Monday, November 23, 2009

After My Weekend, A Mundane Monday Is Quite Welcome !

It was one hell of a weekend and one of the rare times that I am looking forward to a mundane Monday. Between AREA 51, the football games and the Nascar Sprint Cup Championship, my get up and go, got up and left sometime Sunday evening. I can't tell you exactly what time this occurred but the last thing I remember was watching the Sunday night football game in my recliner.

I came out of my coma sometime early this morning to the irritating sound of an infomercial with some idiot trying to sell some kind of ridiculous "ergonomic" plastic seat. People who actually believe and buy this garbage deserve exactly what they get. I frantically searched the nooks and crannys of my recliner to find the remote and changed the channel, only to make the switch to a Billy Mays commercial for that stupid car speaker thing for cell phones. Elvis sightings notwithstanding, Billy Mays has the rising from the grave thing down pat......

Even though I had slept in my recliner, I felt rather refreshed and once I got the taste of those infomercials out of my mouth, I decided that I walk down to the lake close to where I live and watch the sunrise. With amazing morning clarity, I remembered that the new memory disc for my new digital camera had arrived on Saturday, so I decided that I'd open the plastic package, install it in the camera and take pictures of the sunrise.

The arrival of the larger memory disc coincided with my ongoing education of how to operate the damned camera. I have progressed past only being able to turn the camera on and I now know how to take a picture and then download it into my computer. Of course, it does a lot more than that and occasionally, it just decides to take pictures by itself. I have resolved that problem by turning it off every time it gets cocky. It's a learning process.

The one thing I didn't take into consideration was getting the memory chip out of the plastic. There were several possible little seams that I thought would be the key to removing the chip from the plastic, but with no results. After using most of the profanity that I usually reserve for driving in bumper to bumper traffic on the expressway, I finally took a long serrated kitchen knife and sawed the damned thing open.

After applying two or three band-aids to my fingers and wiping up most of the blood, I installed the new chip into the camera. By that time the sun had been up for about 45 minutes, so I walked outside my residence and took photographs of a dog taking a morning dump in the swale area next to the street. I have come to the conclusion that the manufacturers who package products in plastic so thick that scissors won't even dent it should receive all the monies they earn in the same damned plastic packaging. This way, when they try to get their money out, they can suffer just like the rest of us.....

The News As I See It: President Obie, in a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. In an interview, Joe Biden said, "I didn't even know I did anything wrong." Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people."

Kelloggs announced there will be a severe shortage of Eggo Frozen Waffles until next summer because of a flood at one of their factories. A spokesman for the company said, "Sorry, but for the time being, you’re just gonna have to Leggo." Joe Biden recently celebrated his 67th birthday. Biden didn't blow out the candles on his birthday cake, he just talked until the candles decide to put themselves out.

President Obie said he "probably won't" read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Former President Dubya said he "probably won't" read Sarah Palin's book because . . . it's a book.

And finally, economists say that U.S. and world economy has drastically effected many African nations. A large number of Somalia pirates have been laid off due to improved weaponry on ships at sea which has forced the pirates to return to their old, less lucrative jobs, of plundering and looting. Many Nigerian scammers can no longer afford electricity in their shacks and are being forced to go to the local libraries to email their scam letters to America.

This Date In History: 1889; The first jukebox was installed at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. 1936; First issue of Life magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret Bourke-White, featured the Fort Peck Dam. 1945; U.S. wartime food rationing, of meat, butter, and other foods, ended. 1971; People's Republic of China was seated at the UN Security Council. 2003;
Eduard Shevardnadze resigned as president of Georgia.

Picture Of The Day: Aesop's got nothing on me today as fables and fairy tales are the theme of the day. Of course, my warped mind forces me to alter these tales and fables a bit to bring them more current with life today as we know it.

Let's see how many of these pictures you can associate with the fables and fairy tales of childhood. I'll give you a hint on one of the pictures. "Hey Diddle Diddle....."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The economy is getting really bad. The other day the bank returned one of my checks marked "Insufficient Funds." I called them and asked if they meant me or them. 2) A friend of mine was telling me that he came from a perfectly normal family. I asked him if his parents had 2.5 children. 3) Have you have heard of that famous chicken rancher, Buck Buck Buckaw? 4) Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 5) I made a list of things to do, and then I checked them off as I didn't do them.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John Wallis, mathematician 1616, Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States 1804, William H. Bonney, outlaw A.K.A. Billie The Kid 1859, Manuel de Falla, composer 1876, Boris Karloff, actor 1887, Miley Cyrus, actress 1992.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A 70 year old man was fishing in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up".

The old man picked up the frog. The frog said, "Now, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride. I will make mad passionate love to you every day for hours on end."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus, the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby." The woman, deeply hurt, just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong, you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

The man said, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him. The woman said, "You're right sir! I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it just died in traffic. After the mechanic works on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. The blonde says, "It sounds great! What's did you do to fix it?" The mechanic replies, "It was nothing, just crap in the carburetor," She asks, "How often do you have to do that?"

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

That's it for today my little rubber baby buggy bumpers. Remember, hiking in the woods, without bringing food, is no picnic. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


natalie said...

dear Jimmy,
Happy Thanksgiving!
hey I love this entry!
those new cameras are something else huh? My favorite part was where you mentioned trying tog et the chip out! ren't those chips tiny?!!!!eckkkkkk!
p.s. I love your Hey Diddle Diddle!

Tabby said...

Hi Jimmy,

You had me cracking up again :) I hate those dang plastic stuff I have suffered many bloody fingers myself. I even think they make a tool to open those stupid plastic things...I saw it on an infomercial..hee hee

Paula said...

I'm glad to know you men have trouble opening plastic too. I've used some choice words at times too.

Senorita said...

I can NOT believe that Billy Mays is still on TV. What the hell is up with that ?

I also hate that plastic packaging.

salemslot9 said...

...the cat and the fiddle
hi Possum!

Julie said...

Now the ads on your site are for tv infomercials, Don't ya just love it. Can't wait to see the photos you do take when you figure it out.

A Middle Aged Mom said...

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Pamela said...

Hi Jimmy! You always make me laugh! I hope you have a good holiday. Loved the jokes, too!