Civil War figure 1837, Helen Hayes actress 1900, Alberto Giacometti sculptor 1901, R. K. Narayan novelist 1906, Thelonious Monk jazz pianist 1917, James Clavell, (Charles Edmund DuMaresq de Clavelle), screenwriter, director, producer, novelist  1924, Harold Pinter dramatist 1930, Ben Vereen actor, dancer 1946, Amanda Burton actor 1956, Tanya Tucker country singer 1958, Brett Favre football player 1969, Dale Earnhardt Jr. auto racer 1974, Mya singer, actor 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Dave walks over and asks Norm what's wrong. Norm replies, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" Dave replies with a smile, "Yes."

Norm, straightening up says, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." Dave says, "Great, When are you going out?" Norm says, "I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my truck and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did get a woody, it wouldn't show." Dave says. "That's a good idea."

Norm continues, "So I get to her door and rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." Norm says, "And what happened then?" Norm slumps back over the bar again and says, "I kicked her in the face."

A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license and they'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Ebola In Texas

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

The attorney began complaining and insulting the nurse, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out! He continues cursing at the nurse as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room and says "What's going on here?"

The attorney snottily answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless.

The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

That's it for today, my little aardvarks. Remember, If you get a Department of Homeland Security email titled, "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi. I'm going to mosey on over to AREA 51 for happy hour. It's been a while since I've moseyed.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Brother Jimmy, your mama was good on advice......... and true to, because you don't know where that has been! (smile) Enjoyed the read anc comparrison, for self preservation I ain't commenting...
But you are right about no need for both of us to remember!...
have a good time as you mosey, but REMEMBER MAMA's words!