Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Actually, I'd Rather Vote For Forrest Gump!

Abraham Lincoln said: "You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time." That said, people still buy anything on TV that's priced at $19.95. These people also vote.

People used to pay for AOL and Angie's List until they woke up. These products are now free.

The people who reap these rewards know that sheep always need a shepherd. They let the animals graze and then they shear them and sell their wool.

Politics are no different. Most people don't know shit from Shinola and few are actually aware of all the hidden lies and corruption.

Nevertheless, people still argue and fight over whose party is better and who the best candidate is. In actuality, they're just liars and thieves who prostitute themselves for money. Kinda sad, huh?

The News As I See It: North Korea is said to be working on a big new project. Sometime in the next 10 years North Korea is hoping to plant a flag on the moon. By that I assume they mean they're looking for someone who can photoshop a picture of their flag on the moon.

This Date In History: 1807; Robert Fulton's steamboat, the Clermont, began its trip up the Hudson River to Albany. 1863; Fort Sumter, S.C. was bombarded by Union ships during the Civil War. 1896; Prospectors found gold in Alaska, a discovery that set off the Klondike gold rush.

1945; Indonesian nationalists proclaimed independence from the Netherlands. 1962; 18-year-old Peter Fechter was shot and killed by guards at the Berlin Wall, spurring riots. 1969; Hurricane Camille devastated the Gulf Coast, killing 248 people.

1978; The first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight landed outside of Paris. 1987; Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's second in command, committed suicide.

2008; U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps won his eighth gold medal, breaking the record set by Mark Spitz in the 1972 Games. Phelps also set the record for the most golds in a single Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: By the way, for those of you who do not know, this is Shinola.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They asked me who my friend was and I said, "His name is Sanjay although you may know him as Mike from Microsoft customer service." 2) Tonight's weather forecast is: Dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning. 3) I don't know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it. 4) Sow your wild oats on Friday night, then pray for crop failure on Sunday.  5) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine and a romantic dinner. She goes Tuesdays, He goes Fridays.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 17th: Remember to chew before you swallow. You may hear good news today from an older person who may or may not be intoxicated. Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelaces while staring at the person across the bar from you.

Birthdays: William Carey, missionary 1761, Davy Crockett, frontiersman 1786, Marcus Garvey,  black nationalist leader 1887, Mae West, American comedienne 1893, Ted Hughes, poet 1930, V. S. Naipaul, author 1932, Robert De Niro, film actor 1943, Sean Penn, actor 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

I was walking down the road and saw my Irani neighbor Achmed standing on his second floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Achmed? Won't it start?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks the man, "What's going on?"

The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "On average, about a gallon."

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump... Bump... Bump... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...

On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and..... (wait for it) ....the coffin stops.

That's it for today, my little orange blossoms. Remember,As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

I'd take Forrest with Gomer as his running mate, they would win hands down.
Thanks for the education tonight.
Every a$$ needs two cheeks, we have a big one DEms is one cheek and dem Reps b the other cheek, but it is the same BUTT!