The Difference Between Men And Women

The main reason men and women stay together is sex. The reasoning, however, varies according to who you ask. Men have a goal and once attained, become useless. Women, on the other hand, are more romantically inclined and tend to overlook the faults of men.

Other than sex and the eventual propagation of the species, men and women are like oil and vinegar. If you shake them real well, they serve a purpose as does the aforementioned oil and vinegar when put on salad. But sooner or later, they separate and tend to hang out among their own.

Lets take a gander at the following situations, shall we?

Nicknames: If Ileana, Linda, Luly, Joann, Julie, Paula, Sandra and Yolanda go out for brunch, they will call each other Ileana, Linda, Luly, Joann, Julie, Paula, Sandra and Yolanda. But if Mike, Jack, John and Rob go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Beer Breath, Dipshit, Skinny and Tubby.

Eating Out: and when the check comes, Mike, Jack, John and Rob will each throw in a $20 bill, even though the total bill is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Bathrooms: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 37. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good.

By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than Jed Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.

When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

 

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about twenty years ago, before he will do his laundry.

When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Seinfeld."

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Further Observations:

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.

Women always worry about things that men forget.
Men always worry about things that women remember.....

The News As I See It: A guy purchased Willie Nelson's hair for $37,000. Willy cut his braids and the guy bought them for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000. This is the kind of decision you make after spending the day on Willie's tour bus.

Obama went to Gwyneth Paltrow's home for a democratic fund raiser and the newly single Paltrow gushed and almost wet herself in his presence. Paltrow, an obvious Hollywood libtard should have brought up the war with ISIS and the current Ebola outbreak. Obie and Gwyneth, what a pair.....

This week, they had one of those special lunar eclipses called a blood moon. The moon was glowing red, which means that the Republicans have gained another seat in the Senate.

Kim Jong Un is missing. Nobody's seen the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for about a month now. His daughter, Kim Kardashi Un, is worried. She really became concerned when he didn't show up at George Clooney's wedding.

Today is the 10th anniversary of when Martha Stewart had to go to the penitentiary. Martha was in a minimum security facility, sort of like the White House.

A survey found that more than half of Americans see Obama's time in office as a failure, while the rest said, "You saw him in his office? When?"

This Date In History: 1845; The U.S. Naval Academy opened in Annapolis, Maryland. 1886; The tuxedo dinner jacket made its debut at a ball in Tuxedo Park, New York. 1911; Sun Yat-sen's revolutionaries overthrew the Manchu dynasty in China.

1935; George Gershwin's opera Porgy and Bess debuted on Broadway. 1943; Chiang Kai-shek took the oath of office as president of China. 1970; Fiji gained its independence from Great Britain.

1973; Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned after being charged with tax evasion. 1985; Actor and director Orson Welles died in Hollywood at age 70. 2001; California representative Nancy Pelosi became minority whip. 2002; The US Congress gave President Bush authorization to use military force against Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Secret Service director Julia Pierson resigns. Well, not exactly. They told her to clear her desk and get out or resign.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think the president and members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms just like NASCAR race drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. 2) There's nothing better than a good friend except a good friend with chocolate 3) They say that it's healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out Square Dancing across America. 4) My friend told me he thinks that everyone hates him. I said he was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met him yet. 5) Every time I walk into AREA 51 for happy hour, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 10th: This day is tailor made for you. Go to a nice restaurant for lunch and buy a few lottery tickets. Oh, and buy gas... Don't buy more than a half of tankful as the prices will continue to fall. Chances for romance are 67.62 percent and even higher if you've got gas.... from the gas station.... You know what I mean!

Birthdays: Jean-Antoine Watteau painter 1684, Henry Cavendish physicist and chemist 1731, Benjamin West painter 1738, Giuseppe Verdi composer of opera 1813, Robert Gould Shaw soldier, Civil War figure 1837, Helen Hayes actress 1900, Alberto Giacometti sculptor 1901, R. K. Narayan novelist 1906, Thelonious Monk jazz pianist 1917, James Clavell, (Charles Edmund DuMaresq de Clavelle), screenwriter, director, producer, novelist  1924, Harold Pinter dramatist 1930, Ben Vereen actor, dancer 1946, Amanda Burton actor 1956, Tanya Tucker country singer 1958, Brett Favre football player 1969, Dale Earnhardt Jr. auto racer 1974, Mya singer, actor 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Dave walks over and asks Norm what's wrong. Norm replies, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" Dave replies with a smile, "Yes."

Norm, straightening up says, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." Dave says, "Great, When are you going out?" Norm says, "I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my truck and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did get a woody, it wouldn't show." Dave says. "That's a good idea."

Norm continues, "So I get to her door and rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." Norm says, "And what happened then?" Norm slumps back over the bar again and says, "I kicked her in the face."

A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license and they'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Ebola In Texas

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

The attorney began complaining and insulting the nurse, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out! He continues cursing at the nurse as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room and says "What's going on here?"

The attorney snottily answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless.

The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

That's it for today, my little aardvarks. Remember, If you get a Department of Homeland Security email titled, "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi. I'm going to mosey on over to AREA 51 for happy hour. It's been a while since I've moseyed.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Politicians And The Media Have A New Term - "Feckless"

Tired of listening to the same old double talk by Obama and Congress? Tired of hearing "kick the can down the road" and trite political bullshit? There's a new word on the block and everyone's using it....."Feckless". Time to go to the dictionary again.

Obama the Feckless? Everyone is using the word. Obviously republicans like John McCain and others are using it, but so is CNN, former U.S. ambassador to the U.N. John Bolton, former Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta. Hell, even former president Jimmy Carter is using "feckless" to describe Obama.

Political rhetoric drives me insane! Just when I though I had a grasp of Washington double speak....when I finally thought I could deal with terms like vetting, collateral damage, fiscal cliff and double down politics, along comes politicians with the word "feckless" and the media, facebook and others tell me that it's "trending".

Trending? Evidently this is their way of saying "Breaking News" or "News Alert" - Well, according to whom? I took a laxative last night and it kicked in about 2 pm today. It was a news alert that wasn't important to most, but I appreciated the gaseous "heads up"!

Now, Republicans and Democrats alike are using "feckless" to describe their opinion of Obama's handling of the war with ISIS and the Ebola outbreak.

So, to save you time and effort, I have looked the word up for your dining and dancing pleasure:

Feckless: Pronounced feck·less (adjective) - Lacking initiative or strength of character; irresponsible. Synonyms: useless, worthless, incompetent, inept, good-for-nothing.

Well, there it is. I kind of like it. It certainly describes Obama and Congress......

The News As I See It: The White House dismissed former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta's criticisms of Obama, saying he has faced some of the most difficult issues of our time. That would be a great defense if every president didn't face the most difficult issues of their time. Panetta said it seems like Obama has lost his way. Apparently, it’s gotten so bad that this morning Obama was seen asking a White House intruder for directions.

Russian dictator Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. He will not be able to attend the ceremony. That week he will be invading Poland.

Facebook is reportedly thinking of ways to incorporate health into their array of services. Here's how it will work: If you get a cut or a bruise or something, take a picture of it and post it. If it gets more than 100 likes, you're cured.

The New York Post says that Oscar Wilde is responsible for Kim Kardashian’s rise to fame because he was the first person "famous for being famous." When asked her thoughts about it, Kim said, "Is Oscar the one that lives in a trash can?"

This Date In History: 1869; The 14th president of the United States, Franklin Pierce, died in Concord, New Hampshire. 1871; The Great Fire of Chicago started. That same day in Peshtigo, Wisconsin, the worst forest fire in U.S. history also began.

1934; Bruno Hauptmannn was indicted for the murder of Charles Lindbergh's baby. 1945; President Harry Truman announced the U.S. would share the secret of the atomic bomb only with Great Britain and Canada.

1956; Don Larsen of the New York Yankees pitched the first and only perfect game in a World Series. 2004; Martha Stewart began her prison sentence at Alderson Federal Prison Camp.

2005; A 7.6 magnitude earthquake centered in the Pakistani-controlled part of the Kashmir region killed more than 80,000 and injured 65,000.

Picture Of The Day: Talk about bad timing. The Dallas Weekly came up with one of the most poorly timed covers in memory.

Just as the city is cleaning up and sterilizing the places where Ebola victim Thomas Duncan visited after returning from Liberia, the magazine published online their latest issue, featuring the sure to be infamous cover and headline "Taste of Africa Comes To Dallas."

The issue was not only published online, but an email blast was sent out announcing it. That email went out on September 25, and was also tweeted from the Magazine's account.

Obviously the issue was designed and scheduled before news broke of the Dallas Ebola victim. Duncan arrived in Dallas on the September 20th and went to the hospital on the same day the issue went out. He was not diagnosed until five days later. Duncan died today.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When Brother Kirt and I were young, we liked to play in the sandbox, but the cat kept covering us up. 2) My friend joined a bridge club. He jumps off next Tuesday.  3) I've been trying to figure out why is there is an expiration date on sour cream. 4) You know you're getting older when you're afraid to cough in an elevator because you're unsure of which end it will come out. 5) When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 8th: Keep an open mind because you may be getting a compliment from a member of the opposite sex that you may not understand. As long as it does not involve a whip, handcuffs and a gerbil, go with it. It'll probably be fun. Chance of romance is 44.57 percent. It can be higher if you don't mind the handcuffs.

Birthdays: Emily Blackwell, physician 1826, Edward Rickenbacker, war hero and airline executive 1890, Juan Perón, president of Argentina 1895, Frank Herbert, writer 1920, Chevy Chase, comedian 1943, R.L. Stine, writer 1943, Dennis Kucinich, political figure 1946, Sigourney Weaver, actress 1949, Matt Damon, actor 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for the two women who are ahead of them at the next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes, but soon get irritated at the amount of time the women are taking to play the hole.

One of the men decides that enough is enough. He tells his friend, "I'm going to go up there and tell those two to hurry up!" He starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he returns to his friend.

His friend asks, "What's wrong?" He says, "I can't go over there. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress." His friend tells him, "That's okay, I'll go talk to them." He too starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he too returns to his friend. He says, "Small world....."

Two old ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy is sitting alone in a bar nursing his drink. The bartender is at the other end of the bar cleaning a glass. The guy suddenly hears a little whisper of a voice that says, "Nice hat." He looks around but he’s the only one nearby. He thinks nothing of it and keeps drinking.

A few minutes later he hears this same voice, "Nice shirt." Now he’s getting a little paranoid because there’s still no one else in the bar. He calls the bartender over and orders another drink. Several minutes later he hears the voice say, "Nice tie." He just about loses it.

He calls the bartender over and says, "Man, I'm going crazy! I keep hearing voices!" The bartender asks, "What are they saying?" The guys says, "Nice hat, nice shirt, nice tie." The bartender says, "Ah, it’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary."

 A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys."

The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, "Wait!"

The priest says, "What’s wrong?!" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Sister Nancy sticks her ass in it."

That's it for today, my little love bugs. Remember, do not allow tequila to be your downfall. The worm does not justify the hangover. It's time to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. See 'ya there!

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Health And Terror Issues Continue to Rise

My concern with Ebola grows and I think it would be prudent to stop incoming flights from some countries. Some believe that this is unfair. I don't particularly give a rat's ass if it's fair or not. My concern is America and specifically, my family and friends.

Furthermore, you can shove political correctness where the sun doesn't shine. If you're an asshole, then you should be referred to as an asshole.

Speaking of same, Obama seems unable to call Islamic terrorists what they are, unable to say that we're at war with ISIS and his fellow democrat, Nancy Pelosi, refers to illegal aliens as "undocumented people." The only thing left is to refer to looters as "undocumented shoppers".....
  

The News As I See It: Scientists are suggesting that Pluto should be considered a planet again eight years after it was classified as a dwarf planet. Americans are suggesting that scientists cut the crap about Pluto and figure out how to stop Ebola.

Secret Service Director Julia Pierson resigned and in her closing statement she said, "I'm leaving, not because of the breaches in security, but I don't think I can take the pressure of the upcoming trick-or-treaters." They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.

The Obamas celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary. It was a quiet late-night supper. It was just the Obamas and a couple of White House fence jumpers.

The world's oldest clown, Floyd "Creaky" Creekmore of Montana, passed away at age 98. He leaves a very big pair of shoes to fill. Funeral were worried because if too many of his co-workers show up, it could be a real circus. All of Creaky's co-workers will be attending the funeral in a tiny little car.

This Date In History: 1927; "The Jazz Singer," the first full-length talking picture, starring Al Jolson, debuted. 1949; Japanese-American broadcaster, Iva Toguri D'Aquino (Tokyo Rose), was sentenced to 10 years in prison and fined $10,000 for treason.

1973; The Yom Kippur War began when Syria and Egypt attacked Israel. 1979; President Jimmy Carter received Pope John Paul II, the first pope to visit the White House. 1981; Egypt's President Anwar Sadat was assassinated in Cairo. 1989; Bette Davis died in France at age 81.

Picture Of The Day: Unidentified member of Congress ponders pending Ebola and ISIS issues.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your relationship. In other news, water is wet and the sun is hot. 2) The word "literally" is going to be eliminated from the English language in 2015. Use it while you can, teenagers. 3) I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments. 4) I'm seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they'll clean my house. 5) Lately, I’ve been experiencing economic déjà vu, the feeling that I’ve been in certain stores before and paid much lower prices.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 6th: Good times are in store for you tonight. Remember to gas up your car 'cause I'd hate to see you run out of gas on your way home. Don't pet goats tonight. Romance will be the farthest thing from your mind but the chances are 50-50 if you really want to know. Buy a lottery ticket!

Birthdays: My friends, Nancy, Patricia and Will - Happy Birthday all -19XX, Jenny Lind, soprano 1820, George Westinghouse, inventor 1846, Carole Lombard, actress 1908, Thor Heyerdahl, explorer and anthropologist 1914, Amy Jo Johnson, actor 1970, Rebecca Lobo, basketball player 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship. His new bride asked lovingly, "What is it?"

He said, "I'm a golf fanatic. I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."

Her husband said, "No problem, just widen your stance a little, overlap your grip and that should clear it right up."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" With a seductive smile the woman purred, "Yes."

Her husband replied. "Thank God! For a moment there, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on speaking of neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth. The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I play golf on the other days, so she'll have to take the bus."

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot shook his head and in true pilot fashion said. "And to think that all these years I've just been chewing gum."

That's it for today, my little hush puppies. Remember, try to become more reflective in life. Ponder about the "big" questions. What is life, why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

What's In A Name, Rumplestiltskin?

Yesterday, I heard the phrase, "that's Jake with me" used in a movie and I wondered who the hell is Jake and why should I care. Jimmy cracks corn and I don't care either.  This, of course prompted my feeble little mind to delve into some of the other phrases I've heard over the years.

One of the phrases I've often heard is, "He's a regular Joe." Since one of my best friends is named Joe, I began to wonder if he was a "regular Joe." What, if after all these years, I come to find out that he's an "irregular Joe?"

Furthermore, what does regular pertain to? Coat size, bowel movement....Oh God, manhood?" The thought begins to creep me out. I think I'll just assume that my pal, Joe, is a "regular Joe" and leave it at that!

There's the well known and seemingly prompt, "Johnny on the spot." What spot? And if I find the "spot" and Johnny leaves that spot, does his name change? I know that some places referred to as "Johnny on the spot" allow you to relieve yourself in times of need. Is that the same Johnny? I've also heard that same receptacle referred to as John. So, do you go to the John or to the Johnny on the spot? I thought Spot was the dog.....this is so confusing.

Then there's Peter and Paul. I always felt sorry for Peter because he was consistently being robbed and Paul always came into new found money every time Peter was robbed. At first, I thought maybe Luly robbed Peter, but she claimed she was with Paul. So, why would people rob Peter? Is it to pay Paul over some stupid bet? I don't think that's right!

Yet, Peter and Paul seem to be doing well with their chocolate candy Mounds company and word has it that they're not bad musicians either, moonlighting in the local bars with some chick named Mary. Most people who have seen Peter and Paul perform with Mary have also wondered why Peter was always robbed when he wasn't with Paul. Hmm.....

For the love of Pete, you'd think that someone living the life of Riley would understand that things are always not Hunky Dory. The fact is that not everyone sees the forest for the trees.

I've tried to explain this fact to my Mexican friend, Manuel Labor, many times but he's always too busy asking his friend, "Jose, can you see." Funny thing, every time Manuel asks that question to Jose, everyone stands up, removes their hats and places their hands over their hearts.

I don't always understand why these things happen and I'm not naive. I spend a lot of time socializing in AREA 51 and I hear and see these things happen all the time.

The other day at the bar, some woman was complaining to her girlfriend about something. I didn't hear all of the conversation, but I think it was something about Disney World because she mentioned that someone tried to slip her a Mickey. She said when she went to her room, somebody tried to Jimmy her lock. It wasn't me. I was cracking corn......

Pelosi Takes Issue With The Term "Illegal Aliens During Wednesday Press Conference.

Reacting to a question from a reporter about whether Obama’s planned executive actions should also deal with Iraqis living illegally in the United States, Pelosi corrected the reporter who used the term "illegal aliens."

Pelosi questioned, " Are you referring to undocumented people who are in the United States?" The reporter responded, "Illegal aliens, yes ma’am." Pelosi said again. "Undocumented people, OK."

How did this moron ever get elected?

The News As I See It: After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned. She said she'll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open, literally. Pierson’s being replaced by the White House’s new state-of-the-art security system — a scarecrow.

The Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary. They maintain they can use lethal force to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch.

In California, Governor Jerry Brown signed the first state-wide ban on single-use plastic bags at grocery and convenience stores. I think it's very interesting that a guy named Brown is forcing us to buy paper bags.

This Date In History: 1226; St. Francis of Assisi, founder of the Franciscan order, died. 1863 President Lincoln declared the last Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day. 1922; Rebecca L. Felton became the first woman U.S. Senator when she was appointed to serve out the term of Senator Thomas E. Watson.

1929; The Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes formally changed its name to the Kingdom of Yugoslavia. 1955; Captain Kangaroo and The Mickey Mouse Club premiered on television.

1974; Frank Robinson was named the first Black manager in major league baseball. 1990; East Germany and West Germany united to become Germany, 45 years after being split into two countries at the end of World War II.

Picture Of The Day: The infamous Betty Boop. This one's for my sister-in-law Regi.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera. When he takes a picture, the camera goes "Crick". 2) I met her in a revolving door and I've been going around with her ever since. 3) Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today. 4) I tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again. I gotta quit drinking while I'm cooking. 5) I am the man of the house and what I say to her goes.....in one ear and out the other......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 3rd: Fridays are great and you've got a job. That's what's important. It will get even better! The Bachelor of Arts degree you have will move you from the deep fryer to MacDonalds manager soon. Chances of romance are 91.5 percent.

Birthdays: My friend, Ronnie - Happy Birthday 19XX, John Ross, Native American chief 1790, Pierre Bonnard, painter and illustrator 1867, Thomas Wolfe, American novelist 1900, James Herriot, writer 1916, Gore Vidal, writer 1925, Dave Winfield, baseball player 1951, Stevie Ray Vaughan, blues musician 1954, Tommy Lee, rock musician 1962, Clive Owen, actor 1964, Gwen Stefani, singer 1969, Neve Campbell, actress 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

A sailor said to Captain Jack as he saluted, "Skipper, a special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here." Captain Jack ordered, "Read it to me!"

The sailor began reading nervously, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy." Captain Jack responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks, "You wanna Kung pao chicken wif broccori?"

A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!".

Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!".

That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.......Mark!

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. The mother mouse to her baby, "See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, political correctness is expanding. Now you have to refer to blondes with limited intelligence as a light-haired detour off the information superhighway. Fridays mean a trip to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Looking Back To Good Times At The Drive-In Movies

I miss the drive-in movies. As for dating, it was probably the best venue for, ah,.....getting to know each other. Granted, amenities like air-conditioning and a better P.A. system in theaters greatly enhance one's viewing pleasure, but the intimacy for couples and even families are irreplaceable.

Back in the day, the only places where you could go on a date were the local dances, the skating rink or the drive-in movies. Of course, afterwards it was a given that everyone would head over to the local burger hangout for food and socializing.

My fondest memories, however, take me back to date night and the drive-in movies. Although I preferred just my date and I to be by ourselves, many a night there were a lot of friends parked along side. This was sometimes a bit imposing, but in those days, you played the hand you were dealt.

When we didn't have dates, we would pack a car with 5 or 6 guys, stopping a block or two short of the venue, and cramming as many guys into the trunk of the car as possible. We always had fun, date or no date.

My earliest memories of the drive-in was when we went with mom and dad and we would sit on the front fenders and watch the movie. The funny thing is that I can not recall the name of one movie I saw with my parents, but I remember always having fun.

Yeah, I miss the drive-in movies. No cell phones, no loud talking, no thugs and plenty of corn dogs!

The News As I See It: Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a baby girl named Charlotte last Friday. She's already said her first word: "Iowa." The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056.

Microsoft has announced it's going to open its first flagship store in Manhattan. The store is expected to be just like the Apple Store, but without all of those pesky lines in front.

Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps is in trouble. He was arrested for his second DUI. Because he is an athlete who is repeatedly in trouble with the law, today he was made an honorary member of the NFL.

This Date In History: 1800; Spain ceded Louisiana to France in the secret Treaty of San Ildefonso. 1908; Henry Ford introduced the first mass-produced automobile on the market—the Model T car to the market. Each car cost $825.

1936; General Francisco Franco became head of the insurgent Spanish government. 1961; Roger Maris of the New York Yankees hit his 61st home run of the season, breaking Babe Ruth's record of 60 set in 1927. 1971; Walt Disney World opened in Orlando, Florida.

Picture Of The Day: I look back with fond memories of going to the drive-in movies with my brother and sister and especially mom and dad.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend's dad is Jamaican and his mom is Iranian, which means that he spends most of his family holidays in Customs. 2) I rarely worry where the subject matter will come from for my next journal entry. Deep down, I know I can always rely on a politician shooting himself in the foot.

3) During my first marriage, our clergyman advised us to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife still got pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. 4) The one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that a chicken is food, not a roommate.

5) My friend and I were discussing trends on sex, marriage, and values. My friend said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I said, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 1st: Write lots of letters today and you'll appreciate the finer art of stamp licking. Take everything you've got and run like the wind. Sure, it's Wednesday and notoriously boring, but if you interject your style, maybe you can change that stigma. On second thought, have a few beers and chill and let opportunity come to you. Chance of romance is .337 percent.

Birthdays: William Edward Boeing, aircraft manufacturer 1881, Vladimir Horowitz, pianist 1904, Walter Matthau, actor 1920, James Carter, Jr., 39th President of the United States, 1924, William Rehnquist, Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court 1924, Tom Bosley, actor 1927, Julie Andrews, actress 1935, Randy Quaid, actor 1950, Mark McGwire, baseball player 1963.

Recognize these?

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The owner of small business was confused about how much he should pay for an invoice, which included a volume discount. So he decided to ask his blonde secretary.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college, and I need some help. If I were to give you $7,525 minus 12.5% for a discount, how much would you take off?" She paused briefly and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A woman was in a coffee shop when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she started to feel better.

As she finished her coffee that she noticed that everybody was staring at her. It was then that she remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have that new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man says, "Yeah that's the one, I'll take a copy please."

That's it for today, my little billy goats. Remember, horseshoes usually bring good luck, but never trust a horse that wears high heels. I'm going to slide on over to AREA 51 for happy hour and maybe a little karaoke.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !