Friday, October 17, 2014

The Heartbreak Of Sports

The 2-3 Miami Dolphins play Chicago this weekend and the team has been cautioned about the dangers of Ebola. If last week's loss with seconds left to go against Green Bay is any indication, chances are they won't catch anything.

Of course, there's the high crime rate that is becoming synonymous with Chicago, but the people of Chicago already have an NFL team, so they're accustomed to it. All NFL teams have received a newsletter informing them about the dangers of Ebola. Meanwhile, Ebola has received a letter about the dangers of the NFL.

More Football: Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested for stealing cologne and a two-pack of underwear from a store in Texas. That's disappointing for two reasons. First, he was stealing. Second, he couldn't outrun a mall security guard. He’s an NFL running back. Break a tackle!

The Nascar Sprint Cup Chase Championship goes to race at Talladega, Alabama this weekend and after the numerous on and off track incidents in Charlotte last weekend, racing three and four abreast at over 200 mile per hour should make for an interesting race.

The Camping World Truck series races on the high banks on Saturday afternoon with the Sprint Cup drivers duking it out on Sunday.

The News As I See It: Obama is trying very hard to put people at ease about Ebola. Obama said he hugged and kissed some of the nurses in Atlanta who had treated the patients with Ebola. After kissing Obama, all nurses involved were rechecked for Ebola.

Speaking of monkeys, The government of Gibraltar gathered about 30 monkeys that they call "problem monkeys" because of their destructive behavior and shipped them off to live in Scotland. I don't know about mixing monkeys with Scottish people. They can be violent, nasty and unpredictable. So be careful, monkeys.

A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. I think that's a bit critical. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style.

There's a drought in Los Angeles and the mayor said residents should cut water use by 20 percent. Unfortunately, he said it in English, so nobody understood him.

The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called "Operation Inherent Resolve." They came up with that name using "Operation Random Thesaurus."

New York City is still overrun with rats. There are so many rats that Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat spayed or neutered.

Forbes has released their list of top-earning deceased celebrities. The richest famous dead person this year is Michael Jackson. He earned $140 million this year. You have to admire Michael's work ethic. A lot of big stars stop working when they die.

This Date In History: 1777; British Gen. Burgoyne surrendered in Saratoga, N.Y. during the American Revolution. 1931; Mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion for which he was sentenced to 11 years in prison.

1933; Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany. 1979; Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor in Calcutta, India. 1989; An earthquake measuring 7.1 in magnitude killed 67 and injured over 3,000 in San Francisco.

Picture Of The Day: The Miami Dolphins lose to the Green Bay Packers as the Pack scores with four seconds remaining in the game.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower. 2) I need a vacation. It took me 15 minutes of my girlfriend talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car. 3) Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers can still be a great source of protein.

4) I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom and I went in, only to find my girlfriend in bed with 10 ducks. I'm heartbroken. 5) The city of Chicago got started when a bunch of people in New York said, "You know, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 15th: You may not be pleased with today's experiences, but tomorrow will be great. Keep in mind that half the people in the world are below average. So hang loose pilgrim, tomorrow will be a better day. Chance of romance is 66.47 percent today increasing to 89.04 percent tomorrow.

Birthdays: My friend, Elaine - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX,   Nathanael West, novelist 1903, Irene Ryan, actress 1903, Arthur Miller, playwright 1915, Rita Hayworth, actress 1918, Montgomery Clift, actor 1920, Evel Knievel, daredevil 1938, Margot Kidder, actress 1948, Mae C. Jemison, physician, astronaut 1956, Ernie Els, golfer 1969.

Another beautiful photograph by Oscar Lopez

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?"

The new farmer replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far enough apart."

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not."

The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney: said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A rich Texas oilman and his wife were having dinner when a stunning woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "She's my mistress." His wife says, "That's the last straw. I want a divorce and I'm going to hire the meanest, most aggressive lawyer I know and make your life miserable.

The husband says, "I understand, but remember, if we get a divorce, we'll have to divide everything. I'll have to sell our estate, so that we can buy two two smaller homes. I'll have to sell the Rolls-Royce, so that we can buy economical cars. It will mean no more vacations in the Caribbean, no more country club privileges and you'll have to give up all your charge accounts."

Just then, a mutual friend came in with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The wife asks, "Who's that with Jim?" The husband says, "That's his mistress." His wife says, "Ours is prettier!"

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison."

The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

An old drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I just love ballerinas." The woman stares at the drunk and replies angrily, "I'm not a ballerina!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. I'm joining my friends in AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Some great lines tonight. especially liked the Michael jackson line.
Thanks for the fun.
PS I also liked the Chicken man!! I am still smiling...
Take care....