Friday, December 4, 2009

I knew Tiger Woods Used His Putter A Lot, But I Had No Idea...

Talk about your major snafu, Tiger Woods must feel like a one legged Indian in an ass kicking contest. Women are coming out of the woodwork with stories about their extra-marital affairs with him. Woods, typically, likes his women like his golf balls - white and with dimples. Word has it that his wife no longer refers to him as "Tiger." Now, she calls him "Cheetah."

While no one has ever accused Woods of being a Rhodes Scholar, I though he would at least be smart enough to conduct his business intelligently, especially if he was going to make an occasional off-course side trip. Of course, when you're worth one billion dollars. it must make it a little easier to satisfy (read pay) the women in your life. And pay he will....

Authors Note: This is the actual cover of January's Golf Digest. Obviously, it was published before the feces hit the oscillator (that's "the shit hit the fan" for the hard of understanding).

Not only has Woods issued a public apology on his web site, but the The Daily Beast reports that he will pay his wife, Elin Nordegren, $5 million upfront and another $55 million to persuade her to stay in their marriage for another 24 months.

Like many couples with tens of millions of dollars in their bank accounts, Woods and Nordegren have a prenuptial agreement. The pre-nuptial agreement they signed in October 2004 would award Nordegren $20 million just for sticking with Woods for 10 years. But now that allegations of affairs with two women -- Jaimee Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel-- are making headlines, it looks like that contract is being tossed out the window and the couple are negotiating new, more lucrative terms for Nordegren.

For now, all of his sponsors are sticking with him. Sponsorship deals with Nike, Accenture, AT&T, Gatorade, and Procter & Gamble's Gillette pay him at least $100 million a year The jury is still out on whether they would view a serial adulterer as a good image for their products and services over the longer term.

The News As I See It: President Obozo's speech at West Point was not well received by the media. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security. Right in the middle of Obie's speech, they cut to a cadet who was sleeping. That cadet was immediately assigned to work security at the next White House state dinner.

The Tiger Woods story has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier this week, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs. Chelsea Clinton will marry her longtime boyfriend, investment banker Marc Mezvinsky. She must really love him, because Chelsea Mezvinsky doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.

Twilight Moms and Grandmoms now number more than 28,000. It seems as if Kellan Lutz, the actor who plays Emmett Cullen has been a magnet for young and older female fans, alike. He revealed, "It has been strange, not because of the attention, which is of course flattering, but because of the age ranges. It's from young teenagers all the way to their 40-year-old mothers!

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington delivered his farewell address to his officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York City. 1816; James Monroe of Virginia was elected (by electors) the fifth president of the United States. 1875; William Marcy "Boss" Tweed of New York's Tammany Hall escaped from jail and fled the country. 1945; The Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations.

1978; Dianne Feinstein became San Francisco's first female mayor. 1991; Associated Press correspondent Terry Anderson is released after seven years as a hostage in Lebanon. 1993; Rock musician and composer Frank Zappa died at age 52. 2003; Interpol put the former president of Liberia, Charles Taylor, on its most-wanted list.

Picture Of The Day: Forgive me, but I just can't resist showing you all of the new photoshop pictures of Tiger Woods.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a golf ball is that Tiger Woods can’t drive an Escalade 300 yards. 2) When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know the number of months. "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese and I didn't really care in the first place. 3) Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back! 4) If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you 5) There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Johnnie Walker Black scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water....and that's five !

Birthdays: Lillian Russell, soprano 1861, Edith Cavell, nurse 1861, Rainer Maria Rilke, poet 1875, Francisco Franco, Spanish general and leader 1892, Dennis Wilson, pop musician 1944, Jeff Bridges, actor 1949, Tyra Banks, model 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two Louisiana men walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the men looks at her and says, "Can ya swallow?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Can ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The man walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the man walks slowly back to his table. His buddy says, 'Ya know, I've heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver" but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

A porpoise trainer discovered that feeding seagulls to his porpoises will make them live forever. He went for a walk along the beach and grabbed two seagulls and brought them to the porpoises. As he arrived, he saw, sound asleep in his doorway, an old stodgy lion.

He had to step across the lion, carrying the seagulls to feed to the porpoises so that they could live forever. As he did, police surrounded and arrested him. Of course the charge was transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

So, Sy Syms has died. The obituary said he was 83. In five days, he’ll be 77. In two weeks, he'll be 65. Then, in a month, he will be marked final at 59.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Linda from Washington, for her contribution to today's stories.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?". Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico."

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! The reason you don't talk to people for 25 years is because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

That's it for today my little golf carts. Remember, a fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and I might stay longer if there are any Twilight Moms on the prowl. Have a great weekend and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

Tiger really has his "tail" in it doesn't he? He's dumber than a box of golf balls in my book. Have a marvy weekend...Linda in 34* western Washington

garnett109 said...

I bet there is a book in it for him

Senorita said...

Happy Friday !

I'm schocked that people are suprised at his cheating ways.

What I don't understand, is why he cheated with a reality TV star that isn't even that hot.

Paula said... is the biggest rip-off there is.

Martha@Menagerie said...

Have a great weekend Jimmy! I'm right there with you at Area 51! :-)

Rose said...

I'm disappointed in Tiger but not totally shocked. I thought he had it together and was smarter than that..........He gave his wife a terrible Xmas present.


Hugs, Rose

Lin said...

I don't really care about the Tiger Woods story, but it's kind of like a train wreck, you have to watch. It gets more interesting every day. Not surprised, although some thought him to be "squeaky clean".
The only thing I wonder is why they want to stay married. She will get a big hunk of dough either way, so why stay together? And what's in it for him, that marriage is a sham. I just don't get it.
Have a great weekend Jimmy!