Friday, March 5, 2010

My True Confessions

In an epiphany last evening, I realized that there are certain laws that I have violated and I feel the need to rid myself of the guilt and shame. I have removed the tags from my pillows and mattress scoffing at the warning not to remove under penalty of law.

I have folded, mutilated and/or spindled various documents that had explicit instructions not to do so. I include the word "spindled" although I have no idea what the word means. My spiritual advisor, Reverend Johnnie Walker Black has assured me however, that I have, in fact, spindled.

Those of you who have known a few of my girlfriends when I was a teenager know that any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or events, past, present or future, was purely coincidental. Although actual mileage may vary and void where prohibited, all models said they were over the age of 18. Prices were slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Some names were changed to protect the innocent.

Brothers and sisters, I have purchased products and entered contests that were void where prohibited. I have spit into the wind, stood while the bus was in motion and got out of my seat before the plane arrived at the terminal.

I have used products that were meant for educational purposes only for other reasons. Some assembly was required and batteries were not included. There were other products which I did not used as directed.

I have always gone by the rule, "No shoes, no shirt, no service." I readily admit I have bent these rules for certain females. Moreover, on the subject of women, I have either broken, lied about or did not follow the following rules: Do not take with alcohol, Insert this end first, Substantial penalty for early withdrawal, This side up, Actual size not shown.

All of us have likely heard the maxim, "Confession is good for the soul." It’s an old Scottish proverb but there is a word missing. The proverb actually reads, "An open confession is good for the soul." Being Irish, I always just say "Confusion is good for the soul" just to piss 'em off. You see? There's another confession! Aaaah.......I feel so much better now!

The News As I See It: Toyota records show that there were acceleration problems with the Toyota Camry years ago. Kia is already capitalizing on this, saying that they have never had any acceleration problems. Actually, if you step on the gas in a Kia, nothing happens at all. Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration’s credibility. It’s all in his new book, titled "Duh."

Rep. Charles Rangel has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They’ve been investigating him for three months and they haven’t found a single trace of ethics. In a new poll, 22 percent of Americans say they would forgive Tiger Woods for cheating on his wife. Which makes sense, because 22 percent of Americans have slept with Tiger Woods.

The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. Authorities say this is the worst abuse of "bring your kid to work day" since Woody Allen. They grew suspicious when five of the planes landed at a Toys 'R' Us parking lot.

This Date In History: 1770; The Boston Massacre, a pre-Revolutionary incident that grew out of anger towards British troops, occurred. Five anti-British rioters were killed. 1933; In the last free elections in Germany until after World War II, the Nazi Party received 44% of the vote. 1946; Winston Churchill delivered his famous Iron curtain speech, "From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an Iron Curtain has descended across the continent."

1953; Soviet dictator Josef Stalin died at age 73, after 29 years in power. 1963; Patsy Cline, Cowboy Copas, and Hawkshaw Hawkins were killed in a plane crash. 1997; North and South Korean representatives met for the first time in 25 years for peace talks.

Picture Of The Day: The quality and honesty of the ongoing political dog and pony shows we watch on the nightly news continue to spiral downward and insult my intelligence. Democrats and Republicans are equally to blame as the continuing battles of one-upsmanship take precedent over getting any work accomplished in Congress.

The movie industry receives money from advertisers in a subtle form of advertising referred to as product placement. This is where you might see a can of Pepsi, a pack of Marlboro cigarettes or a bottle of Budweiser carefully placed and conspicuous in a scene.

The latest feeble attempt to use product placement in politics came when President Obama spoke to the nation about Obamacare. If you happened to see the speech, you would have to be blind not to have noticed a number of physicians sitting in the audience. This is because all the physicians were wearing white coats. A lot of voters unfamiliar with raw politics might assume that these doctors were all there in support of Obozo's new(?) plan.

The fact is that only invited guest were at the speech. This includes the medical brigade in white. Furthermore, most of the physicians evidently didn't get the dress code notice and came in their suits and ties. Wile E. Coyote-Obama and his home boys scrambled, found and supplied all the physicians with camera-ready white coats to be more conspicuous and to infer that every doctor in the nation was with him.

So, the next time you see any politician in a speech, take a good look at the people behind him and the placement. I guarantee you will see a mixture of Caucasians, Blacks, Asians and men women and children, carefully arranged in that typical "We Are The World" group picture.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, is the hunter squashed beneath it any less dead? 2) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and they'll laugh anyway, 3) Politicians sometimes make me feel like a damned mushroom - kept in the dark and fed bullshit. 4) In an intellectually equal society, who will be the busboys? 5) Lawyers and politicians are expert on justice in the same way that whores are experts on love.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Antoine Cadillac, founder of Detroit 1658, Charles Goodnight, cattleman 1836, Lady Augusta Gregory, dramatist 1859, Rosa Luxemburg, revolutionary 1871, Rex Harrison, actor 1908.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A senior citizens' group charters an overnight bus trip from Tampa , Florida to Branson, Missouri. As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!' The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies? About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles and says, "Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" The old man replies, "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it, someone hits me on the head!"

An old man in a movie theater leans forward in his chair to get a better look at the movie screen. As he does so, his toupee falls into the lap of a young woman in front of him. Embarrassed, he slips his hand down to attempt to retrieve his fallen hairpiece.

Suddenly the woman begins to move and moans, "Oooh! That's it! That's It" The old man mutters, "No, it's not. I part mine on the right."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A man fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony.

The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room. The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The Chief replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands.....and on, and on.

One afternoon a nurse entered the room, "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the nurse, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. The nurse said, "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the nurse was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the nurse to proceed. The nurse then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare ass in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" The general barked, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" The head nurse replied, "Yes I have, General, but not with a daffodil."

That's it for today my little mushrooms. Remember, sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. I'm going to AREA 51 to see what's on the television at Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

Another great entry! In the 27 years I worked in a hospital setting I saw very few doctors wearing white lab coats. Most wear scrubs or their regular clothes. I would say that not all people in lab coats are doctors....could be just ordinary people wearing lab coats. Have a good weekend, hope there's no hurricanes or anything to ruin your plans. Linda in beautiful,sunny western Washington the state

Paula said...

This entry is priceless Jimmy. I've had my laugh for today. It was a big burden off my shoulders when I finally realized I could tear those tags off the mattress if I damn well pleased.

Rose said...

Bless me Father for I have sinned!

I just bought new pillows yesterday.......yes, I tore the tags off......oh my....I need to go to Confession again?

I really bought the new pillows just's like you were watching me cut the tags off!

Hugs, Rose

kbear said...

I'm all for Confusion is good for the soul!!!

Woody said...

Now the general and the Daffodil almost made me P m pants, ROFLMAO!!!

Martha's Menagerie said...

LOL! You always provide me with some laughs Jimmy. Have a great weekend :-)

jack69 said...

Thanks Jimmy, somehow I think I am educated and ready for my BS degreee. send it on out! hahahahaha
Jack & Sherry

Senorita said...

Thanks for the laugh, as usual. Have a nice weekend.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Jimmy thanks for my daily dose of laughter ~ Ally x

Barb said...

Hi there. I wandered over from Linda's World. I got a real chuckle from you entry. You have quite a wit & style of writintg. Glad I stopped by!
Barbara (queenb8261 Diary of A Mad Woman). Take care!

REGINA said...

um, jimmy, dear. you hae confessed a sin you actually didn't commit. reread the tags on the pillows, mattress, etc. it say to be removed ONLY by the are the consumer. it is ok for you to remove the tags. it just means that no one else can remove them....before you, the consumer, purchases the item. so, see, one less sin you have to be concerned with, lol.

great always, my friend.