Monday, November 30, 2009

Looks Like She's Got A Tiger By The Tail

Another one of life's pieces of shit assassinated four innocent Lakewood, Washington Police officers as they sat working on their laptops in a coffee shop. One of those officers fought with the gunman and may have wounded him before the officer died just outside the doorway.

Police are searching for 37 year old Maurice Clemmons, a "person of interest" with an extensive criminal past and whose 95-year prison sentence was commuted in Arkansas by then-governor Mike Huckabee nearly a decade ago. Hopefully, with a little bit of luck, they'll kill the son-of-a-bitch before he gets to court!

The News As I See It: Tiger Woods' injuries in his Friday 2:00 am car crash were caused by his wife, not the accident, according to Woods' wife confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. According to reports, things got heated up and Wood's face was scratched by his wife.

Wood's beat a hasty retreated followed by his wife who was wielding a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club. Woods became "distracted," thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree. Funny, in golf, I always thought that making a hole-in-one was pretty good feat, but evidently not when it belongs to another woman.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the celebrity wannabees who crashed the Whitehouse gala for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Tuesday, may (and should) face criminal charges for their actions. Now asking six-figure dollars for interviews, their actions are not funny and could have been catastrophic should they have been part of a conspiracy to assassinate President Obama.

Tareq Salahi is the son of a Muslim born in Palestine, just like the Fort Hood Shooter, Major Nidal Hasan. Salahi is a board member of the American Task Force on Palestine (ATFP), a pro-Palestine lobby demanding the "right of return" for all Palestinian refugees and their descendants. Since the party crashing incident, ATFP has removed Tareq Salahi from its website's board of directors page.

This is just another good reason for America to quit worrying about being politically correct and profile any and all persons deemed to be a threat to America and its' citizens!

And finally, after watching the news video of habitual war protester Cindy Sheehan in California this weekend, I have a come to the conclusion that she is a complete asshole.

This Date In History: 1804; Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase was tried for political bias. 1900; Irish author Oscar Wilde died in Paris at age 46. 1940; Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were married. 1966; Barbados became independent of Great Britain.

1974; The fossilized remains of a female human ancestor named Lucy (after the Beatles song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds) were found in Ethiopia. 1993; The Brady Bill, requiring a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases, is signed.

1995; President Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to visit Northern Ireland. 2004; Ken Jennings ended his 74-game winning spree on the game show, Jeopardy!

Picture Of The Day: You know you're wildly successful and popular when the photoshop gang has your pictures floating all over the Internet less than an hour after you screw up. Tiger Woods' latest incident has the media drooling at the mouth and I have to admit that it strikes me quite funny as well.

I don't know about women, but there's not a man walking among us that has not had some sort of incident or mishap after a tiff with a woman. I don't think it's as big of a deal as the media is paints it, but when you're Tiger Woods, even a bowel movement is news. The only unfortunate thing about gossip is that it sometimes overshadows more important and newsworthy occurrences.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. 2) One of the good things about experience is that it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 3) Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 4) I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and the ice really chilled the mood. 5) The one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that chicken is food, not a roommate.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Jonathan Swift author 1667, Mark Twain writer, social observer 1835, Winston Churchill, British Statesman, Soldier, and Author 1874, L. M. Montgomery novelist 1874, Gordon Parks photographer, filmmaker, writer 1912, Shirley Chisholm congresswoman 1924, Dick Clark TV personality 1929, Ridley Scott filmmaker 1937, David Mamet playwright 1947, Ben Stiller actor, director, comic 1965, Elisha Cuthbert actor 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

I think the death panels are back. My grandma needed a mobility scooter, and Medicare offered her an electric chair.

The state dinner at the White House honored the prime minister of India, and the menu was vegetarian. How do you like that for Thanksgiving? No turkey, wrong Indians.

Stop screwing with old people! Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter and hires a caterer, a band, and a clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time, but the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.

She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I don't know. Let me ask him. "Hey Willie! Would you chop off another toe for $50?"

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads, "Go get help." She says, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that shoe and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" A drunk sitting nearby looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I think it's too late, lady, he's too far in."

That's it for today my little kiddie cats. Remember, If your wondering how to tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine, it's the one with bite marks on the cap! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Anonymous said...

Note that Jimmy Johnson is never hurt when golfing.

Rose said...

The Tiger Woods graphics are a hoot! What graphic site do you find them in? I'm a member to three graqphic sites and you find some beauties! Great stuff

And I just love the Printable Things I Never Told You!

Great post....

Hugs, Rose

Linda's World said...

another great entry. I'm really sick of all the Tiger Woods stuff in the media~who cares if he talks to the police or not. Have a good week...Linda still very sad in Lakewood, WA

Heli gunner Tom said...

I am with Linda-- I got bigger fish to fry without thinking about some golf bum... sorry.

tom S

Paula said...

Thanks for a good laugh. Slinkys are relaxing doncha think?

Pamela said...

Thank you for the morning laugh Jimmy! The graphics are funny! Hope you have a good day!

Joann said...

Oh, how I've missed reading your blog!! You got me laughing again!! LOL!!