Friday, November 20, 2009

It's A Nascar Racing Weekend Here In Miami At Homestead-Miami Speedway

Miami is abuzz this weekend as Nascar comes to Miami for the final races of the season. Homestead-Miami Speedway will be awash with racing fans as Jimmie Johnson attempts to win an unprecedented fourth consecutive Sprint Cup championship. Johnson leads second place Mark Martin by 105 points and can clinch the championship by finishing 25th place or better.

There are many other drivers who could care less about the fate of Johnson and Martin. This is the last race of the season and all of the drivers will be throwing caution to the wind and looking to put their cars in Victory Lane. Dale Earnhardt Jr., Jeff Gordon, Kyle and Kurt Busch, Tony Stewart and the up and coming Miami resident Juan Pablo Montoya all have the necessary talent and speed to win Sunday's race, which will be broadcast on ABC starting at 2:30 pm (EST).

The Nationwide Series championship is all but sewn up as points leader Kyle Busch needs only to start the race to secure the championship. Saturday's race will begin at 4:30 pm (EST) and can be seen on ESPN2. The race weekend kicks off this evening with the Camping World Truck Series race beginning at 7:30 pm (EST) and televised on the Speed Channel.

The News As I See It: Prez Obie took a tour of the Great Wall of China and he said it was "magical." Two years ago, former Prez Georgie "Dubya" Bush stood at the exact same spot and said, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." The Great Wall is 4,000 miles long, and was built to stop foreign invaders. Maybe we can get the Chinese to build us one on the U.S. - Mexico border.

The United States postal service announced last week that they’ve lost $3.8 billion dollars last year. Here's an idea — let's put the government in charge of healthcare. The No. 1 movie at the box office this week is the end-of-the-world action film, "2012." In the movie, California is crumbling, America is in shambles, and people are forced to abandon their homes. It should have been called "2009."

NBC’s Green Week is being celebrated at Rockefeller Center in New York City. What better way to celebrate than by ripping a giant tree out of the ground, covering it with lights, and leaving them on for a month? Somali pirates attacked the same American ship they attacked this summer — but this time the ship drove the pirates off with a high-decibel noise-making device. The specific noise they used to repel the pirates? The "Free Credit Report dot com" song.

And finally, In 1973, Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, "I am not a crook." That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. Now it's just part of the job.

This Date In History: 1789; New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights. 1910; Francisco Madero began an armed revolt against the president of Mexico Porfirio Diaz. 1945; The war crimes trials of 24 German World War II leaders began in Nurember, Germany.

1947; The future Queen Elizabeth II married Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Ediburgh. 1962; President John F. Kennedy agreed to lift the American blockade of Cuba, ending the Cuban missile crisis. 1975; Spain's General Francisco Franco died. 2000; Peru's president Alberto Fujimori resigned.

Picture Of The Day: The final race of the Nascar Sprint Cup season is on Sunday and a weekend of championship racing is on tap. Although it looks like Jimmie Johnson is on his way to a fourth championship, my sentimental choice for the race is Mark Martin, a true racing champion. I would also hope to see Dale Earnhardt Jr and Miami resident Juan Pablo Montoya do well in the race. We'll see.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Last winter in Miami was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Old Timer's disease. 2) By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane. 3) An adult is someone who can legally run with scissors, but doesn't have the energy. 4) I know an older couple that are a little rough on each other in bed. Their motto is "Violence is golden." 5) You can say what you want about Oedipus but at least he loved his mother.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My Pal, Tamara, whose birthday is tomorrow. Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, Kenesaw Mountain Landis, jurist and commissioner of baseball 1866, Norman M. Thomas, socialist leader 1884, Edwin Hubble, astronomer 1889, Alexandra Danilova, ballerina, teacher 1903,

Alistair Cooke, journalist, broadcaster 1908, Robert C Byrd, Senator 1917, Nadine Gordimer, writer 1923, Robert F. Kennedy, U.S. Attorney General and senator 1925, Richard Dawson, actor 1932, John Bolton, political figure 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man took his wife to the doctor and was sitting in the waiting room when the doctor came out to see him. He said, "Mr. Goldblatz, I have good news. Your wife is in good health and the only think she needs for her to be better is to have sex on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

Mr. Goldblatz said, "Ok, doctor, if you think that will help. I can bring her here on Wednesdays but Saturdays I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man bought a new Chevy Silverado and returned to the dealer yesterday because he couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. In a demonstration, the salesman said to the radio, "Nelson." The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?'' The salesman said, "Willie!" Instantly, "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then the salesman said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

The man drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time he'd say, "Beethoven," and get beautiful classical music. If I said, "Beatles," he'd get one of their awesome songs.

The next day, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed his new truck, but he swerved in time to avoid him. He yelled, "Asshole!". Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

Authors Note: You may change the punchline of the above joke and replace it with any deserving Democratic or Republican leader.

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well no." The angry man continued, "What if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk said, "Well, I probably wouldn't."

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?' The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" The little boy said, "No, I don't."

The teacher said, "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

That's it for today my little kidney beans. Remember, one of the good things about not being famous is that you have to do something really, really stupid to make the news. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. I don't think that will make the headlines. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Myra said...

NASCAR was in Phoenix last weekend...right up the road. Tickets were outrageously expensive, its loud, stinky, and too many people! I thought this was a recession! Good luck getting around! Drive like a NASCAR driver!

Rose said...

I'm not much into race car driving.........yes, it is too noisy and breathing in those fumes is like smoking two carton of cigarettes!

Hugs, Rose
P.S. Your neck of the woods is going to be super crowded this weekend. Have fun and be careful.

Martha (Menagerie) said...

You are always just too funny Jimmy! Thanks for always making me literally laugh out loud when I read your entries!