Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Seven Billion People?

The sun came out this morning. Normally, this is just a regular day in Miami but relentless rains in the area forced me to begin plans to build my ark. I began looking for two of everything to join me when the floods came, but the two Cuban girls I selected didn't buy the theory. Back to the drawing board.....

A Note To The N.B.A.: Kim Kardashian getting a divorce and is on the prowl again so it's "game on". Tip off is Friday night at 8:00 pm. Wear your best grill.

The world population now stands at 7 billion people. I'm unsure how they arrived at that number and which family produced baby number 7 billion. My guess is that the baby wasn't born in San Francisco or Key West.

The News As I See It: Would you like to be Kim Kardashian's next husband? You can! Just sign with any professional basketball team and you will soon be called to a free agent meeting at the Los Angeles Convention Center by Kris Jenner.

Nissan unveiled the New York taxi of the future. Some of its amazing technological advancements include heated seats, reduced emissions, and a willingness to go to Brooklyn.

Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers.

Halloween night, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn.

The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico.

British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.

This Date In History: 1889; North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th states, respectively. 1947; Howard Hughes flew the Spruce Goose on its first and only flight.

1948; Harry S. Truman defeated Thomas E. Dewey to the surprise of pollsters and newspapers, in the greatest presidential upset in history. 1959; Twenty-One game show contestant Charles Van Doren admitted that he had been given questions and answers in advance.

1976; Jimmy Carter defeated Gerald Ford, becoming the first U.S. president from the deep South since the Civil War. 1984 Velma Margie Barfield, a convicted murderer became the first woman to be executed since capital punishment was reinstated in 1976.

Picture Of The Day: No rhyme or reason for the picture of the two little kids dancing, I just thought it was cute.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 2) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 3) You tell when a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil. 4) "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" 5) I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 2nd: You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes and you will learn a lot today. But fear not, my little penguins, just keep your eyes on the road and your hand on your wallet and you'll be fine. Avoid eye contact with any woman with big biceps and a large tattoo on her shoulder.

Birthdays: Jean-Baptiste-Simeon Chardin, painter 1699, George Boole, mathematician 1734, Daniel Boone, frontiersman 1734, Marie Antoinette, queen of France 1755, James Knox Polk, 11th president of the United States 1795, Warren G. Harding, 29th president of the United States. 1865, Carlos Bulosan, writer 1911, Burt Lancaster, film actor 1913, K.D. Lang, singer 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.

Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses."

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness.The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said, thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady said, "For sure, but don't put that in your newspaper."

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" The woman said, "Actually, yes, I do. 'The doctor said, "Does it hurt you?" The woman answered, "No, I rather like it."

The doctor continued, "Well, then there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, as long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She said, "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, Of course. Where do you think people like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid come from."

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

That's it for today my little maple leafs. Remember, Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf". It's Hump Day and great reason to head to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

If I can get this on with a straight face,This is good:
Halloween night, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn.

But I threw the green tea thru my nose again at the, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold".
Nite Jimmy!!!

Paula said...

Awww the litte kids dancing is the best.

Linda's World said...

Love the picture of the little kids dancing. According to mama Kris Kardashian-Jenner, Kim feels really bad about having to file for divorce in just 72 days. Boo hoo!! If you ask me the poor slob that married her is much better off without her. Windy and rainy in the lovely Pacific Northwest. Snow is coming to the mountain passes, the skiers are waxing their boards.