Thursday, November 10, 2011

Jimmy's Journal - Late, Late Wednesday Edition

Miss Manners does not mention them, chiefly because they are unmentionable, but you all know what they are. At any rate, these are noises that are acknowledged by neither the noisemaker nor the noise recipient, because socially they do not exist. The practice of staring hard at the person next to you when, for instance, your own stomach has given off a loud rumble, is therefore to be condemned on grounds of etiquette as well as morals.

In other words, if someone nearby cuts the cheese, the correct response is.....nothing. Socially, the event did not happen, therefore to comment upon it would show a lack of culture. Therefore, you may now let loose with impunity. Should the person next to you wrinkle her nose or offer comment, you are permitted to laugh inwardly at her faux pas. Of course if it was me, I'd merely ask, "Excuse me, did you fart? Hmmm....., I guess it must have been me."

The News As I See It: A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama's policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That's because he's created more jobs overseas than here in America.

According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, "We're still getting used to having a Muslim president."

Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe O'Biden speech. Conrad was found guilty, but Jackson's plastic surgeon walks away free. How does that happen?

I don't think Herman Cain is well versed on foreign affairs. A reporter asked him how he would handle Greece, and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza.

A fourth woman has come forward with accusations of sexual harassment by Herman Cain dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and Gloria Allred is her lawyer. Allred maintains a press podium in her living room for gold digging instances just like this. Kinda reminds me of Al "Have podium, will travel" Sharpton.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

The Aflac duck balloon will debut this year at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. If you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.

This Date In History: 1888; Jack the Ripper killed his last victim, Mary Jane Kelly. 1938; Nazis burned and looted temples and Jewish-owned stores and houses in Germany and Austria in what became known as Kristallnacht (Crystal Night—referring to broken glass on streets). 1953; Author-poet Dylan Thomas died in New York at age 39.

1965; A switch at a station near Niagara Falls failed. The Northeast and parts of Canada went dark for more than 13 hours. 1970; Former French president Charles De Gaulle died at age 79. 1989; Borders between East and West Germany were opened and the Berlin Wall began to be dismantled the next day.

Picture Of The Day: ....and then I wrote the song, "Inflatulation", but it never sold more than a few hundred copies.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 2) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. 3) I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got their tits caught in a zipper. 4) I went to the National Schizophrenic's Convention. Anybody who's everybody was there. 5) Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 9th: Judging from the theme of today's journal, I'd carry some Beano tablets with you tonight if you're going to happy hour. If you're staying in, just advise your loved ones, cage and cover the pets and let 'er rip.

Birthdays: Benjamin Banneker, mathematician, astronomer, surveyor 1731, Gail Borden, dairyman, surveyor, and inventor 1801, Elijah Lovejoy, abolitionist 1802, Ivan Turgenev, novelist 1818, Stanford White, architect 1853, Anne Sexton, poet 1928, Lou Ferrigno, actor 1951, David Duva, golfer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma,you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together. The guy mentions none of this to his fiancé. They marry and go on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first! No one has ever touched these breasts." Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first! No one has ever touched me here."

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the crate!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. She complained, "You'll fart your guts out one of these days."

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's ass. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. The old man said, "You was right all along honey. I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor. "It's terrible. I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?" Aunt Cora replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Cora responded. "Of course I do. I take a magazine."

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just passed a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He leans over to her and replies, "I think you need to put a new battery in your hearing aid..."

Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the first time. Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten. Whatever the reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of wind.

By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and into the car without disgracing herself. As Dave closed the door on her side and walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud fart.

Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed. However, turning to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, "Let me introduce my two friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!"

That's it for today my little licoric sticks. Remember, those who say they "sleep like a baby", obviously haven't got one. It's hump day and that means happy hour at AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Absolutely one of your more memorable political moments:

A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama's policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That's because he's created more jobs overseas than here in America.

So that was Brian with that girl that was overcome int he back seat!!!

Thanks for the laughs and a good read.
Sherry & jack (Sherry will be by tomorrow, or later this morning)
Now I am gone!

Linda's World said...

Love the picture of the little kittens....they do fart don't 'cha know?

garnett109 said...

This post kinda has a bad air too it jimmy!

Amelia said...

I heard that there are some countries where a fart is just as excusable as a burp.

Okay, the hearing aid joke killed me! That was great! LMAO