Monday, November 7, 2011

That's My Story And I'm Sticking To It !

I'm a bit late posting today because of the recent time change. I set all of my clocks back on Saturday but my ladyfriend called me this afternoon to come over and have a beer. As I was driving there, I looked at the clock in the car and it said 6 o'clock. I figured I had plenty of time for a couple of beers. As it turns out, that's the only clock I didn't set back. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The News As I See It: Obama joined other world leaders in trying to convince Greece to cut back in spending and reduce their debt. Apparently. this is part of their "do as we say not as we do summit". If they're serious about cutting back on spending, how about not holding these summits in the world's most expensive places like the South of France? What's wrong with the function room at Denny’s or the Waffle House?

A man called the police this week after a snake crawled out of the ATM he was using. The snake was immediately captured and returned to its position as the bank’s CEO.

The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of home runs that they hit. Call me old fashioned, but isn't that what steroids are for?

Police have arrested an 83-year-old male prostitute. Man, he must really have an optimistic pimp. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids. It’s a little weird. Instead of asking clients for cash, he has them pay him in war bonds.

This Date In History: 1874; The Republican Party was first symbolized as an elephant in a cartoon drawn by Thomas Nast in Harper's Weekly magazine. 1916; Jeannette Rankin of Montana became the first woman elected to Congress. 1917; Vladimir Lenin's forces overthrew Alexander Kerensky's government in Russia's Bolshevik Revolution.

1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt won a fourth term in office, defeating Thomas E. Dewey. 1962; Former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt died in New York City at age 78. 1967; Carl Stokes of Cleveland became the first black mayor of a major U.S. city. 1989; L. Douglas Wilder was elected governor of Virginia. He became the nation's first elected black governor.

2000; The U.S. went to the polls to choose between George W. Bush and Al Gore. The outcome wouldn't be known for more than a month because of disputed votes in Florida.

Picture Of The Day: Andy Rooney died recently, just weeks after he retired. I always enjoyed listening to that cantankerous old man. In the early days, he reminded me of my father and in his last days, he reminded me of myself. Rest in peace, Andy.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 2) If Obama was the answer, how stupid was the question? 3)Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. 4) It's always darkest just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 5) Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Damn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Damn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 7th: If you're going to make all of your plans work well today, I suggest you reset the clock in your car, because you forgot to do it on Sunday. Of course, if you don't have a car this information will be won't be the first time. I suggest you take it slow today and call a loved one tonight.

Birthdays: Benjamin Banneker, mathematician, astronomer, surveyor 1731, Gail Borden, dairyman, surveyor, and inventor 1801, Elijah Lovejoy, abolitionist 1802, Ivan Turgenev, novelist 1818, Stanford White, architect 1853, Anne Sexton, poet 1928, Carl Sagan American astronomer 1934, Lou Ferigno, actor 1951, David Duval, golfer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, but I know we've been friends for a long time. I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out, "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it." So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollars back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which ma replies "Hurts, don't it?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Linda from Washington State for their contributions to today's stories.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

That's it for today my little jelly beans. Remember, bigamy is one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Wouldn't you know I was already thinking damn Jimmy will put anything in his blog? It is a pretty balloon.

garnett109 said...

I wanna rolex to Jimmy!

jack69 said...

Garnett don't beat around the bush, the boy knows what he wants. Now to the Post:

If Obama was the answer, how stupid was the question?

You hit the nail on the head, of course twould be better if you hit the.... oh well.

And I have forwarded your advice to the Prez, about Dennys!!!!~
Take care down there!!!
And get the all the clocks set!!!!

Sherry & Jack

Rose said...

Rolex.............nice! LOL