Friday, November 6, 2015

Fridays Are Also Government Document Dump Days

Hussein O'Dumbass continues to screw up the country. His latest move was to reject the proposed Keystone XL oil pipeline. Now, he refers to juvenile delinquents as "justice-involved youths". He'll soon refer to looters as "undocumented shoppers." Expect gun sales to rise.

Barry is also trying his best to close Guantanamo Bay and move the terrorist prisoners to America. He has intimated that if he cannot accomplish this with the current congress, he will use Executive Priveledge. What a guy, huh?

That's the norm from the government. It's when they publish news, usually bad or controversial, hoping less people will take notice. But the media and the American public are wise to that trick and await the Friday news dumps. It's like trying to sweep dirt under the rug.

In other news, a student who attacked four people at a University of California campus with a hunting knife similar to those used by ISIS terrorists in beheadings, was shot dead by police.

Merced County Sheriff Vern Warnke named the suspect as 18-year-old Faisal Mohammad, a freshman majoring in engineering and computer science. Warnke told a news conference that the Wednesday attack started in a classroom and evidence suggested it was personal and not terrorism.

Uh, if you buy that, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you at a bargain price.

The News As I See It: In Ohio, people voted on a referendum which would have had to legalize marijuana in that state, but it did not pass. That's right, it remains illegal to get high in Ohio, which means there is still no legal way to enjoy a Cleveland Browns game.

People are saying the initiative did not pass because it would have allowed giant corporations to control the marijuana industry. Which is a huge bummer, because I was really excited to buy pot from a place called Starblunts.

At least Ohio got legalization on the ballot. In Arkansas, a proposal to legalize marijuana was rejected because — and I’m not making this up — it had too many spelling and grammar errors. Hey Arkansas, way to live up to the stereotype!

In an interview, Donald Trump and CNN anchor Chris Cuomo got in a heated argument after Trump repeatedly insulted reporter Sara Murray. CNN was like, "Guys, keep it down! You'll wake the viewers!"

This Date In History: 1860; Abraham Lincoln was elected president of the United States. 1861; Jefferson Davis was elected president of the Confederate States of America. 1869; The first intercollegiate soccer game took place (Rutgers 6, Princeton 4).

1893; Composer Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky died in St. Petersburg, Russia, at age 53. 1913; Mohandas Gandhi led a march of miners in South Africa. He was arrested three times in the first four days of the march.

Picture Of The Day: So, what do we do with this?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Life is better when you can share it with a friend who's just as sick and twisted as you. 2) My first wife wasn't a very good cook. She got a little better later on in life when she figured out that the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. 3) My friend met a Spanish girl and he's trying to learn Spanish. I asked him how long he's been at it and he said, "dos weekos." 4) I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was break dancing at my bank.  5) The doctor said, "I'm sorry sir, your mother-in-law didn't make it." I asked, "Was it the lack of prayers on Facebook?" The doctor replied, "Yes sir, I'm afraid it was".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 6th: Feel welcome to share your inner most secrets with your entire family and friends. They will adore you for your spectacular honesty and may only exclude you from certain holidays and special events.

Birthdays: John Philip Sousa, American Bandmaster and Composer 1854, James Naismith, inventor of basketball 1861, Thomas H. Ince, filmmaker 1882, Walter Johnson, baseball player 1887.

Harold W. Ross, editor 1892, James Jones, novelist 1921 Mike Nichols, actor and director 1931, Sally Field, actress 1946, Maria Shriver, TV newscaster 1955, Ethan Hawke, actor 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A school sponsored a luncheon for senior citizens and a letter was sent to the Principal's office afterwards. An elderly lady had won a new radio as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind, especially if you are familiar with the elderly.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.


A local man was found murdered in his home in California over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes and the deceased had a banana protruding from his ass. Police suspect a cereal killer.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A customer asked the clerk, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

He continued, "If I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Smelling of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window, handed it to the bartender and said, "I'd like to apply for the job."

He continued, "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy-hour, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try?

The seedy fighter-jockey staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. ''It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You' "he said. After a long drink from the beer, leaving it empty, he added, "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light Up."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song,"Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", then he excused himself and headed for the bathroom.

When he came out of the bathroom, the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours -- but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" The old fighter pilot replied, "Know it? Hell, I wrote it!"

That's it for today, my little bunny rabbits. Remember, a true dilemma is when your fifteen-year-old daughter brings home a guy with a rainbow colored Mohawk hairdo, but your garden is already completely full of corpses. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

I seem to always like and agree with the opening. This was no different.
Liked the lines in the Printables especially the smoke detector and timer thing.
Thanks for the smiles.