Friday, February 27, 2015
Never Argue With A Woman
Arguments are never a good idea, a lose-lose proposition and usually about something I don't care about anyway. Men are at a disadvantage because our memories are like mirrors and women never, ever, forget anything!
The most important thing for a man to remember is to abandon all logic. Women don't use it and you certainly shouldn't allow it to handicap you.
Secondly, when cornered......Lie! The "Be Honest" Fight is a prime example of how your honest answer can end with a chilly night on the couch.
(Her): "Do you think I’ve gained weight?” (Me): “Maybe a little bit.” (Her): “WHAT?!” (Me:) "You said be honest….”
That’s the thing about honesty — when someone asks for it, it probably means you should lie. Except when it comes to questions about her weight, her ass and her parents… then you should definitely lie.
How do you fight back when she says, "You did 'this'" and I say, "Well, you did 'that'" and she says, "What about that time in 1941 when you did 'this and that'?" I say, "I wasn't even born in 1941!" and she says, "Don't make excuses! If you were alive, you would have done it!" .....Huh?
Petty arguments always seem to come at inopportune times for me. I think they wait until the bottom of the ninth inning, game tied, two outs and bases loaded to begin their tirades. I wouldn't even think about interrupting a soap opera. I've seen enraged, crazy women before.
I recall once when I was married and my wife asked me what wanted for dinner. I told her I didn't care. Miffed, she asked me again, so I said. "How about steak and salad?" She said we were out of steak.
I said, "Let's have some dolphin fillets." She said,"They're packed in packets of four and it takes too long to defrost them." I quickly said, "What's in the oven right now?" Before she could think about her answer, she blurted, "Roasted chicken and whole potatoes." I said, "That's what I want for dinner." She hung up on me......another future argument.
Remeber, If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. ~ Dave Barry
And finally, women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.....
The News As I See It: Obama's former press secretary, Jay Carney, will reportedly become a senior vice president at Amazon. Carney says he's excited to work for someone who doesn't take six years to deliver.
John Boehner said that Obama's veto of the Keystone XL pipeline was a "national embarrassment." Out of habit, Joe Biden said, "Here!"
Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald got in some hot water this week for saying that he served in the military's Special Forces when he never did. It gets even worse when you find out the place he actually served was Old Navy.
Marijuana is officially legal in Washington, D.C. or as Obama put it, "Clear some space, Michelle, Barry's starting his own garden!"
Hillary Clinton is receiving criticism after telling a crowd to "unlock their full potential," because that line is commonly used by another possible candidate, Carly Fiorina. People said, "You can’t just steal someone’s slogan like that!" and Hillary said, "Yes we can!"
A new study suggests that dishwashers may increase a child's risk of developing allergies. My advice is to stop washing your kids in the dishwasher.
Jamaica has officially decriminalized the possession of small amounts of marijuana for personal use. That would be great news if anyone in Jamaica had small amounts of marijuana.
This Date In History: 1844; Dominican Republic gained independence from Haiti. 1933; German Reichstag building in Berlin was destroyed by fire. 1951; The 22nd Amendment to the Constitution was ratified, limiting the President to two terms.
1973; Members of the American Indian Movement occupied the village of Wounded Knee, S.D. 1991; Kuwait was liberated in the Gulf War. 2003; Fred Rogers, of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, died. 2012; Ali Abdullah Saleh stepped down as president of Yemen after months of protests.
Picture Of The Day: Arguments can get out of hand, .....and out of your garage, if you let them.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Disneyland just raised its ticket prices to $99 a day for kids over 10, however, kids with measles still get in free. 2) I've removed swimming with dolphins from my bucket list, mainly because I don't swim well and drowning with dolphins doesn't have quite the same appeal. 3) Hey! You geese crossing the road! You can fly.......!
4) Christian Mingle: Find God's match for you. Because the Lord works in mysterious ways and I'm positive that setting up a website for his people to hook up is a top priority. 5) The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hit man you can trust.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 27th: Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there.
Birthdays: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet 1807, Alice Hamilton, physician, reformer 1869, Hugo Black, Supreme Court Justice 1886, Marian Anderson, contralto 1897, John Steinbeck, American writer 1902, Ariel Sharon, general and politician 1928, Elizabeth Taylor, actress 1932, Ralph Nader, consumer advocate 1934.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously, "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so. I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection" The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
She answers with a seductive smile, "Yes....." Her husband says, "Thank God, I thought you were sitting on the cat."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy is walking along a sandy southern beach when he comes across a brass lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it the proverbial rub.
A genie springs forth in a cloud and tells him, "You have been granted one wish. Not three. That's a myth. One is all you get, so make it count."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." The genie says, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." The guy says, "OK, then, I want to die right after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt."
The genie says, "You're a crafty bastard, aren't you."
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "Screw her again!"
That's it for today, my little fur babies. Remember, bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !