Friday, October 3, 2014
What's In A Name, Rumplestiltskin?
Yesterday, I heard the phrase, "that's Jake with me" used in a movie and I wondered who the hell is Jake and why should I care. Jimmy cracks corn and I don't care either. This, of course prompted my feeble little mind to delve into some of the other phrases I've heard over the years.
One of the phrases I've often heard is, "He's a regular Joe." Since one of my best friends is named Joe, I began to wonder if he was a "regular Joe." What, if after all these years, I come to find out that he's an "irregular Joe?"
Furthermore, what does regular pertain to? Coat size, bowel movement....Oh God, manhood?" The thought begins to creep me out. I think I'll just assume that my pal, Joe, is a "regular Joe" and leave it at that!
There's the well known and seemingly prompt, "Johnny on the spot." What spot? And if I find the "spot" and Johnny leaves that spot, does his name change? I know that some places referred to as "Johnny on the spot" allow you to relieve yourself in times of need. Is that the same Johnny? I've also heard that same receptacle referred to as John. So, do you go to the John or to the Johnny on the spot? I thought Spot was the dog.....this is so confusing.
Then there's Peter and Paul. I always felt sorry for Peter because he was consistently being robbed and Paul always came into new found money every time Peter was robbed. At first, I thought maybe Luly robbed Peter, but she claimed she was with Paul. So, why would people rob Peter? Is it to pay Paul over some stupid bet? I don't think that's right!
Yet, Peter and Paul seem to be doing well with their chocolate candy Mounds company and word has it that they're not bad musicians either, moonlighting in the local bars with some chick named Mary. Most people who have seen Peter and Paul perform with Mary have also wondered why Peter was always robbed when he wasn't with Paul. Hmm.....
For the love of Pete, you'd think that someone living the life of Riley would understand that things are always not Hunky Dory. The fact is that not everyone sees the forest for the trees.
I've tried to explain this fact to my Mexican friend, Manuel Labor, many times but he's always too busy asking his friend, "Jose, can you see." Funny thing, every time Manuel asks that question to Jose, everyone stands up, removes their hats and places their hands over their hearts.
I don't always understand why these things happen and I'm not naive. I spend a lot of time socializing in AREA 51 and I hear and see these things happen all the time.
The other day at the bar, some woman was complaining to her girlfriend about something. I didn't hear all of the conversation, but I think it was something about Disney World because she mentioned that someone tried to slip her a Mickey. She said when she went to her room, somebody tried to Jimmy her lock. It wasn't me. I was cracking corn......
Pelosi Takes Issue With The Term "Illegal Aliens During Wednesday Press Conference.
Reacting to a question from a reporter about whether Obama’s planned executive actions should also deal with Iraqis living illegally in the United States, Pelosi corrected the reporter who used the term "illegal aliens."
Pelosi questioned, " Are you referring to undocumented people who are in the United States?" The reporter responded, "Illegal aliens, yes ma’am." Pelosi said again. "Undocumented people, OK."
How did this moron ever get elected?
The News As I See It: After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned. She said she'll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open, literally. Pierson’s being replaced by the White House’s new state-of-the-art security system — a scarecrow.
The Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary. They maintain they can use lethal force to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch.
In California, Governor Jerry Brown signed the first state-wide ban on single-use plastic bags at grocery and convenience stores. I think it's very interesting that a guy named Brown is forcing us to buy paper bags.
This Date In History: 1226; St. Francis of Assisi, founder of the Franciscan order, died. 1863 President Lincoln declared the last Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day. 1922; Rebecca L. Felton became the first woman U.S. Senator when she was appointed to serve out the term of Senator Thomas E. Watson.
1929; The Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes formally changed its name to the Kingdom of Yugoslavia. 1955; Captain Kangaroo and The Mickey Mouse Club premiered on television.
1974; Frank Robinson was named the first Black manager in major league baseball. 1990; East Germany and West Germany united to become Germany, 45 years after being split into two countries at the end of World War II.
Picture Of The Day: The infamous Betty Boop. This one's for my sister-in-law Regi.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera. When he takes a picture, the camera goes "Crick". 2) I met her in a revolving door and I've been going around with her ever since. 3) Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today. 4) I tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again. I gotta quit drinking while I'm cooking. 5) I am the man of the house and what I say to her goes.....in one ear and out the other......and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 3rd: Fridays are great and you've got a job. That's what's important. It will get even better! The Bachelor of Arts degree you have will move you from the deep fryer to MacDonalds manager soon. Chances of romance are 91.5 percent.
Birthdays: My friend, Ronnie - Happy Birthday 19XX, John Ross, Native American chief 1790, Pierre Bonnard, painter and illustrator 1867, Thomas Wolfe, American novelist 1900, James Herriot, writer 1916, Gore Vidal, writer 1925, Dave Winfield, baseball player 1951, Stevie Ray Vaughan, blues musician 1954, Tommy Lee, rock musician 1962, Clive Owen, actor 1964, Gwen Stefani, singer 1969, Neve Campbell, actress 1973.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."
A sailor said to Captain Jack as he saluted, "Skipper, a special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here." Captain Jack ordered, "Read it to me!"
The sailor began reading nervously, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy." Captain Jack responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?"
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69"
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks, "You wanna Kung pao chicken wif broccori?"
A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!".
Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!".
That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.......Mark!
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. The mother mouse to her baby, "See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"
That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, political correctness is expanding. Now you have to refer to blondes with limited intelligence as a light-haired detour off the information superhighway. Fridays mean a trip to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !