Monday, October 27, 2014
They're Coming !
Halloween week begins today and some people begin wearing their costumes to work, especially Nancy Pelosi, who wears her costume year round. On Halloween night, these vampires, zombies, ghost, ghouls and goblins will knock on your door and make verbally veiled threats of tricks. Chances are, though, you can buy them off with a few pieces of candy.
We used to have Halloween parties when I was married, but I hate wearing costumes. My wife complained so much that eventually, I figured out a way to wear a costume without wearing a costume.
Since I like to dress in dark colors, I wore black pants and a black shirt and fashioned a white collar out of the box where I bought the shirt. I put on a grey suede jacket, et voila, "Father Jimmy."
This ruse proved rather useful after my divorce as I wore that costume to many Halloween parties and "saved" many females.
At one of our Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My ex-mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked "Where is the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.
So, beware my little pumpkins. In the coming days, every slimy, low life will come out from under their respective rocks trying to entice you to give them something. These creepy bottom feeders will phrase their request in the form of a veiled threat, inferring that if you do not, something bad may happen.
Yes, my little goblins, voting day is November 2nd.
The News As I See It: Last Friday was United Nations Day. The U.N. Is the world's foremost institution for drafting strongly worded letters. Critics have accused the U.N. of being indecisive. To that, the U.N. replied, "Uh, not true."
In New York, a schoolteacher celebrated her 100th birthday. All of her students hid in the classroom and surprised her with a big party. They were hiding and they shouted, "Surprise!" May she rest in peace.
Actually, the 100-year-old teacher is fine. Today she was hired as a new reporter for "60 Minutes."
This Date In History: 1787; The first of the Federalist Papers, which called for the ratification of the U.S. Constitution, was published. 1904; New York City's first rapid transit subway, the IRT, opened.
1938; Du Pont announced that it would name its new synthetic yarn nylon. 1978; Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin were named winners of the Nobel Peace Prize for their work toward a Middle East accord.
1997; The Dow Jones industrial average fell 554.26 points, forcing the stock market to shut down. 2004; After an 86 year wait, the Boston Red Sox finally captured a World Series trophy.
Picture Of The Day: A lot of people like to dress up for Halloween as Michael Jackson. This is one of my favorite masks.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Decades have gone by and my parents still have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me "for safe keeping". 2) Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. 3) Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 4) In politics, Deja Poo is described as the feeling that you've heard this shit before. 5) It is said that the only difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is one degree in the normal reading. Personally, I think the main difference would be in the taste.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 27th: Alas, the morning will be useless but buck up my friends, the evening will go very well. Most of your dreams will come true over the coming weekend, so prepare for wealth, love and the chance of romance is 87.63 percent.
You may think later this week that your computer has been hacked by your sexy 19 year old neighbor, Marie, but you will soon come to realize that actually, a ferret has chewed through the cord of your mouse.
Birthdays: My friends Kat and Valerie - Happy Birthday girls! 19XX, Erasmus, humanist 1466, James Cook, explorer and navigator 1728, Niccolò Paganini, violinist 1782, Isaac Singer, American inventor 1811, Theodore Roosevelt, 26th president of the United States 1858, Emily Post, etiquette authority 1873, Dylan Thomas, poet 1914, Roy Lichtenstein, painter 1923, Sylvia Plath, poet 1932, John Cleese, actor 1939, Maxine Hong Kingston, writer 1940, Roberto Benigni, actor and filmmaker 1952.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent."
She went on, "As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back and says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas, although still silent, smells terribly." The doctor says, "Ok, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing."
A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.
The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."
The woman asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A completely drunk man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and placed his hand on her leg. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." The woman screamed, "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" The drunk muttered, "Hey, you even sound like her."
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. His father asked, "So, did you jump today?" His son answered, "Well, we got up in the plane, the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" His father asked, "Is that when you jumped?"
His son said, "Not yet. Then, the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." The father asked, "So, that's when you jumped?" The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." The father asked, "So, did you jump?"
The son said, "Not then." The son continued, " He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"
The son went on, "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"
The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son replied, "Well, a little.....at first."
That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember,if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !