Monday, November 2, 2015

You're Going To Name Your Baby What ?

Currently expecting a baby and working on a name? Take this into consideration: 1) Google the name first, thus eliminating coming up with names like Fellatio Jones. 2) Refrain from making up your own names. 3) Spell it correctly. These kids will need a job someday.

Some parents just don't seem to have an imagination and thusly, we have people named Johnny Johnson, Tommy Thompson and Willie Williams.

Bad spellers have come up with some beauties, as well. An old Army buddy and rather intelligent man spelled his son's name "Eon". I asked him if he meant "Ian" and he said he liked the spelling as it was. I didn't have the heart to tell him that, in astrolgy, an "eon" is one billion years.

Back in the day, a lot of people picked their children's names from the bible, but I'd be reluctant to name a child Judas or Jezebel.

But, every parent has the right to come up with their own names as did my Aunt and Uncle. I always look forward to seeing my cousins, Rapunzel and Rumpelstiltskin.....

The News As I See It: Star Wars creator George Lucas has gotten approval to build a 300,000-square-foot museum in Chicago and if you think that sounds exciting, just wait until you've tried sex.

This Date In History: 1889; North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th states, respectively. 1947; Howard Hughes flew the Spruce Goose on its first and only flight.

1948; Harry S. Truman defeated Thomas E. Dewey to the surprise of pollsters and newspapers, in the greatest presidential upset in history. 1959; Twenty-One game show contestant Charles Van Doren admitted that he had been given questions and answers in advance.

1976; Jimmy Carter defeated Gerald Ford, becoming the first U.S. president from the deep South since the Civil War. 1984; Velma Margie Barfield, a convicted murderer became the first woman to be executed since capital punishment was reinstated in 1976.

2003; V. Gene Robinson was consecrated as bishop by the U.S. Episcopal Church, becoming the first openly gay bishop in the church.

Picture Of The Day: Prejudice

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was a kid, I suffered from depression. My teacher suggested that my father take me to the zoo. He did, but I found my way home. 2) The difference between roast beef and pea soup is that anyone can roast beef. 3) I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. 4) Winter in Miami last year was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Old Timer's disease. 5) I gave my girlfriend a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands softer.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 2nd: Today will start slow, but most Mondays do anyway, so no worries. Cloudy skies will clear and the stars will come out. The moon, like a testicle, hangs low. Signs point toward a great evening and the chance of romance is 72.37 percent.

Birthdays: Jean-Baptiste-Simeon Chardin, painter 1699, George Boole, mathematician 1734, Daniel Boone, frontiersman 1734, Marie Antoinette, queen of France 1755, James Polk, 11th President of the United States 1795, Warren G. Harding,  29th President of the United States 1865, Carlos Bulosan, writer 1911, Burt Lancaster, actor 1913, K.D. Lang, singer 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

A young woman walked into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest replied, "Confess you sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest said,"Squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest answered, "No, but it will wipe that smirk off your face."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife replied, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

Socrates replied, "Wait a minute. Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." The acquaintance queried, "Triple filter?"

Socrates continued, "Yes. Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually, I just heard about it." Socrates said, "All right. So, you don't really know if it's true or not."

Socrates continued, "Now, let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" The man says, "No, on the contrary....." Socrates interrupts, "So, you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" The man says, "No, not really." Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

That's it for today, my little lily pads. Remember, if you see me running, you'd better join me because it’s just something I don’t do.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

You are right about the names, they will have to apply for a job one day.....

I live slow methinks. I was on the third funny before I hit me about the roast beef and pea soup thingee. yeah, imma little slow. I think you must eat some thing special to make the pea thing work.
Enjoyed the read. Nite!