Blame It On Rio

The Olympic torch is in Rio for today's opening ceremony. Meanwhile, the waters and beaches are polluted with raw sewage and hospital waste, the Zika virus is rampant and thievery abounds.

Other than a few places, Rio is a giant slum. The Olympic village is not totally completed and robberies have occured within the grounds. With all the air and water pollution, they should give athletes condoms to wear over their heads for the swimming events. The only cool thing about Rio is, if the torch runs out of fuel, you can just dip it in the ocean and it’ll reignite.

Personally, you couldn't pay me enough to go there.

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1) Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2) Jews do not recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah.
3) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4) Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

The News As I See It: Remember a few months ago when Obama got Iran to release four American prisoners? Well, it turns out he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, $400 million in cash was flown to Iran on an unmarked  plane. Don't you hate it when you're on an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to $400 million? You don't know who gets the armrest.

Hillary Clinton supporters had a fundraiser recently at a cyber security convention in Las Vegas. All the proceeds went toward teaching Hillary how to use her email account.

Republican fundraiser and Hewlett-Packard executive Meg Whitman released a statement saying that she will break with her party and support Hillary Clinton. She wanted to release the statement three days ago, but her printer kept jamming.

This Date In History: 1861; For the first time, the U.S. government levied an income tax. 1884; The cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty was laid on Bedloe's Island. 1914; The first electric traffic lights were installed in Cleveland, Ohio. 1962; Marilyn Monroe died.

1963; The United States, Britain, and the Soviet Union signed the limited Test Ban Treaty, which prohibited nuclear weapon tests in the atmosphere, in outer space, and underwater. 1969; The U.S. space probe Mariner 7 transmitted pictures of Mars. 1984; Joan Benoit won the first Olympic women's marathon.

2002; The gun turret of the Civil War ironclad USS Monitor was raised from the ocean floor. 2003; The Rev. Gene Robinson was approved as the first openly gay bishop by the U.S. Episcopal Church.

2012; The plutonium-powered rover Curiosity successfully lands on Mars. Larger than earlier rovers, Curiosity will spend two years examining the land, looking for evidence that conditions on Mars are fit for life.

Picture Of The Day: Disgusting......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The condensed history of a divorce: A do, I do, Adieu. 2) Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. 3) I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. 4) Couples who have been married a long time start finishing each others sentences. The most popular ending being "Shut the f*ck up!"  5) Rectitude is defined as the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists and a Pokemon is a Rastafarian proctologist.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 5th: What you need today is a good hard drink at happy hour. A beautiful woman will turn your head today and make you wonder whether you're as committed as you ought to be.

Birthdays: Guy de Maupassant, author 1850, Conrad Aiken, author 1889, John Huston, filmmaker 1906, Neil Armstrong, American astronaut 1930, Patrick Ewing, basketball player 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There's a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are very interesting. Thirty percent of the women feel that their ass is too fat. Ten percent of the women feel that their ass is too skinny.

The remaining sixty percent say they don't care. They love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet any minute now, some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony. The second guy said, "I don't believe it, you'll have to prove this to me."

So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony and says, "See, I told you."

The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So he jumps off the balcony and falls and falls. Finally, splat on the ground. The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink. As he serves the drink, the bartender says, "You're mean when you're drunk, Superman."

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, put the cigarette butt in, roll it up and dispose of it all later."

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at a drug store, Sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drugs store and walked up to the counter. The pharmacist said, "Good Morning, Sister. What can I do for you today?" The nun said, "I'd like some condoms please."

The druggist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box." The nun said, "I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week."

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have medium, large and extra large."

The sister thought for a minute and finally said, "I'm not certain about sizes. Just give me the ones that fit a Camel?"

That's it for today, my little pop tarts. Remember, a good discussion is like a miniskirt. Short enough to maintain interest and long enough to cover the subject. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !