Monday, August 8, 2016
Is That You, Pikachu?
I have no interest in Pokemon GO, but it seems to be contributing to the thinning of the herd. While most people are busy doing silly things like working and caring for their families, Pokemon enthusiasts are walking in front of cars and falling into holes.
Pokemon has also spawned a new game for attorneys where they can either chase ambulances or follow Pokemon players until they are hit by a bus. Moreover, thugs now follow the players waiting to prey on the weakest and thus, thin the herd.
The News As I See It: A new study has come out analyzing the role of the female orgasm in reproduction. But the male scientists fell asleep before it was done and the female scientists had to finish writing it themselves.
This Date In History: 1789; Congress established the U.S. War Department. 1947; The wooden raft Kon-Tiki, which carried Thor Heyerdahl and five companions more than 4,000 miles, crashed into a reef in the Pacific.
1959; The United States launched Explorer 6, which sent back a picture of Earth. 1964; Congress passed the Tonkin Gulf Resolution, which expanded President Johnson's use of military powers in the Vietnam War.
1987; Lynne Cox becomes the first person to swim from the United States to the Soviet Union, making the 2.7 mile trip through the frigid waters of the Bering Strait. Cox is surprised by the (relatively) warm welcome she receives from the Soviets.
1998; U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed, by terrorists. Some 224 were killed and more than 5,500 injured. 2000; Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut was selected by Al Gore to be the first Jewish vice-presidential candidate on a major party ticket.
2007; Barry Bonds passes Hank Aaron on baseball’s all-time home run list. The record, however, is discredited by many because of Bond’s alleged steroid use.
Picture Of The Day: Apparently, after being dumped from the Democratic National Committee Chair position, Debbie Wasserman Schultz is back in Miami campaigning for reelection. Her latest interview has her telling her followers that she was not booed at the Florida delegation breakfast speech. Hmmm, sounded like boos to me.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I want to give a shout out to my neighbors for the 2:30 am karaoke party. I hope you enjoyed my 6:00 am weed whacking. 2) Scientists say that there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. I guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip. 3) As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps. 4) I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." 5) I got lost once when I was a kid. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 8th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.
Birthdays: Charles Bulfinch, architect 1763, Matthew Henson, arctic explorer 1866, Sara Teasdale, poet 1884, Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, author 1896, Emiliano Zapata, Mexican revolutionary 1879, Dustin Hoffman, actor 1937.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
He asked, "Are you trying to steal it?" One old lady said, "Heavens no, we bought it." The cop said, "Then why don't you drive it away." The old lady said, "We can't drive."
The cop asked, "Then why did you buy it?" The other old lady replied, "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."
An old lawyer, laying on his deathbed, called to his wife and asked her to bring the Bible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea and brought the Bible to her husband.
The lawyer took the Bible from her and began scanning the pages. Curious, knowing her husband wasn't a religious person, she asked, "What are you searching for, dear?" The lawyer replied, "Loopholes."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. She said, proudly, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30. My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."The teacher said, "Very good."
Little Jenny was next. She said, "I sold magazines. I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." The teacher said,"Very good."
It was Little Johnny's turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. He said, "$2,467." The teacher said, "$2,467? What in the world were you selling?" Little Johnny said, "Toothbrushes."
The teacher asked, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" Little Johnny replied, "I found the busiest corner in town and I set up a Dip and Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" I said, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.
The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."
Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."
That's it for today, my little grasshoppers. Remember, lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
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More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !