Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Here's A Thought - Let's Use Our Bodies As Coloring Books

I don't have any tattoos. No special reason, just never cared for them. Brother Kirt has a few. I remember his first one, the initials of his girlfriend at the time. Good thing they had the same initials. By the way, I brake for animals and pretty women with tattoos.

I don't particularly care if people have tattoos, that is, unless the tattoos are like the man we used to pay ten cents to see at the circus sideshow. Too much of anything gets boring after a while.....well, almost anything.

I like the cute little tats (notice I said "tats") on women. I don't care for the "tramp stamps" they put on or above their ass, it reminds me of of auto tags, They were once the rage with younger girls. They're mostly supposed to be some Asian prayer or deep thought, but I'm guessing they really say "Eat at Sun Ling's Restaurant".

The News As I See It: The White House announced that many Obamacare customers got the wrong tax information and may have to refile their taxes this year. It's pretty inconvenient — mainly just remembering what you lied about the first time you filed your taxes.

New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there’s no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates.

The country continues to deal with brutal weather. A group of teenagers in Colorado surprised their neighbors by shoveling 50 driveways and walkways for free. They didn't mean to. They were just too stoned to remember which house was theirs.

The only real Oscar surprises were that "Sniper" didn't win "Best Picture" and Lady Gaga's awesome rendition of "The Sound Of Music" and wore a beautiful dress. They should have had Julie Andrews come out covered in lunch meat or something.

A theater in Colorado accidentally played “Fifty Shades of Grey” instead of “The SpongeBob Movie” to a theater filled with children. Which explains its new name: SpongeBob NoPants. "50 Shades of Grey" has already made $400 million. But to be honest, that money's tied up.

This Date In History: 1570; Elizabeth I, queen of England, was excommunicated by Pope Pius V. 1836; Samuel Colt patented the first revolving barrel multishot firearm. 1870; Hiram Revels became the first black United States senator, taking over the term of Jefferson Davis.

1901; J.P. Morgan formed U.S. Steel Corporation, the first billion-dollar corporation in the world. 1948; Communists took control of the government in Czechoslovakia. 1964; Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion for the first time by knocking out Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.

1983; Tennessee Williams, American playwright, died. 1986; President Ferdinand Marcos fled the Philippines; Corazon Aquino took over the office. 1990; Violeta Chamorro was elected president of Nicaragua, a victory for opponents of the Sandinistas.

Picture Of The Day: Back in the day, a lot of guys, especially the military, got a tattoo on their arm. It was usually something simple like Mom or their girlfriend, sometimes even their military branch. I don't care for this one, but it's the only one I could find with my name.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Of all the things I've ever lost, I miss my mind the most. 2) As I get older, I'm really just looking for "Girls Gone Mild". 3) We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood. 4) I asked my girlfriend if she could name the four main food groups. she said, "Canned, frozen, drive-thru and fried." 5) A cute bank teller told me she wanted to make love to me in the bank vault. She's kind of kinky, but at least she's into safe sex......and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - February 25th: Your long-term plans will come into fruition this month. Beware of speeding buses. Buy some scented candles, tonight may be filled with darkness and/or flatulence.

Birthdays: Pierre Auguste Renoir, French artist 1841, Enrico Caruso, tenor 1873, John Foster Dulles, Secretary of State 1888, Dame Myra Hess, pianist 1890, Anthony Burgess, novelist 1917, Bobby Riggs, tennis player 1918 George Harrison, musician 1943.

42-year-old Cameron Diaz was recently married to the multi-tattooed Benji Madden who promptly had her name tattooed to his chest. I guess there's no accounting for taste.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him and he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Canada, sir."

The manager asked, "Why did you leave Canada?" The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing in Canada but whores and hockey players."

The manager said, "My wife is from Canada." The boy replied, "No shit? What team did she play for?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny from the bedroom and placed it over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

While acquainting himself with a new elderly female patient, the doctor asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years.....when my husband was alive."

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

That's it for today, my little moon pies. Remember, dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots and lisp. The moonlight will show me the way to happy hour in AREA 51.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I have a $5 tattoo. Never bothered me too much and it is small. I heard the best line a grandma gave her pretty grand daughter. "Sweetheart, a tattoo on you, you would put a bumpersticker on a Bentley?"
I like the side bar.
TAke care in the moonlight!

Amelia said...

I have a tramp stamp. I love your humor, Jimmy.