AOL? How About AOhell?

Beside the fact that AOL (America Online) is rapidly going down the porcelain receptacle (that's the "crapper" for the hard of understanding), it serves as a prime example of why American jobs should not be shipped overseas.

Yesterday, a technician from Comcast came to my house to investigate a continuing problem with my cable tv and Internet services. This has been an ongoing problem and, although it sometimes cramps my style, I have been able to live with it. The situation continues to improve.

At the same time, attempting to read my email messages has been a royal pain in the ass. The problem seems to be that AOL, in it's infinite wisdom, chooses to put advertising on everything that moves, including email. At first, it was simple printed advertising with an occasional icon or picture. Lately, it contains detailed graphics, rolling screens and other annoyances.

While I have tried to be patient with their advertising garbage, the emails will not open entirely until the advertisement runs it's course. If, during that period, AOL email is slow (meaning all the time), it takes forever to go through my daily email.

Yesterday, I was so frustrated that I called what AOL likes to call, a "technician." Since AOL seems to only have one or two Caucasians in its entire organization, my call went to......Yep!...India. I was happily greeted by "Bobby" a very nice man whose English sounds like a person with a bad lisp speaking with a handful of marbles in his mouth. You might have heard a similar accent at your local convenience store.

After a series of different attempts to rectify the problem, told me that my program was probably corrupt. Bobby said to uninstall my AOL 9.1 and go to an AOL site where I could download a new 9.1 program. I asked if it would be easier to send me a CD, but he said they didn't make 9.1 CDs. I followed his instructions and lo and behold, the site only had the 9.5 version which has had poor reviews and ranks evenly with Windows Vista as the laughing stock of the software world.

When I angrily called AOL India again and explained my plight, "Technician Mary" apologized and said that the 9.l version was only available on a CD. She said she would mail me a new CD. If their mail is anything like their technical abilities, I'll probably have to call INS to see if any of the "new arrivals" brought a copy with them.

Jimmy's Journal comes to you today via Internet Explorer which I am somewhat familiar with. The one and only reason that I continue to use AOL is that it took me five years to figure our all of the intricacies. I hope today's post comes out as it normally does. We'll see.....

The News As I See It: Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing e-mails from President George W. Bush’s administration. You can tell the e-mails are from the Bush administration because they all begin, "Dear Santa."

Tiger Woods has been given the Associated Press "Athlete of the Decade" Award. I don't know about golf, but he certainly has earned the "Philanderer of the Decade" award! The latest rumor is that Woods is trying to patch things up with his wife by offering to have another baby together. Apparently, Tiger told his wife, "Come on, I’ve been practicing like crazy."

A White House official said the recession is over. Then another White House official said no, it’s definitely not over. And you wonder how those party crashers got in. The White House announced that the Guantanamo Bay detainees will be sent to a prison in Illinois. This really should make up for Chicago not getting the Olympics. It’ll be the first time someone has gone from Cuba to Illinois who didn’t pitch for the Cubs.

Sarah Palin is now saying that global warming is a conspiracy. She doesn’t believe it’s true, even though she can see the polar ice cap melting from her house. Arnold Schwarzenegger is criticizing Sarah Palin for calling global warming "bogus." It’s really confusing. I mean, the last time anyone saw Sarah Palin fighting with the Terminator, was when Arnold was drunk on Halloween.

This Date In History: 1653; Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland. 1773; The Boston Tea Party took place. 1916; Grigori Rasputin assassinated by a group of noble Russian conspirators. 1920; One of the deadliest earthquakes in history hit the Gansu province in China. The 8.6 quake killed 200,000 people.

1944; The Battle of the Bulge during World War II began in Belgium. 1990; Jean-Bertrand Aristide was elected president of Haiti in the country's first democratic elections. 2000; Colin Powell was selected to become the first Black secretary of state

Picture Of The Day: Photoshop pictures of Tiger Woods are fast becoming an industry. The only exception is for the real naked pictures of Tiger which are the subject of a suit in Great Britain.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood. 2) For those of you who remember Roy Rogers: "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" 3) Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. 4) Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are still acting all shocked that a human finger was once found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? 5) I'm getting fed up with grocery shopping. By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be bagging my groceries is standing there eating my Almond Joy....and that's five !

Birthdays: Ludwig van Beethoven, German Composer 1770, Jane Austen novelist 1775, George Santayana, philosopher and poet 1863, Zoltán Kodály, composer 1882, Noel Coward, playwright, composer 1899, Margaret Mead, anthropologist 1901, Arthur C. Clarke, science fiction writer 1917, Benjamin Bratt, actor 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" The cook said, "No, three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

The blonde said, "Oh, ok." She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of Cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.....right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the Cow to be bred?" The blonde said, "That's simple, by the nail over its stall."

The artificial-insemination man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

That's it for today my little lovebugs. Remember, it's always best to forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case. I'm definitely ready for Happy Hour at AREA 51 and assuming I don't cripple any AOL technicians, I'll have more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !