Possum S. Hemmingway, my cat who I have affectionately nicknamed "Shithead", has initiated a coup d'état in an effort to wrest power and thereby overthrow my current government of the tiny nation of Sullivan's Island. I am a bit upset with his tactics and this attempt to take over will be thwarted.
The mere fact that he already lives the life of the proverbial Riley has not seemed to sink in and methinks his feeble attempt will not be successful. The major reason for his revolt is that, of all the possible locations to catnap, he has decided that the place that he likes best is my recliner. Over the years, every man, woman, child and animal in my life soon learned that my recliner is off limits. Would someone dare to sit in Captain Kirk's seat aboard the Starship Enterprise? Is it possible that someone would sit in the driver's seat of the Batmobile? Other than Elton John, who would have the audacity to sit in the Queen of England's royal throne?
Mr. Hemmingway not only is becoming accustomed to sitting in my recliner, he becomes quite miffed if I attempt to share the seat with him. Moreover, he becomes outright incensed when I physically remove him for the recliner.
His ploys do not escape me, however. I am well aware that, as he skulks off under the pretention that his feelings have been hurt, he is already plotting his next move. No sooner than I leave the chair to do something or use the computer, he stealthfully sneaks back and plops his fat ass right back in the chair.
This matter is currently being resolved and I am making this post in anticipation of Mr. Hemmingway's soon to be published statement on his own blog, Possum's Journal. I will keep you aprised as things develop.
The News As I See It: Ten million cans of Slimfast are being recalled over fears of bacterial contamination that could cause diarrhea, nausea and vomiting. Have you ever tasted Slimfast? Bacterial contamination would be a step-up. Some people are saying that it’s ironic that President Obozo accepted the Nobel Peace Prize after committing more troops to a war in Afghanistan. In reality, it's no more ironic than President Clinton signing the Defense of Marriage Act or, for that matter, George Dubya Bush calling himself the “Education President."
This Date In History: 1799; George Washington died at age 67. 1819; Alabama became the 22nd state in the United States. 1911; Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen became the first man to reach the South Pole, beating an expedition led by Robert F. Scott. 1939; The Soviet Union was dropped from the League of Nations.
1967; DNA synthesized for the first time. 1981; Israel formally annexed the Golan Heights. 1985; Wilma Mankiller became the first woman to lead a major American Indian tribe as she took office as principal chief of the Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma. 1989; Nobel Peace laureate Andrei D. Sakharov died in Moscow at age 68. Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures kill two birds with one stone as I show you a few pictures of my cat Possium S. Hemminway taken with my new digital camera. The camera is a Canon A470 and I'm quite pleased with the way it works. There are newer Canon A series available as well,
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My blonde lady friend was worried that her mechanic was trying to rip her off but she was relieved when he told her all she needed was turn signal fluid. 2) Lately, I’ve been experiencing economic déjà vu, the feeling that I’ve been in certain stores before and paid much lower prices! 3) The one good thing about going through foreclosure is that it does get you out of the house. 4) One of the nice things about owning a cat is that a cat will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, "If I died, would you get another cat?" 5) I've become more reflective in life. I have started to ponder about the "big" questions. What is life, why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?.....and that's five !
Birthdays: Nostradamus, French astrologer and physician 1505, James Doolittle, aviator, military leader 1896, Shirley Jackson, writer 1919, Patty Duke actress 1946, Michael Owen, soccer player 1979, Vanessa Anne Hudgens, actor 1988. The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact as many unstable people as you can to show you care. This is why I'm sending my message to you and now, I've done my part and my job is done!
Murray Lipschitz said to his doctor, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor said, "Mr. Lipschitz, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
The doctor took her to the exam room and said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Lipschitz. Now turn all the way around. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside and whispered, "You're in perfect health, Murray, your wife didn't give me an erection either."
An old man says to his doctor, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual, but I seem to have lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctor says, "Good grief! I'd better take a look." The doctor examines the man and says, "It's even worse and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and said, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
The little girl said, "Well, I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher said, "That must have been scary."The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!" One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, the well needed to be covered up anyway and it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He asked all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Moral Of The Story: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
The story, however, continues.....
The next day, the donkey came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer died.
The Tiger Woods Moral Of The Story: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you..... A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying "Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!". The farmer said, "What do you mean?Are they wallowing in the mud?" His wife says, "No, they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
That's it for today my little reign dears. Remember, how long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. More on Wednesday
Stay Tuned !