Office Christmas parties are always fun and you never know what's going to happen. Novice drinkers, who rarely imbibe throughout the year become boozers for the next three weeks and the results are usually quite funny. From slurred speeches to tipsy karaoke singers, the endless number of humorous incidents are endless. Of course, there's the occasional amorous strays who ofttimes bite off more than they can chew, but they're normally harmless.
The real prizes are the many varieties of foods that you rarely see other than the Christmas season and I'm like a kid at the bakery when I see all those dishes. Roasted pork, honey glazed hams and Christmas turkey and chicken, it's a guaranteed five pound weight gain just looking at the food. Add to that the many side dishes and the delicious deserts and you get an idea of what I have in mind.
Aside from trying to avoid the proverbial 50 pound fruit cake that I'm sure I'll be asked to try, I look forward to the next three weeks of parties and celebrations. The News As I See It: Jenny Sanford, wife of embattled South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, has filed for divorce six months after her husband publicly admitted to having an affair with an Argentine woman. Duh?! What took her so long? Joe Biden is our first vice president with hair plugs. On Earth Day this year, a group of school children in Washington each planted a hair plug in his head. We may have lost Dubya Bush as a source of comic relief, but at least we have Joe. On the "Today Show", Biden once said that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Hey Joe, the subways weren’t safe before swine flu. According to a new poll, 44 percent of Americans wish President "Dubya" Bush were back in office. It’s only 20 percent, however, if you exclude comedy writers. Dubya asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time when he gave his farewell speech to the nation. He used part of the time to list his accomplishments and did yoyo tricks the other 14 minutes.
President Obozo's approval rating hit a new low of 47 percent, according to the latest Gallup poll. But White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that a 6-year-old with a crayon could come up with the same poll results. I bet it’s the same 6-year-old with a crayon that came up with Obamacare and the last budget. President Obie accepted the Nobel Peace Prize this week and, I don’t want to say that Obama worship is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize won the Pulitzer Prize. If the Nobel Prize wasn’t enough, his overall performance just won an Oscar.
It’s not looking good for Tiger Woods. According to a poll today, 88 percent of women have an unfavorable opinion of Tiger Woods. The other 12 percent are cocktail waitresses. Another woman has just emerged who claims she had an affair with Woods. It’s like he cracked open a piñata and the fun never stops. There's a new ad in Sports Illustrated: Pro golfer needs new Caddy. This Date In History: 1816; Indiana became the 19th state. 1844; Nitrous oxide was used for the first time in dentistry. 1936; King Edward VIII abdicated the throne of Britain for the woman he loved, Mrs. Wallis Simpson. 1941; Germany and Italy declared war on the United States.
1946; The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established. 1994; Russian troops invaded Chechnya in an unsuccessful attempt to restore Moscow's power in the region. 1997; Housing secretary Henry Cisneros was indicted for conspiracy, obstructing justice, and false statements to the FBI.
Picture Of The Day: Food.....Party food! I got hungry just gathering these pictures and some of these are quite good. This is office party and holiday party season, so I thought I'd give you a preview of what to look for in the coming weeks.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 2) Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. 3) I think heart attacks are God's revenge for eating his animal friends 4) I'm surprised that Al Sharpton hasn't slammed Tiger Woods for not having black women among his lengthy list of mistresses. 5) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.....and that's five ! Birthdays: Sir David Brewster, physicist and natural philosopher 1781, Louis-Hector Berlioz, composer 1803, Robert Koch, bacteriologist 1843, Annie Jump Cannon, astronomer 1863, Fiorello Henry LaGuardia, mayor of New York City 1882, Naguib Mahfouz, novelist 1911, Carlo Ponti, producer 1912, Aleksandr Isayevich Solzhenitsyn, Russian writer 1918, Willie Mae Thornton, blues singer 1926, John F. Kerry, politician 1943.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Mr. Lipschitz' four children were gathered around his deathbed. As old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.
Mr. Lipschitz stirred, having heard every word his children said. He thought it was time to set the record straight. He said, "Children, I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."
His oldest son was aghast, "You mean we're all bastards?" Mr. Lipschitz said, "Yes, and cheap ones at that!" The Hits Just Keep On Coming:
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, ugly old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother." A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" Her mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made." A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. Her father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" Her mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep, In-laws."
That's it for today my little turtle whisperers. Remember, first you pillage, then you burn. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !