God Bless The Victims And Families Of The Fort Hood Massacre !

My deepest sympathies go out to the families and friends of the victims of the yesterday's Fort Hood massacre. Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, the asshole who committed this horrible terrorist act, left 13 dead and 30 wounded soldiers in his rampage. He is currently on a ventilator and unconscious in a hospital after being shot four times during the shootings. Soldiers on scene when the shootings began reported that Hasan shouted "God is great" in Arabic before opening fire on his victims. With a little bit of luck, Hasan will soon join Allah.

Officer Kimberly Munley of the Fort Hood Police Department was the person who brought Hasan down and was wounded herself in the process. It is also necessary to recognize the quick actions of the soldiers involved or near the conflict that immediately attended to the wounded, many tearing of their own shirts and t-shirts in attempt to stop the bleeding and apply compression to the wounds of their fallen comrades.

It's amazing that Hasan had no problems accepting a free college education from the US. Army but had problems with the idea of serving his country and fulfilling his military obligations. Hasan was apparently set to deploy soon, and had expressed some anger about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Reportedly, Hasan had hoped Obama would pull troops out of Afghanistan and Iraq and got into frequent arguments with others in the military who supported the wars. Hasan's record wasn't sterling. At Walter Reed, he received a poor performance evaluation, according to an official who spoke on condition of anonymity. While he was an intern, Hasan had some "difficulties" that required counseling and extra supervision, said Dr. Thomas Grieger, who was the training director at the time.

At least six months ago, Hasan came to the attention of law enforcement officials because of Internet postings about suicide bombings and other threats, including posts that equated suicide bombers to soldiers who throw themselves on a grenade to save the lives of their comrades.

The News As I See It: Two people suspected of stealing up to 1,000 pieces of luggage from baggage claim carousels at Phoenix’s airport have been arrested by police who found heaps of the stolen bags strewn throughout their home. Their bail has been set at $30,000, or as Delta Airlines calls it, $30 a bag.

One year ago this week, Barack Obama was elected president. One year later, we're still in Iraq and we're still in Afghanistan, but, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul. Congratulations to New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the purchase of his third term. Bloomberg was limited to just two terms, but he changed the law so he could run again and be in power another four years. Today, Arnold Scharzenegger said, "You can do that?"

Former President Bush is in Japan, and he was met with protesters carrying signs that said, "Arrest Bush" and "Bush is a war criminal." When he saw the signs, Bush said, 'Thanks for making me feel at home. Appreciate it.'" There is a shortage of the swine flu vaccine. Did you ever notice in this country, we never seem to run out of illegal drugs. Maybe we should pay the guys who make crystal meth to start making the swine flu vaccine. In any case, if the government can't get the swine flu vaccine right, just imagine how they'll take care of us under Obamacare.

And finally, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. I guess people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.

This Date In History: 1860; Abraham Lincoln is elected president of the United States 1861; Jefferson Davis is elected president of the Confederate States of America 1869; The first intercollegiate soccer game took place (Rutgers 6, Princeton 4) 1893; Composer Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky died in St. Petersburg, Russia, at age 53 1913; Mohandas Gandhi led a march of miners in South Africa. He was arrested three times in the first four days of the march.

Picture Of The Day: I had some pretty nifty pictures for you today, but due to yesterday's incident at Fort Hood, I thought that a display of flowers would be more appropriate. Todays pictures are dedicated to those victims and their families and friends. God bless our troops!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The Swine Flu has really affected tourism in Florida, especially Disney World. Some parents are avoiding the park because they’re concerned that it's a "Swine Flu Petri dish." I wouldn't worry too much about that. When you pass by the Snow White exhibit, just steer clear of "Sneezy." 2) My friend Garnett got some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said, "remove cap and push up bottom." He says he can barely walk, but whenever he farts, the room smells freakin' awesome.

3) I finally got a new digital camera and as soon as I understand it, I'll be hell on wheels until the novelty wears off. So far, I've learned how to turn it on...4) When blondes have more fun, do they know it? 5) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?....and that's five !

Birthdays: Director Mike Nichols is 78, Actress Sally Field is 63, Pop singer-musician Glenn Frey (The Eagles) is 61, California's first lady Maria Shriver is 54. Actor Ethan Hawke is 39.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

His wife impatiently asks, "Well, what was it?" He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' " She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

My pal, Garnett, is always showing his ass and even some of his readers seem to think he's got a cute ass. Personally, I never thought Garnett had a cute ass until he sent me this picture.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt, and my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. The turkey said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy." The bull said, "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Two carrots were walking down the street one day and they saw two little potatoes standing on the street corner. The first carrot says, "They're prostitutes!" The second carrot says, "How can you tell they're prostitutes?" The first carrot says, "They've got those little stickers on them that says, 'I - DA - HO !'"

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 12! Tampax supersize!"

Somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom asking, "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Murray went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' Murray said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

That's it for today my little lamb chops. Remember, originality is the art of concealing your sources. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and a little carousing. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !