The Psychiatrist Is In !

I save things. I don't know why, I just do. Maybe it's because money was tight when I was a kid. Looking back at my youth, we were theoretically poor but I didn't realize it. Yet, I had everything I really needed growing up. Yes, there were some kids who always got that new bicycle every year but they never really appreciated it.

Yeah, I save things. Even as an adult, that pack rat mentality still dwells inside of me. When I was married (both times), both wives were constantly on me to get rid of all of my "useless junk." I recall one day in particular when I went to find something I had stowed away and it was gone. When I asked my wife about my things, her response was, "Oh, I threw it out. Did you want that junk?" Uh, yeah. I eventually took both of my wives' advice and got rid of all of my useless things. That's why I'm single......

The problem I have with saving things is that I'm not bright enough to write down where I put them. I always think that I will remember. This thought comes from a man who gets up from the computer, goes to the kitchen and upon arrival, cannot remember why he is in the kitchen.

I spoke yesterday with my pal Victor, who I have known since we were kids. I told him I would send him some old pictures I have of him with Brother Kirt and some of our other pals. After searching for an hour, I could not find the pictures. I think they're probably with the $100 bill I have hidden in my secret hiding place. That's another problem...I forgot where my secret hiding place is.

I think that my tendency to hold on to what I consider "special things" spilled over to my relationship with friends and family. I cherish the times with them, both present and past. Over the years I've been poor and also had money. My true wealth is having wonderful family and friends and, looking back, I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Possum S. Hemmingway has asked me to tell you that he is making a new post this coming Sunday and he'll be sending you an alert. Humor him, if you will. He is the only one that helps me find all the junk I've stowed away.

The News As I See It: According to Us Weekly, Tiger Woods is at a sex rehab facility in Mississippi and his wife Elin is staying nearby at Brett Favre’s ranch. That's another interception for Brett Favre this week. Susan Boyle had a bit of a scare the other night after an intruder broke into her house, which must be terrifying. Imagine walking into a dark living room in the middle of the night and bumping into Susan Boyle.

MSNBC's Chris Mathews, after watching Obama's State of the Union Address, declared he "forgot he was black for an hour." This is the same guy who was so excited during one of Obama's 2008 campaign speeches that he said he felt a "thrill going up my leg." Nancy Pelosi once again reprised her role as the inimitable retarded seal, standing and clapping every time Obama's uttered a rhetorical word in his State of the Union address. Word has it that she'll be asked to assist the trainers at Sea World to teach the lazier seals how to inanely stand, clap and react appropriately when they're thrown a sardine.....

This Date In History: 1802; John Beckley became the first Librarian of Congress. He was paid $2 a day. 1845; Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven was published. 1850; Henry Clay introduced the Compromise of 1850 to the Senate. 1861; Kansas became the 34th state in the United States.

1886; Karl Benz received a patent for the first successful gasoline-driven car. 1936; Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner, Christy Mathewson, and Walter Johnson were the first players elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York. 1963; Poet Robert Frost died in Boston.

Picture Of The Day: Apple's new I-Pad seems to be popular although it seems to me that it's nothing more than an overgrown i-phone. But, wait! There's more! If you buy now, apple will send you these additional items that are pictured today. Just pay additional shipping and handling charges of $499. Hell, if you'll pay $499 for an overgrown i-phone, you'll probably buy the rest of this crap, as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not complaining, but I have no idea how women can wear thongs. 2) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 3) The only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry is when a heroic dog dies to save his master or after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph. 4) Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 5) You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work with a massive hangover, however you may: a) hide the aspirin, 2) turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken -or- 3) have him paged every seven minutes.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Thomas Paine, political theorist and writer 1737, William McKinley, American President 1843, Anton Chekhov, writer 1860, Frederick Delius, composer 1862, John D. Rockefeller, Jr., philanthropist 1874, W. C. Fields, actor 1880, Edward Abbey, writer 1927, Tom Selleck, actor 1945, Oprah Winfrey, TV personality 1954, Greg Louganis, diver 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend." The second guy said "That nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."The third guy said "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house. So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said 'Wear your sweater'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett, Linda, Robin and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, were sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Solomon thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal. If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is baseball l in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" The spirit of Abe says, "Yes it is Sol," Still amazed, Sol asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" Abe says, "Well, I got good news and I got bad news."

Sol says, "Gimme the good news first." Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Four old golfer were standing on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession drives by. Ralph takes off his hat and bows his head until the procession is finished. Once the procession is over, he puts his hat back on his head and starts to line up his shot. John and the other guys are astonished.

John says, "Ralph, we have had a standing tee time together for the past 10 years. We didn't know that you were such a sentimental guy." Ralph says, "Hell, we were married for 25 years, it's the least I could do."

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...Poof! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then poof! ... she was gone.

After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows." Dave yells back, "Don't swing Fred, don't swing!!"

That's it for today my little Who-La Whoops. Remember, a compromise is an amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

I'm going to AREA 51 and see if any of the ladies want to compromise. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !