Friday, March 12, 2010

Has Anyone Seen My Pal Garnett's Ass ?

My pal, Garnett, usually shows his ass every chance he gets and lately, he has not been showing his ass. This made me wonder what was going on. I did some investigating and I found why no one has seen Garnett's ass. I'm told that Garnett was seen at the zoo the other day and people saw him put his lazy ass into his car and then speeding away at an alarming rate of speed.

It seems Garnett's ass has been at the zoo and I'm told that there have been some late night reports of people who have seen Garnett's ass in compromising situations. After further investigation, I have obtained pictures of Garnett's ass and the picture below is positive proof that he was indeed up to no good.

The little animal with the funny socks is called a Zonkey. Ostensibly, the little Zonkey is the result of a zebra and a donkey doing the dirty boogie. Officials claim that the mother is a zebra and the father is a donkey, but it sure looks like Garnett's ass to me....

The News As I See It: A new study says that women who drink moderate amounts of alcohol every day lose more weight than women that don’t drink at all. At least, that’s what your wife will slur to you after she forgets to pick up the kids from soccer practice. The richest man in the world is now Carlos Slim from Mexico. His name sounds like a Mexican weight-loss program.

Tiger Woods is reportedly planning a return to golf. It will be nice to see him getting back to what he does best, or at least second-best. The timing sounds about right, he will return about the same time as his new book, now dubbed the shortest book in the world, comes out. It's entitled "All My Black Mistresses."

The president of Haiti was recently at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. Then, the president of Haiti spoke.

I saw a bumper sticker on a Prius yesterday that said, "I’d like to brake for animals but I just can’t." Toyota says they're standing beside their vehicles — because that's the only safe place to stand.

This Date In History: 1912; Juliette Gordon Low founded the Girl Scouts.
1930; Mohandas Gandhi began his 200-mile march to protest the British salt tax. 1933; President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave the first of his nation-wide "fireside chats" on radio.

1938; "Anschluss" took place when Hitler incorporated his homeland of Austria into the Third Reich. 1947; President Truman established the "Truman Doctrine" to aid in the containment of Communism. 1993; Janet Reno was sworn in as the first female attorney general of the United States.

1994; The Church of England ordained women priests for the first time in 460 years. 2002; The color-coded terror alert system was unveiled by Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge. 2003; The prime minister of the Serbian state (of Serbia and Montenegro), Zoran Djindjic, was assassinated.

Picture Of The Day: Garnett's ass has always been a topic of conversation of people who appreciate fine asses. Although I think Garnett has a cute ass, there is no reason that he should flaunt it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The best things in life are free, but unfortunately that's not the way the law sees it. 2) There are two rules of success in life: 1) Don't tell people everything you know. 3) If you strap a slice of buttered bread (butter side up) to the back of a cat and drop the cat from a ladder, I wonder what would happen? 4) Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. 5) Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.....and that's five !

Birthdays: George Berkeley, philosopher 1685, Vaslav Nijinsky, ballet dancer and choreographer 1890, Jack Kerouac, American Writer 1922, Edward Albee, dramatist 1928, Andrew Young, political leader 1932, Liza Minnelli, actress 1946, James Taylor, musician 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man went to the beach to work on his tan. In his hotel room that night, he noticed that he had a nice tan everywhere except his bathing suit area. So the next day he went to a remote part of the beach. He decided to cover his head and body with sand and leave the untanned area exposed so he could have a nice even tan.

As luck would have it, two old ladies came walking by. Suddenly, they stopped and one of them said, "Sadie, would you look at that! When I was 20, I was afraid of it and when I was 40, I couldn't get enough of it and now that I'm 80, they're growing wild on the beach!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.......your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch." The man perks up. The doctor says, "So, you must decide how many inches you want. But, this is something you should discuss with your wife."

The doctor continues, "If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out. On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" The man says, "Yes I have." The doctor asks, "And has she helped you make a decision?" The man says, "Yes she has." The doctor says, "What is your decision?" The man replies, "We're remodeling the kitchen."

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

That's it for today my little pumpkin seeds. Remember, many chose the path less traveled, but most of them are mainly just lost. It's Friday and AREA 51 beckons. I think I'll take some bread crumbs with me just in case I run into Gretel. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

Laughing here in Washington...those zonkeys are sooooo cute, kinda like Garnett's~~~well I won't go there.
Have a great weekend...I'm off to the wedding...Linda (aka mother of the groom)

Julie said...

I knew there was a reason not to give up my beer. Cute Zonkees.

jack69 said...

Quote: If you strap a slice of buttered bread (butter side up) to the back of a cat and drop the cat from a ladder, I wonder what would happen? unquote
Now since I was once a little boy and tried to prove the cat thing many times, this raises a good question. That one I want to know
about! hahahahahaha!@

Jack & Sherry

Martha said...

LOL! Always fun here! Have a great weekend Jimmy :-)

Paula said...

Awwww what a cute little fellow. There used to be one of these at a little community west of San Antonio. They called it a Zeedonk. It has been too many years ago so I don't remember the exact markings.

Joann said...

Zonkey... what a cute name for a cute animal!!

LOVE the jokes about the Toyotas, I need that bumber sticker, I drive a Camry.

Rose said...

The zonkies are too cute!

And, I no I have not seen Pal, Garnett's ass.....LOL

Hugs, Rose

Tressa Bailey said...

I don't know Jimmy...I'm beginning to think you have a thing about naughty boy!

This was too funny....just what I needed!