Friday, December 18, 2009

All I Want For Christmas Is.....

The continuing saga of AOhell continues, but with a little bit better twist. I called AOL India once again and got "Technician Ronnie." I really wanted "Technician Bobby" but they said he is now the Governor of Louisiana. "Ronnie" turned out to be fairly up-to-date and gave me a site where I could download AOL 9.1.

I went to the site, downloaded the software and my 9.1 is up and running again. For those of you that are now using the newer 9.5 software and are dissatisfied with it, email me or leave me a message in "comments" and I'll give you the necessary information.

The News As I See It: Tiger Woods continues to dominate the headlines. I'm beginning to think that Tiger's escapades are doing more for the economy than anything that has come from the White House or Congress. Tiger himself has already taken advantage of the cash for clunkers program by getting rid of his crashed, gas guzzling Escalade.

Tiger has been linked to another woman and this one is 48 years old, or as Tiger refers to her, "my senior tour." There has been some good news for Tiger. He was just voted "Athlete of the Decade" by The Associated Press. He’s also been named "Athlete of the Decade" by Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler.

Rapper 50 Cent is saying that Tiger Woods never would have been caught if he had been more "gangster." In response, Tiger said 50 Cent would have never been shot nine times if he had been more "golfer."

President Obozo says that Congress is very close to getting a new healthcare plan but due to compromises it "won’t include everything that everybody wants." For instance, it covers everything except trips to the doctor or the hospital. Earlier this week, at the White House, President Obie met with a group of our nation’s top Wall Street bankers. The meeting went well, though the bankers did charge Obie 25 bucks for not using the ATM out front.

Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, White House gardeners were digging in the back yard yesterday and found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies.

And finally, The annual White House Hanukkah party. It went better than last year when President Bush greeted everyone with, "Happy Harmonica!"

This Date In History: 1737; Violin maker Antonio Stradivari died in Cremona, Italy. 1787; New Jersey became the third state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
1865; Slavery was abolished with the ratification of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution.
1892; Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker Suite" premiered at St. Petersburg's Maryinksy Theatre.

1944; The Supreme Court upheld the wartime internment of Japanese-Americans. 1956; Japan was admitted to the United Nations. 1957; The Shippingport Atomic Power Station in Pennsylvania became the first civilian nuclear facility to generate electricity in the United States.

1969; The British Parliament abolished the death penalty for murder. 2000; George W. Bush received 271 votes in the delayed Electoral College balloting.

Picture Of The Day: In case you're wondering about today's pictures, I'm posting suggestions of gifts that I'd like for Christmas. I have carefully selected these pictures so there's no misunderstandings. I posted the above picture for Santa last year because I wanted Peace on Earth. Santa must be a bit dyslexic because he though I wanted "Peas on Earth."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Giving Viagra to an eighty year old man would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 2) I've often wondered If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? 3) Bigamy is one wife too many but, then again, so is monogamy. 4) I think that health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 5) I hope Santa gets my Christmas gift right this year. Last year, I got a sweater, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Bob C - Happy Birthday ! 19XX, Ty Cobb, baseball player 1886, Edwin Armstrong, engineer and radio inventor 1890, Willy Brandt, political leader 1913, Betty Grable, actress 1916, Ossie Davis, actor, director, screenwriter 1917, Ramsey Clark, attorney general 1927, Keith Richards, musician, songwriter 1943, Steven Spielberg, American Film Director 1946 Ray Liotta, actor 1954, Brad Pitt, actor 1963, Katie Holmes, actress 1978, Christina Aguilera, singer 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A doctor, addressing a large audience in Tampa, said "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

The doctor continued, "There is, however, one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and said, "Wedding Cake."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. The doctor said, "Come now, you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." The woman says, "This one's kind of strange..." The doctor replied, "Let me be the judge of that."

The woman said, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning, I heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies. That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

She went on, "Last night, there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me! I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change."

Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however, you have no nipples." Running Doe replied, "None of the people in my tribe have nipples."

The doctor said, "That's amazing! I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind. First of all, how many people are in your tribe?" Running Doe answered, "Approximately 500." The doctor asked, "And what is the name of your tribe?" Running Doe replied, "We're called 'The Indiannippleless Five Hundred.'"

That's it for today my little Remember, where there's a will, I want to be in it. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and later to a party which I will tell you more about in my next post. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

Wow, another phone call to India but at least this time you got what you needed.

I, too need 9.1 back so I will be emailing you for the necessary info.

Hugs, Rose

garnett109 said...

Habib says thank you

Paula said...

You had me going on the change joke. After reading your blog I'm hungry for some Cracker Jacks.

Senorita said...

Happy Friday !

I've been with AOL for over ten years now and I am still charged for their service. But I haven't had any problems with them so far.

I am sick and tired of Tiger and that it's such a shock that he cheated so much. He's a billionaire and tons of resources to keep him out of the spotlight. Of course this is bound to happen.

natalie said...

dear Jimmy,
thanks ever so much for your comments about Pearl Harbor sweetie!
this is a wonderful, very funny and uplifting entry! Please come back and make comment son what you will be dong or your family coming for Hanukkah and after that for Christmas!
Happy Holidays good friend!

Claudia's thoughts said...

Jimmy, you always make me laugh. I also have AOL hell. On my older computer it would only load half a page and then had all kinds of trouble. I had to go into the bowels of the C drive and eliminate the files. I just can not put it on that computer.

A problem I have been having is with the Microsoft updates. I had it to download and install them and that caused problems too. I check the options to download and install myself and what I found were updates for thing I did not have installed. Explorer 8 for example. GRRRRRR

Martha@Menagerie said...

Been having lots of AOHell problems here too. I don't know why we are so set in our ways - why don't we just stop using it?
Have a great weekend Jimmy :-)

Julie said...

I don't use AOL for anything but the free mail anymore, to many ads and I am still mad about the journals. Loved the jokes today.

Anne said...

Tiger's "new" one looks older than 48. Do you remember the old Buck Owens song, "I've Got a Tiger By It's Tail?" I'm waiting for the main media to find that song. If I'm not mistaken it's a very old Buck Owens song. Christmas Kisses, Anne............p.s. just arrived in AZ.......nice and warm here.

Pamela said...

Hi Jimmy, you always make me laugh! Have a great Sunday!