Friday, November 4, 2011

Are We Broke Yet?

The world is talking about the financial problems in Greece but here in America, there are a few states that are teetering on bankruptcy as well. California's economy is the eighth largest economy in the world, if the states of the U.S. were compared with other countries.

Judging from California's current financial state, I'd be a lot more worried about the Golden State going bankrupt than Greece. The Greeks have been an overspending nanny state for a long time and it's about time to pay the piper. The Euro, which was created to compete against the American dollar, should be the only way out for Greece. I'm betting that Britain's happier than hell that they stayed with their own currency.

The News As I See It: Obama just went to the G20 summit to give Europe advice on its debt crisis. Wait, Europe’s getting economic advice from Obama? That’s like J.Lo getting marriage advice from Kim Kardashian.

Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

Justin Bieber's scandal broke. The latest is the woman who claims Bieber fathered her love child says they had sex in a bathroom. Meanwhile, Justin is saying he didn't know they had sex. He just thought the babysitter gave him a really good bath.

The Israeli cabinet is discussing a preemptive attack on Iran. Do you realize if that happened, it could knock Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian right off the front page?

Congratulations to Vice President Joe O'Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor's office while he was trying to get O'Biden's foot out of his mouth.

This Date In History: 1842; Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd in Springfield, Illinois. 1880; James and John Ritty of Dayton, Ohio, patented the first cash register. 1922; Howard Carter discovered the tomb of Tutankhamen in Egypt.

1924; Nellie T. Ross of Wyoming was elected the nation's first woman governor, to serve out the term of her husband who died in office. 1956; Russian troops attacked Budapest and crushed the Hungarian revolt under Premier Imre Nagy.

1979; The American embassy in Tehran, Iran, was seized by militants and 90 Americans were taken hostage. 1995; Israeli Prime Minister, and Nobel Laureate, Yitzhak Rabin, was assassinated by a right-wing Israeli.

Picture Of The Day: The world in concerned with Greece's economy. To a degree, I'm concerned as well. I'm more concerned, however, about states who habitually overspend and then look to the government for help. It's time to buckle up those belts.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please. Cashier: Do you want a paper bag with that sir? Cowboy: Nah...she ain't that ugly. 2) I love blackjack, but I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle. 3) Whenever I walk somewhere and someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're telling me, "Here, Go throw this away." 4) A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called our band "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.

5) You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes! Next!......Donner, party of eighty-seven.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 4th: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice and payback is hell. Relax, have a beer and a slice of pizza and if you still have that feeling, smash your ring finger with a hammer. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice once your finger heals.

Birthdays: My pal Donna - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Will Rogers, actor, humorist 1879, Harry George Ferguson, inventor 1884, Walter Cronkite, news broadcaster 1916, Art Carney, actor 1918, Loretta Swit, actor 1937, Laura Bush, First Lady 1946, Matthew McConaughey, actor 1969, Luis Figo, soccer player 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A drunk old man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be damned" and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk replied, "Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the beer. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you can hum it, I'll play it."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" The woman said, "We're taking Continental. We got a great rate!"

The hairdresser said, "Continental? That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" The woman said, "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." The hairdresser said, "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

The woman said, "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." The hairdresser laughed, "That's rich. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. The woman said, "It was wonderful. Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

The hairdresser muttered, "Well, that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." The woman said, "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors. He said if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

The hairdresser said, "Oh, really! What'd he say?" The woman replied, "He said, 'Who fucked up your hair?'"

That's it for today my little coconuts. Remember, five out of four people have trouble with fractions. It's Friday and AREA 51 beckons. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

sure like that Catholic beauty salon joke.

jack69 said...

Tonight I was not drinking green tea, it was tomato juice. I was real careful. Enjoyed the world news, I about lost it with the flier thing, 'Go throw this away', but I hung in there. I made it all the way, enjoyed it, relaxed after I finished the area 51 retirement home jokes, figured I was safe, let my guard down then you hit me with the statistics 5 out of 4! I messed up my monitor, you owe me!!!

Heli gunner Tom said...

I love your humor, wit and logic, Jimmy. You're a winner!

Tom S

Rose said...

I feel bad for Jack spitting his tomato juice all over his monitor from laughing while reading your blog!

I learned a long time ago not to drink while reading Jimmy's Journal!