Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm Making My Plans For The New Years Eve Party - Step One: Gather Breadcrumbs !

I'm in the process of outlining my New Years Eve schedule, knowing full well that it will probably change. Like the puppy who rolls over on his back and shows you his belly when you pet him, I'm easily swayed once the evening begins. Ostensibly, I'll be heading to AREA 51 for the New Years Eve party but I my ship has changed course many times in the past and there's no reason to assume it wont happen again.

Although it's rare, there have been some party nights that I ended up flying to the Bahamas on a whim and on another occasion, I woke up in a suite in Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. How we ended up in Vegas is still a little vague, but I was assured by my lady friend that I had a great time.

Of course, I was a little younger then and in those days, my body and mind worked as a team. Nowadays, my mind occasionally has a great idea but my body sometimes refuses to comply. When my mind sends a command to the get up and go center, it finds that the department head has got up and went.

Nevertheless, my body and mind still occasionally work together and I'm looking forward to New Years Eve.

The News As I See It: My guess is that Tiger Woods is ecstatic that the world's attention is on Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the bumbling underwear bomber. In a way it's a similar story as Tiger's underwear is still smoldering as well.

This Date In History: 1853; The United States bought some 45,000 sq mi of land from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase. 1911; Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China. 1922; The Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics was established through the confederation of Russia, Byelorussia, Ukraine, and Transcaucasian Federation.

1940; California's first freeway opened. 1972; President Nixon halted the heavy bombing on North Vietnam. 1993; Israel and the Vatican signed an agreement of mutual recognition to put an end to Jewish-Christian hostilities.

Picture Of The Day: It's drawing close to the New Year 2010 and I'd like to wish all of my family, friends and readers a very happy and prosperous new year. As I put the finishing touches on today's entry, I can't help remembering all the good times and fun I've had over many past new year's eves. Hell, the only real regret I have is that if I'd have known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I were to ever work as a grocery store cashier at the 10 items or less lane, the first thing I would say to that shopper who always has more than items than allowed, "Which 10 items would you like to purchase?" 2) I wonder what happens if you get scared half to death twice? 3) Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 4) Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks 5) You read about the Nigerian Underwear Bomber and other terrorists. Most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster. You are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.....and that's five !

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a "drop off" and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.

Birthdays: Rudyard Kipling, British Author 1865, Alfred E. Smith, political leader 1873, Paul Bowles, writer and composer 1910, Jack Lord, actor 1920, Bo Diddley, singer, guitarist, and songwriter 1928, Sandy Koufax, baseball player 1935, Jeff Lynne, singer and songwriter, and music producer 1947, Tracey Ullman, comedian, actor, singer 1959, Tiger Woods, golfer 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

There were twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to take the pictures of them. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He said we have to sit on the sofa."

The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." Again, the hard of hearing twin asked, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "We have to sit closer together." They wiggled up close to each other. The photographer said, "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." Yet again, the hard of hearing twin said, "What did he say?" Her sister replied, "He says he's going to focus." The hard of hearing twin exclaimed, "Oh my God, both of us?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night patiently waiting for her date. She leaned over in her chair to get her mirror from her purse and accidentally farted quite loudly just as the waiter walked up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and said, "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

A New York attorney stopped by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" The waitress said, "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."

The waitress continued, "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, the attorney says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?"

That's it for today my little peanut butter cups. Remember, snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Have a safe and Happy New Year and more on Friday

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Hope your mind and body form a truce to get you through New Year's eve and please don't focus. Looking forward to another year of your funny jokes.

garnett109 said...

It took me 47 new years to get this far Jimmy.
Happy New Year!

Martha@Menagerie said...

I'm still doing the circle thing with my foot!
Have a safe and happy New Year Jimmy! :-)

Senorita said...

Hope you have a happy and safe new year ! I will be working, so at least I will be getting paid !

salemslot9 said...

see ya next year, Jimmy
you too, Possum

Winivere said...

Happy New Year, Jimmy! Are you sure your real name is not Roger? You remind me of a man I knew long ago.

Rose said...

Happy New Year Darling!

Stay safe in Area 51 or if you should travel further..........


Anne said...

LOVE and New Years smooches! Anne

Linda's World said...

Happy New Year my friend! Linda in WA

Julie said...

Happy New Years Jimmy. Thanks for posting and giving me so many laughs the past year and I look forward to the lastest posts and jokes from you..