It's Friday The 13th - Will Jason Be At AREA 51?

I'm not a superstitious man, but today is Friday the 13th. While the fear of Friday the 13th is often referred as Triskaidekaphobia (which is fear of the number 13), the correct word is Paraskevidekatriaphobia (Fear of Friday the 13th). If the length of those words scares you, you have Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - Fear of long words. Personally, I occasionally have Stultophobia, which is fear of stupid people who invent phobias. Stultophobia is also known as Dumbassophobia.

I really don't change my routine too much on Friday the 13th, but I also leave a sleeping dog lie, if you get my drift.

I did have some bad luck a few years ago on Friday the 13th. My girlfriend stopped by and wanted to go to Happy Hour in AREA 51. Since my car was being repaired, we took her car. She wanted to go to a new place that was out in the country because her girlfriend told her the place was nice and they had a free buffet for Happy Hour.

We were driving down the road and all of a sudden, this little bunny went racing across the road, in front of the car. My girlfriend swerved and I heard an awful "thump." My girlfriend cried, "I hit it!, I hit it!" She stopped the car and we ran back to the little bunny who was lying motionless on the road. I didn't see any blood on it, but it wasn't moving.

My girlfriend was crying hysterically and I had a lump in my throat. I really didn't know what to do and, to make matters worse, a car pulled over behind us. A Nun got out of the car, saw my sobbing girlfriend and asked what was wrong. I told her that we had hit that little bunny and she said, "Don't worry, I know what to do." I took my girlfriend by the arm and walked her away. I really didn't know what the Nun was going to do, but I was pretty sure I didn't want my girlfriend to see it.

I Looked back and the Nun took a can out of her purse, sprayed the little bunny all over and miraculously, the little bunny came to life. He jumped up, waved his paw and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again, and hopped down the road. I tell you, I was really amazed. I couldn't figure out what the Nun did to save that bunny.

I ran over to her and asked, "What did you spray the bunny with, Holy Water?" The Nun turned the can around so I could read it. It said: "Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare - Adds permanent wave"

.....what?! It could be true..... Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

The News As I See It: Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats yesterday about the health care bill, and he told them to not make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce. Lou Dobbs, the outspoken anti-immigration anchor is leaving CNN. He’ll be replaced by a Mexican guy named Juan who’ll do the job for $5 an hour.

The AMA is urging the federal government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and to do more research. That request came not only from the AMA, but also from KFC. I don't feel real sorry for the three young Americans who were charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Obviously, we all pray for their safe return, but, hiking in Iraq? Who goes hiking in Iraq? What, was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?

The Mayan Calendar predicts that the world will end in 2012 and NASA has been on a campaign to ease people's fears. NASA announced that the movie "2012" is fiction and the Mayan calendar is wrong and there is no mystery planet headed towards Earth that's going destroy it. NASA says the only thing that can really destroy the planet by 2012 would be Countrywide Mortgage, AIG, and Wall Street.

Congressman William Jefferson, who the FBI caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption and prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. The congressman still maintains he did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd. Yeah......Congress!

Obama left for a 10-day trip to Singapore, China, South Korea, and Japan. Meanwhile today, Joe Biden ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner at a Panda Express. Obama said that he would be happy to travel to Copenhagen in December for the Global Climate Conference, if his presence would make a difference. The 2016 Summer Olympic Committee said, "Yeah, that will make a huge difference." The Nobel Peace Price Committee had no comment nor any idea of what was going on.

This Date In History: 1775; U.S. forces, under the command of Gen. Richard Montgomery, captured Montreal during the American Revolution. 1927; The world's first long, mechanically ventilated underwater tunnel, the Holland Tunnel, opened between New York and New Jersey. 1940; Walt Disney's Fantasia debuted.

1942; The minimum draft age was lowered from 21 to 18. 1946; Vincent Schaefer produced artificial snow from a natural cloud for the first time at Mount Greylock in Massachusetts. 1956; The Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on buses.

1982; The Vietnam War Memorial, designed by Maya Lin, was dedicated in Washington, DC. 2001; The Taliban abandoned Afghanistan's capital of Kabul when the Northern Alliance entered the city.

Picture Of The Day: Whether the old "Hee Haw" comedy show song adage, "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all", has any bearing on Friday the 13th is speculative, but my thinking is why take the chance? That said, today's theme is rather obvious, luck comes in two forms, bad and good. I say that there's another form and that is, "thought provoking and humorous", and I hope today's choices are classified in that category.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Has anyone seen this new movie, "The Men Who Stare at Goats?" It's rated "R" here in the U.S., but in the Middle East it's rated "X" for nudity. 2) On Friday the 13th in 1966 a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was accidentally run over by a black hip-hop artist. 3) A rabbit's foot is not lucky. If you don't believe me, ask the rabbit. 4) A rabbit's foot can be lucky sometimes, unless the rabbit sets foot in your garden, in which case he'll probably eat your stringbeans. 5) Horseshoes usually bring good luck today, but never trust a horse that wears high heels.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Saint Augustine, theologian 354, Johann Eck theologian 1486, Robert Louis Stevenson, poet, novelist 1850, Mary Wigman, dancer, choreographer 1886, Whoopi Goldberg, comedienne, actress 1955, Gerard Butler, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old Jewish man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The old man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The old man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. Since the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost.

He roamed the streets for an hour. Finally, he saw a backhoe and its crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He played out his heart and soul. As he played, the workers began to weep. He played "Going Home" and "The Lord is My Shepherd." He closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to his car.

As he drove into the distance, one of the workers saying to another, "Man, I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Marf! Marf!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Marf! Marf!".

That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip....... Marf!

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.

A drunk man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?" The Avon Lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The Drunk replied, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."

That's it for today my little four leaf clovers. Remember, the most common injury in the game of chess is getting your king stuck in your eye, when you doze off. I'm going to AREA 51 and see how many idiots show up as Jason. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !