Monday, September 29, 2014

Obama Is "The Teflon Prez"

Obama made an appearance on 60 Minutes to reassure everyone that he’s in charge during this fight against ISIS Islamist terror. When Steve Kroft asked Obama how ISIS went from the "jayvees" in January to a 40,000-man army sweeping across the Syrian-Iraqi desert in June, Obama explained that the buck stopped.....uh, at the office of James Clapper.

What? Is the prez the new "Teflon Don?" Obama shifted the blame for the ISIS surprise this spring to American intelligence? Obama: "Well I think, our head of the intelligence community, Jim Clapper, has acknowledged that I think they underestimated what had been taking place in Syria."

They? If that’s the case, why is Clapper still drawing a paycheck? After all, this is the same James Clapper that deliberately misled Congress about the NSA’s domestic data trawling, so it’s not as if he’s a universally credible figure anyway. Now we seemed to have missed the emergence of one of the biggest terror threats since the Taliban in Afghanistan took over after we helped push the Soviets out and Clapper still has a job.

If the buck-passing has any credence at all, Obama would have canned him in June. Besides, as Kroft immediately points out, that’s actually not what Clapper said anyway. His testimony regarded the collapse of the Iraqi army, not the rise of ISIS.

The US military and intelligence communities warned that would happen if we took the zero option in Iraq, so in that sense no one underestimated the threat except Obama himself.

It didn’t take long for the intel community to react to Obama’s claims. Just hours after the 60 Minutes interview ran, Eli Lake’s sources provided the response at The Daily Beast. It seems "they" have a few things to say about the president who usually loves to say "I" and offered this blunt rebuttal:

Reached by The Daily Beast after Obama’s interview aired, one former senior Pentagon official who worked closely on the threat posed by Sunni jihadists in Syria and Iraq was flabbergasted. The former official said, "Either the president doesn’t read the intelligence he’s getting or he’s bullshitting."

In prepared testimony before the annual House and Senate intelligence committees’ threat hearings in January and February, Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, the recently departed director of the Defense Intelligence Agency, said the group would likely make a grab for land before the end of the year. ISIS "probably will attempt to take territory in Iraq and Syria to exhibit its strength in 2014."

Of course, the prediction wasn’t exactly hard to make. By then, Flynn noted, ISIS had taken the cities of Ramadi and Fallujah, and the demonstrated an "ability to concurrently maintain multiple safe havens in Syria."

It amuses me when Obama says, "I killed bin Laden" and they underestimated what had been taking place in Syria. Ego? 'Ya think?

The News As I See It: Political reporters are complaining that the White House has been asking them to edit some of their stories to make the president look better. The White House said that's not true, and those reporters should please change what they said.

It's already autumn. Can you feel the difference in the seasonal change? Today,Obama got off of his helicopter and saluted a Marine with a cup of hot cider.

Chris and Bruce Jenner are getting a divorce. If for any reason Bruce is ever arrested for any crime of any sort, being married to a Kardashian counts as time served. Bruce is putting on a brave face. His plastic surgeon said it would be ready by Thursday.

Last Friday was Johnny Appleseed day. It's a real day to celebrate the famous guy who went around America sowing his seeds wherever he went. He was the 19th century Arnold Schwarzenegger.

This Date In History: 1399; King Richard II became the first English monarch to abdicate his throne. 1829; Sir Robert Peel's police force, the "bobbies," began operations at Scotland Yard. 1895 French chemist Louis Pasteur died.

1978; John Paul I died one month after becoming pope. 1982; Seven people died after taking Extra-Strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide. This led to the use of safety seals on most consumer products.

1988; The space shuttle Discovery was launched, the first American staffed space flight since the Challenger disaster. 2001; Former South Vietnam president Nguyen Van Thieu died.

Picture Of The Day: No thyme, no reason, just funny.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why am I always behind morons at McDonald's who act like they've never seen the menu in their life? 2) What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone's life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook? 3) She said, "Go down a water slide without water and you'll understand why foreplay is so important." 4) I'm really not sure why people tell me to "be honest", then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce. 5) I had amnesia once - maybe twice.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - September 29th: The lyrics "rainy days and Mondays always get me down" won't apply to you today. Granted, today is Monday and the chance of rain is a proverbial crap shoot, but you'll escape from both in good shape. Chance of romance is twenty percent (it is Monday) but luck may come in another form. Don't get into an elevator with a midget.

Birthdays: My friends Deena and Teryl - Happy Birthday ladies 19XX, Miguel de Cervantes, novelist, dramatist and poet 1547, Horatio Nelson, admiral 1758, Enrico Fermi, physicist 1901, Greer Garson, actress 1904, Gene Autry, singer, actor 1907, Stanley Kramer, film director 1913, Jerry Lee Lewis, rock musician 1935, Lech Walesa, Polish labor leader 1943, Bryant Gumbel, TV newscaster 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest, most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy and said, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, saying. "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve. They had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Four guys have been going on the same hunting trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Chris' wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Chris' buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Chris sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. One of them asks, "Damn Chris, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" Chris says, "Well, I've been here since yesterday."

The guys asks, "How did you convince her?" Chris says, "Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom."

Chris went on, "The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and handcuff her to the bed, and I did. Then she said, 'Do whatever you want'. So, here I am."

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell said, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!" Miss Annabell said, "They call them homosexuals." The young girls fan themselves and say "Oh my! Oh my!"

Miss Annabell continued, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls asked, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell said, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell said, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The young girls squealed, "Oh My! Oh My!," as they sat on the edge of their chairs and fanned themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they asked in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and said in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'."

That's it for today, my little koala bears. Remember, do not use a microwave oven and a toaster at the same time. It will throw Earth out of orbit and we will plummet into the sun.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, September 26, 2014

I'll Help You Pack

I do not like big government, but not for reasons you might think. In an ideal world, big government has some merit. Unfortunately, we do not live in an ideal world as most people know. Politicians have learned how to game the system, from Obama down to local government officials.

In an ideal world, politicians would do what is best for the masses, not themselves. In the world as we know it, politicians could care less about the masses and dwell on what is good for themselves.

We currently have an incompetent president and an equally incompetent congress. The supreme court is just about as bad populated with doddering old fools who are intent to hang on to the bench until death.

A breath of fresh air came yesterday as attorney general Eric Holder announced his resignation from office. This comes, ironically, on the heels of a suit filed by government watchdog, Judicial Watch, of another court ruling that the Justice Department must finally cough up documents about how Holder’s Justice Department lied to Congress and the American people about the Operation Fast and Furious scandal, for which Eric Holder was held in contempt (which he is still subject to) by the House of Representatives. Holder is the first cabinet member ever to be held in contempt of congress.

In July 2014, after two years of battling for information, Judge Bates ordered the Department of Justice to release the Vaughn Index (a list of Operation Fast and Furious documents being protected under President Obama's assertion of executive privilege).

The Vaughn index, was requested through a June 2012 FOIA filing by Judicial Watch, by October 1st. DOJ responded by asking for a month long delay in releasing the list with a deadline of November 3rd, just one day before the 2014-midterm elections. That request has been denied.

A short delay was granted and DOJ must produce the Vaughn index by October 22nd. The documents had previously been withheld under Obama’s claim to executive privilege.

Over the past several months, Judicial Watch also exposed how Holder’s Justice Department was implicated in the IRS scandal and how Justice Department lawyers helped defend the illegal stonewall that kept secret key material related to Benghazi.

Eric Holder will go down in history as the most arrogant attorney general ever, constantly snubbing the constitution. Moreover, race relations have become worse since his appointment. I, for one, am happy to see him go!

The News As I See It: Eric Holder said that he will resign after five years in office. When Obama heard this, he said, “Oh, he’s my ride. I gotta go.”

The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather — because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?

Obama is being criticized for saluting a soldier while holding a pumpkin spice latte. Today he sincerely apologized while eating a maple glazed doughnut .By the way, the worst part of the whole coffee thing? They got the president's name wrong on the cup. They had "Sunblock Yomama."

The federal prison population has dropped by almost 5,000 people. It's expected to go back up once the NFL season ends.

An Indian spacecraft reached the orbit of Mars. Not only did India succeed on their first attempt, they did it on a very modest budget - $74 million for the mission. They were able to keep the mission’s costs down by outsourcing all of the work to themselves. Who knows, if it keeps going, in a few years, maybe we'll have the first call center on Mars.

Wal - Mart is launching a new mobile checking account app. It's designed for that small percentage of Wal-Mart customers who are mobile.

This Date In History: 1789; Thomas Jefferson was appointed America's first Secretary of State. 1820; Frontiersman, Daniel Boone, died in Missouri. 1914; The Federal Trade Commission was established.

1950; United Nations troops recaptured Seoul, the capital of South Korea, from the North Koreans. 1960; Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy took part in the first televised presidential debate.

1986; William H. Rehnquist was sworn as the 16th chief justice of the Supreme Court.

Picture Of The Day: It is said by some that Eric Holder's resignation is based on his desire to be nominated to the supreme court.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Alcohol was illegal in this country from 1919 to 1933. So for 14 long years, not a single person sang karaoke. 2) My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. We'll she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.  3) I started a neighborhood watch in my neighborhood and it was going well until she closed her curtains. 4) My friend told me that he needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 5) A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called our band "A Cappella". We came up with it as we were walking out of the pawn shop.....and that's five !

You know when you go into a restaurant and it gets busy? They start a waiting list and they start calling out names, "Holder, party of two." They say again, "Holder, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name.

Yep, they just move on saying, "Obama, party of two." Yeah, but what happened to the Holders? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy!

"Obama, search party of two!" You can eat once you find the Holders! Next!......Donner, party of eighty-seven....."

Today's HoroscopeLibra - September 26th: It's a great Friday, so make the best if it. Dress up and go out! Chance of romance is high and chance of inebriation is low. Don't try the karaoke, liquor always makes you think you can sing.

Birthdays: My friends David, Harold, Joe Nemechek, Milady and Rich (Whew!) -  Happy Birthday all 19XX, John Chapman, American pioneer, more familiarly known as Johnny Appleseed 1774, Ivan Pavlov, experimental psychologist 1849, T. S. Eliot, poet 1888, Martin Heidegger, philosopher 1889, George Gershwin, composer 1898, Christine Todd Whitman, public official 1946, Olivia Newton-John, singer 1948, Serena Williams, tennis player 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down.

The boy exclaimed, "Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out and everybody can see!" Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

The boy asked again, "Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with no pants on?" Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, just watching the cars go by and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

An older couple, both poets, were discussing the character of men and women. She said, "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

He retorted, "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There were twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to take the pictures of them. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He said we have to sit on the sofa." The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." Again, the hard of hearing twin asked, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "We have to sit closer together." They wiggled up close to each other.

The photographer said, "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." Yet again, the hard of hearing twin said, "What did he say?" Her sister replied, "He says he's going to focus." The hard of hearing twin exclaimed, "Oh my God, both of us?"

On his 70th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to the old and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. It's karaoke night in AREA 51 but I'm going to happy hour anyway.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Politics And War - A Question Of Timing

Obama has resisted attacking ISIS for the last three months while they overran Iraqi cities, killing citizens and committing atrocities. Now, he has ordered attacks, one month before mid-term elections and a continually falling approval rating.

There is no doubt that U.S. forces should be reacting, but it should have been three months ago, while targets boldly crossed the desert in convoys, not at night when ISIS is spread out and undercover. The sad part is that Obama drew a line in the sand against Syria in the past and then never followed up on his threat.

Why attack at night? It is known that Syria will not respond to overhead targets as ISIS is Syria's common enemy, as well. Why bomb empty barracks and empty buildings? ISIS should be attacked during the day while they are in plain sight.

My hopes are that the war against ISIS is spawned, albeit late, by their murderous intentions and not by a last minute, straw grasping attempt to prop up democrats in the November elections. We'll see as the war progresses but my inner fear is that "Operation Approval Rating" is under way and part of the strategy.....

The News As I See It: Chicago is reversing its plan to name a high school after Obama after it received multiple complaints from people in the community. I guess parents were afraid their kids would spend eight years at the school and still not get anything done.

There was another round of leaked photos of nude celebrities this weekend, which included Mary-Kate Olsen. Mary-Kate said she was extremely embarrassed. Her twin sister Ashley said, "Yeah, me too."

The White House has re-evaluated its security and today they announced they'll start locking the front door. They're also going to start asking "Who's there?" when someone knocks. In the Secret service's defense, when they saw a crazed maniac running down the White House lawn, they assumed it was Biden.

It's a sad day as we hear that America's sweethearts — the Honey Boo Boos, Mama June and Sugar Bear, are separating. Their lawyers are citing unintelligible differences.

The CEO of JetBlue announced he'll step down in February. Of course, it being JetBlue his actual departure may be delayed until March.

Obama's now infamous and disrespectful "latte salute"

This Date In History: 1789; Congress passed the First Judiciary Act which provided for a U.S. attorney general and the Supreme Court. 1957; The Brooklyn Dodgers played their last game at Ebbets Field.

1960; The Enterprise, the first nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, was launched. 1969; The trial of the "Chicago Eight," radical antiwar and counterculture activists accused of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic convention, began.

1991; Children's author Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, died at age 87. 1996; The United States and the world's other major nuclear powers signed a treaty to end all testing and development of nuclear weapons.

Picture Of The Day: This picture was sent to me by my inner child.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's 2014 and somehow we still don't have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are. 2) The phone will not ring until you leave your recliner and walk to the bathroom. 3) Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still. 4) 35 percent of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment. 5) God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - September 24th: This year your birthday falls on a Wednesday. Hey, everyone gets their chance with Wednesdays, so have a great time. Do something different today (except for that stunt you pulled last year) and make it a great day. Chances for romance are extremely high, but bear in mind that's partly due to the fact that it's your birthday and the pity factor.

Birthdays: My friends Ernie and Lydia - Happy Birthday 19XX, John Marshall, American jurist, 4th Chief Justice of the United States (1801–1835) 1755, Mark Hanna, capitalist and politician 1837, F. Scott Fitzgerald, writer 1896, Jim Henson, puppeteer 1936, Phil Hartman, actor 1948, Paul and Morgan Hamm, gymnasts 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murray Lipschitz passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Murray would be pleased." Her friend, Rachel, said, "I'm sure you're right."

Rachel lowered her voice, leaned in close and asked "How much did this really cost?" Rose said, "All of it....thirty thousand." Rachel exclaimed, "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Rose answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly and said, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" Rose said, "Two and a half carats."

 A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed. "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." He never heard the shot.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

Minister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah." Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" The sinner replies, "A new woman in the neighborhood." The priest sighs and says, "Very well, go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits, her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

That's it for today, my little dalmations. Remember, a bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, September 22, 2014

Blind Dates

I've don't like blind dates, mostly because they make me walk the seeing-eye dogs afterwards. Jokes aside, I've only been on one blind date in my life. A client once convinced me to go out with her friend. She didn't have any pictures of her and this was way before cell phones and Facebook.

I asked what she looked like and my first clue should have been when she answered, "She's a lot of fun." My mental reaction was "So, is my puppy, but I don't want to go out with her either. But since my client was attractive, I thought "birds of a feather" and I hesitantly agreed.

I'm a person who rarely buys online unless I know the product well, For this reason, I always buy new things, especially clothes, at the store. There, you can see how it looks, get the feel of the material and even try it on. You get the picture, but I digress.

I arrived at the young lady's apartment and almost immediately I knew I was in trouble. She asked me in and asked if I'd like a drink. I said, "Scotch on the rocks will be fine." When she said she didn't have any scotch, I volunteered to go get some and did so.

We sat and talked for a while, the scotch doing its part of the job and, oddly enough, she was a lot of fun and we spent most of the evening drinking and laughing. But, for me, the handwriting was on the wall. Perhaps she felt the same way about me.

Either way, I politely ended the evening around 11 pm, suggesting that I had a lot of work in the morning. She didn't protest. On the way home, I made a mental note that this was the first and last blind date I would ever go on.....

The News As I See It: Joe Biden, during a speech last week, referred to Asia as the "Orient", just hours after he apologized for using "shylock", a term that offends Jewish people. The White House calls Biden's remarks "unfortunate", while Obama calls them “a welcomed distraction".

That’s right, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the "Orient" and also offended Jewish people. This means he's just one "pull my finger" away from being my grandpa on Thanksgiving.

In Germany, it's the start of Oktoberfest. It is a time of many contradictions. It's called Oktoberfest, but it starts in September. It's a joyous celebration, but it takes place in Germany. Oktoberfest is the best time to visit Germany. Probably the worst time would be about 1937.

This Date In History: 1776; Nathan Hale was hanged by the British as a spy during the Revolutionary War. 1789; Congress authorized the office of Postmaster-General. 1792; The French Republic was proclaimed.

1862; President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, proposing to free all slaves of rebel states as of Jan. 1, 1863. 1980; The Persian Gulf conflict between Iran and Iraq erupted into full-scale war. 1989; Songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.

Picture Of The Day: I don't know much about music systems, but I'm told that woofers and sub-woofers are a must.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Five years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today, I asked that same girl to marry me. She said no both times. 2) The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe Flash.

3) Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner and body wash: I have no desire to buy your crap. I'm holding out until it's also a car wax. By the way, I'm pretty sure it's spelled "Ask". 4) Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS. I haven't run out of receipt yet.

5) It's said that mother's milk is a perfect formula for the child and it provides immunity against several diseases. Personally, I like the cute containers that it comes in.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeVirgo - September 22nd: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice and payback is hell.

Relax, have a beer and a slice of pizza and if you still have that feeling, smash your ring finger with a hammer. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice once your finger heals.

Birthdays: My friend Robert, who is under the weather - Happy Birthday and get well soon ! 18XX, Michael Faraday, English scientist 1791, Theodore Clement Steele, artist 1847, Babette Deutsch, poet 1895, Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager 1927.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two young med students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart. But I was wrong, too."

A rock star and hunter from Michigan was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?’"

The rock star replied, "Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress." That ended the interview.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'." The old guy obeys and says,"99."

The doctor says, "Great."Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the old guy says, "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The old guy begins, "One... Two... Three..."

An old man went into the job center in downtown Denver and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and said, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."

The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then you apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, rubbing in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

The old man said, "Good that where the job is?" The clerk said, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

That's it for today, my little ponies. Remember, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !