Veteran's Day

For most men and women between the ages of 18 to 25, the thought of death or disability seems far fatched. At least it seemed that way in 1963. Most of my friends and myself were innocently enjoying the summer after high school graduation. The growing war in Vietnam seemed remote and the thought of being in the military was not even a thought.

The Selective Service System required men between the ages of 18-25 to register for the draft and most of us complied, still mentally innocent of the growing troubles in Southeast Asia. Then, little by little, one by one, young men weren't around and the news began to spread that "so and so" was drafted by the U.S. Army or "so and so" joined the Marines, Navy, Air Force or Coast Guard. As my friends began to go away to war, I too joined the U.S. Army.

As time pased, the realities of war began to surface. Some of my friends were killed in Vietnam and others were injured, either physically, mentally or both. The war continued to grow and young men and women continued to die.

More than 58,000 men and women died in Vietnam, 303,000 were wounded and 1687 are missing in action. Vietnam brought the reality of life to young people during that area and allows us to appreciate the great sacrifices made by men and women, both past and present who valiantly served America.

Please take the time today to say a prayer for all our soldiers. The price of freedom is very high.

Combat Medic, Specialist 5th Class
James M. Sullivan, Jr.
United States Army Reserve
1966-1971

The News As I See It: The difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry is that it only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence. You know what you call a Democrat who makes as many verbal gaffes as Rick Perry? Mr. Vice President.

They say Rick Perry had a memory lapse. I can understand that. The other day, I remembered Kris and I remembered Khloe but I completely forgot Kourtney.

Michele Bachmann says she won't rest until Obamacare is repealed or until she kidnaps all 101 Dalmatians.

The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They're calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo.

After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura says he's going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in.

This week a deer jumped through the window of a taco restaurant in Georgia. Or as Taco Bell put it, "Hey, sometimes the ingredients just deliver themselves."

This Date In History: 1620; The Mayflower Compact was signed by Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower. It would provide the basis for all governments of the American colonies. 1831; Former slave Nat Turner was executed, probably for horse stealing. 1889; Washington became the 42nd state.

1918; The Allies and Germany signed an armistice ending World War I. 1921; The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was dedicated in Arlington National Cemetery. 1965; Rhodesia proclaimed its independence from Britain.

1992; The Church of England voted to ordain women as priests. 2004; Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, died in Paris. Mahmoud Abbas was elected to take his place.

Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures need no explanation. God Bless America.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 2) Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one. 3) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 4) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 5) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 11th: Take the time to thank a soldier today or say a silent prayer for those who cannot be here.

Birthdays: My pal Tommy - Happy Birthday Buddy! 19XX, Feodor Dostoyevsky, Russian novelist 1821, Maude Adams, actress 1872, George Patton, general 1885, Howard Fast, author 1914, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., science fiction writer 1922, Carlos Fuentes, writer, editor, and diplomat 1928 LaVern Baker, singer 1929, Calista Flockhart, actress 1964, Leonardo DiCaprio, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A captain in the Army was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "Bring in the camel." The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters.

The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The sergeant replied, "No sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. His father asked, "So, did you jump?"

The young man said, "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" The father said, "Is that when you jumped?" The young man replied, "Not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." The father said, "Did you jump then?"

The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." The father said, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go."

he son continued, "Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"

The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Well, a little, at first."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion - your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room and said, "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. The orderly said, "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed.

The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" The general barked, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" The nurse said, "Yes I have, General, but never with a daffodil."

A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

That's it for today my little apple tarts. Remember, the sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Jimmy's Journal - Late, Late Wednesday Edition

Miss Manners does not mention them, chiefly because they are unmentionable, but you all know what they are. At any rate, these are noises that are acknowledged by neither the noisemaker nor the noise recipient, because socially they do not exist. The practice of staring hard at the person next to you when, for instance, your own stomach has given off a loud rumble, is therefore to be condemned on grounds of etiquette as well as morals.

In other words, if someone nearby cuts the cheese, the correct response is.....nothing. Socially, the event did not happen, therefore to comment upon it would show a lack of culture. Therefore, you may now let loose with impunity. Should the person next to you wrinkle her nose or offer comment, you are permitted to laugh inwardly at her faux pas. Of course if it was me, I'd merely ask, "Excuse me, did you fart? Hmmm....., I guess it must have been me."

The News As I See It: A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama's policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That's because he's created more jobs overseas than here in America.

According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, "We're still getting used to having a Muslim president."

Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe O'Biden speech. Conrad was found guilty, but Jackson's plastic surgeon walks away free. How does that happen?

I don't think Herman Cain is well versed on foreign affairs. A reporter asked him how he would handle Greece, and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza.

A fourth woman has come forward with accusations of sexual harassment by Herman Cain dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and Gloria Allred is her lawyer. Allred maintains a press podium in her living room for gold digging instances just like this. Kinda reminds me of Al "Have podium, will travel" Sharpton.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

The Aflac duck balloon will debut this year at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. If you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.

This Date In History: 1888; Jack the Ripper killed his last victim, Mary Jane Kelly. 1938; Nazis burned and looted temples and Jewish-owned stores and houses in Germany and Austria in what became known as Kristallnacht (Crystal Night—referring to broken glass on streets). 1953; Author-poet Dylan Thomas died in New York at age 39.

1965; A switch at a station near Niagara Falls failed. The Northeast and parts of Canada went dark for more than 13 hours. 1970; Former French president Charles De Gaulle died at age 79. 1989; Borders between East and West Germany were opened and the Berlin Wall began to be dismantled the next day.

Picture Of The Day: ....and then I wrote the song, "Inflatulation", but it never sold more than a few hundred copies.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 2) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. 3) I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got their tits caught in a zipper. 4) I went to the National Schizophrenic's Convention. Anybody who's everybody was there. 5) Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 9th: Judging from the theme of today's journal, I'd carry some Beano tablets with you tonight if you're going to happy hour. If you're staying in, just advise your loved ones, cage and cover the pets and let 'er rip.

Birthdays: Benjamin Banneker, mathematician, astronomer, surveyor 1731, Gail Borden, dairyman, surveyor, and inventor 1801, Elijah Lovejoy, abolitionist 1802, Ivan Turgenev, novelist 1818, Stanford White, architect 1853, Anne Sexton, poet 1928, Lou Ferrigno, actor 1951, David Duva, golfer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma,you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together. The guy mentions none of this to his fiancé. They marry and go on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first! No one has ever touched these breasts." Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first! No one has ever touched me here."

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the crate!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. She complained, "You'll fart your guts out one of these days."

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's ass. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. The old man said, "You was right all along honey. I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor. "It's terrible. I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?" Aunt Cora replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Cora responded. "Of course I do. I take a magazine."

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just passed a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He leans over to her and replies, "I think you need to put a new battery in your hearing aid..."

Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the first time. Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten. Whatever the reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of wind.

By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and into the car without disgracing herself. As Dave closed the door on her side and walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud fart.

Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed. However, turning to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, "Let me introduce my two friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!"

That's it for today my little licoric sticks. Remember, those who say they "sleep like a baby", obviously haven't got one. It's hump day and that means happy hour at AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

That's My Story And I'm Sticking To It !

I'm a bit late posting today because of the recent time change. I set all of my clocks back on Saturday but my ladyfriend called me this afternoon to come over and have a beer. As I was driving there, I looked at the clock in the car and it said 6 o'clock. I figured I had plenty of time for a couple of beers. As it turns out, that's the only clock I didn't set back. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The News As I See It: Obama joined other world leaders in trying to convince Greece to cut back in spending and reduce their debt. Apparently. this is part of their "do as we say not as we do summit". If they're serious about cutting back on spending, how about not holding these summits in the world's most expensive places like the South of France? What's wrong with the function room at Denny’s or the Waffle House?

A man called the police this week after a snake crawled out of the ATM he was using. The snake was immediately captured and returned to its position as the bank’s CEO.

The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of home runs that they hit. Call me old fashioned, but isn't that what steroids are for?

Police have arrested an 83-year-old male prostitute. Man, he must really have an optimistic pimp. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids. It’s a little weird. Instead of asking clients for cash, he has them pay him in war bonds.

This Date In History: 1874; The Republican Party was first symbolized as an elephant in a cartoon drawn by Thomas Nast in Harper's Weekly magazine. 1916; Jeannette Rankin of Montana became the first woman elected to Congress. 1917; Vladimir Lenin's forces overthrew Alexander Kerensky's government in Russia's Bolshevik Revolution.

1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt won a fourth term in office, defeating Thomas E. Dewey. 1962; Former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt died in New York City at age 78. 1967; Carl Stokes of Cleveland became the first black mayor of a major U.S. city. 1989; L. Douglas Wilder was elected governor of Virginia. He became the nation's first elected black governor.

2000; The U.S. went to the polls to choose between George W. Bush and Al Gore. The outcome wouldn't be known for more than a month because of disputed votes in Florida.

Picture Of The Day: Andy Rooney died recently, just weeks after he retired. I always enjoyed listening to that cantankerous old man. In the early days, he reminded me of my father and in his last days, he reminded me of myself. Rest in peace, Andy.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 2) If Obama was the answer, how stupid was the question? 3)Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. 4) It's always darkest just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 5) Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Damn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Damn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 7th: If you're going to make all of your plans work well today, I suggest you reset the clock in your car, because you forgot to do it on Sunday. Of course, if you don't have a car this information will be useless.....it won't be the first time. I suggest you take it slow today and call a loved one tonight.

Birthdays: Benjamin Banneker, mathematician, astronomer, surveyor 1731, Gail Borden, dairyman, surveyor, and inventor 1801, Elijah Lovejoy, abolitionist 1802, Ivan Turgenev, novelist 1818, Stanford White, architect 1853, Anne Sexton, poet 1928, Carl Sagan American astronomer 1934, Lou Ferigno, actor 1951, David Duval, golfer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, but I know we've been friends for a long time. I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out, "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it." So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollars back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which ma replies "Hurts, don't it?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Linda from Washington State for their contributions to today's stories.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

That's it for today my little jelly beans. Remember, bigamy is one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Are We Broke Yet?

The world is talking about the financial problems in Greece but here in America, there are a few states that are teetering on bankruptcy as well. California's economy is the eighth largest economy in the world, if the states of the U.S. were compared with other countries.

Judging from California's current financial state, I'd be a lot more worried about the Golden State going bankrupt than Greece. The Greeks have been an overspending nanny state for a long time and it's about time to pay the piper. The Euro, which was created to compete against the American dollar, should be the only way out for Greece. I'm betting that Britain's happier than hell that they stayed with their own currency.

The News As I See It: Obama just went to the G20 summit to give Europe advice on its debt crisis. Wait, Europe’s getting economic advice from Obama? That’s like J.Lo getting marriage advice from Kim Kardashian.

Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

Justin Bieber's scandal broke. The latest is the woman who claims Bieber fathered her love child says they had sex in a bathroom. Meanwhile, Justin is saying he didn't know they had sex. He just thought the babysitter gave him a really good bath.

The Israeli cabinet is discussing a preemptive attack on Iran. Do you realize if that happened, it could knock Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian right off the front page?

Congratulations to Vice President Joe O'Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor's office while he was trying to get O'Biden's foot out of his mouth.

This Date In History: 1842; Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd in Springfield, Illinois. 1880; James and John Ritty of Dayton, Ohio, patented the first cash register. 1922; Howard Carter discovered the tomb of Tutankhamen in Egypt.

1924; Nellie T. Ross of Wyoming was elected the nation's first woman governor, to serve out the term of her husband who died in office. 1956; Russian troops attacked Budapest and crushed the Hungarian revolt under Premier Imre Nagy.

1979; The American embassy in Tehran, Iran, was seized by militants and 90 Americans were taken hostage. 1995; Israeli Prime Minister, and Nobel Laureate, Yitzhak Rabin, was assassinated by a right-wing Israeli.

Picture Of The Day: The world in concerned with Greece's economy. To a degree, I'm concerned as well. I'm more concerned, however, about states who habitually overspend and then look to the government for help. It's time to buckle up those belts.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please. Cashier: Do you want a paper bag with that sir? Cowboy: Nah...she ain't that ugly. 2) I love blackjack, but I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle. 3) Whenever I walk somewhere and someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're telling me, "Here, Go throw this away." 4) A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called our band "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.

5) You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes! Next!......Donner, party of eighty-seven.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 4th: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice and payback is hell. Relax, have a beer and a slice of pizza and if you still have that feeling, smash your ring finger with a hammer. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice once your finger heals.

Birthdays: My pal Donna - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Will Rogers, actor, humorist 1879, Harry George Ferguson, inventor 1884, Walter Cronkite, news broadcaster 1916, Art Carney, actor 1918, Loretta Swit, actor 1937, Laura Bush, First Lady 1946, Matthew McConaughey, actor 1969, Luis Figo, soccer player 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A drunk old man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be damned" and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk replied, "Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the beer. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you can hum it, I'll play it."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" The woman said, "We're taking Continental. We got a great rate!"

The hairdresser said, "Continental? That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" The woman said, "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." The hairdresser said, "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

The woman said, "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." The hairdresser laughed, "That's rich. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. The woman said, "It was wonderful. Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

The hairdresser muttered, "Well, that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." The woman said, "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors. He said if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

The hairdresser said, "Oh, really! What'd he say?" The woman replied, "He said, 'Who fucked up your hair?'"

That's it for today my little coconuts. Remember, five out of four people have trouble with fractions. It's Friday and AREA 51 beckons. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Seven Billion People?

The sun came out this morning. Normally, this is just a regular day in Miami but relentless rains in the area forced me to begin plans to build my ark. I began looking for two of everything to join me when the floods came, but the two Cuban girls I selected didn't buy the theory. Back to the drawing board.....

A Note To The N.B.A.: Kim Kardashian getting a divorce and is on the prowl again so it's "game on". Tip off is Friday night at 8:00 pm. Wear your best grill.

The world population now stands at 7 billion people. I'm unsure how they arrived at that number and which family produced baby number 7 billion. My guess is that the baby wasn't born in San Francisco or Key West.

The News As I See It: Would you like to be Kim Kardashian's next husband? You can! Just sign with any professional basketball team and you will soon be called to a free agent meeting at the Los Angeles Convention Center by Kris Jenner.

Nissan unveiled the New York taxi of the future. Some of its amazing technological advancements include heated seats, reduced emissions, and a willingness to go to Brooklyn.

Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers.

Halloween night, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn.

The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico.

British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.

This Date In History: 1889; North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th states, respectively. 1947; Howard Hughes flew the Spruce Goose on its first and only flight.

1948; Harry S. Truman defeated Thomas E. Dewey to the surprise of pollsters and newspapers, in the greatest presidential upset in history. 1959; Twenty-One game show contestant Charles Van Doren admitted that he had been given questions and answers in advance.

1976; Jimmy Carter defeated Gerald Ford, becoming the first U.S. president from the deep South since the Civil War. 1984 Velma Margie Barfield, a convicted murderer became the first woman to be executed since capital punishment was reinstated in 1976.

Picture Of The Day: No rhyme or reason for the picture of the two little kids dancing, I just thought it was cute.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 2) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 3) You tell when a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil. 4) "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" 5) I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 2nd: You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes and you will learn a lot today. But fear not, my little penguins, just keep your eyes on the road and your hand on your wallet and you'll be fine. Avoid eye contact with any woman with big biceps and a large tattoo on her shoulder.

Birthdays: Jean-Baptiste-Simeon Chardin, painter 1699, George Boole, mathematician 1734, Daniel Boone, frontiersman 1734, Marie Antoinette, queen of France 1755, James Knox Polk, 11th president of the United States 1795, Warren G. Harding, 29th president of the United States. 1865, Carlos Bulosan, writer 1911, Burt Lancaster, film actor 1913, K.D. Lang, singer 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.

Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses."

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness.The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said, thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady said, "For sure, but don't put that in your newspaper."

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" The woman said, "Actually, yes, I do. 'The doctor said, "Does it hurt you?" The woman answered, "No, I rather like it."

The doctor continued, "Well, then there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, as long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She said, "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, Of course. Where do you think people like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid come from."

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

That's it for today my little maple leafs. Remember, Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf". It's Hump Day and great reason to head to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !