Was I The Only Kid Whose Milk Was Served In A Jelly Glass?

I was at Sears the other day looking for a some jeans when I decided I'd buy a set of 4 drinking glasses because I had broken one at home. While browsing, I couldn't help but overhear a conversation between a young couple who were purchasing stemware, flatware and dinnerware for their new apartment.

Their conversation took me way back to my first marriage and my initial shopping trip to do the same thing. I was surprised when my wife-to-be explained that we had to buy two sets of dinnerware. One for everyday use and one for guests. I also learned that we had to have guest towels and regular towels. These "rules of etiquette" were completely unfathomable to me and although I made a feeble protest as to the logic of two sets of anything, we proceeded to purchase the items that my wife wanted.

Although I didn't realize it at the time, I grew up relatively poor. Both of my parents worked and though I never really "wanted" for anything, I knew that some things were definitely out of the question. At the start of each school year, our parents purchased "school clothes." It was made clear to us that when we came home from school, we took off our school clothes and put on our "play clothes."

As for our "dinnerware", it consisted of of multi-colored melmac plates, mismatched flatware and most of our glasses were compliments of the good folks who sold jelly at the supermarket. The words "guest towels" was never a part of my vernacular as we were assigned one towel each and used that same towel for a week. Since I didn't know any better, this all seemed logical to me and the only thing I ever worried about was being late for dinner.

Over the years, I've learned quite a bit about the "do's and don'ts" and I have adjusted to the formalities of decor and etiquette. But, to be quite frank, I'm just as comfortable eating barbecued chicken and potato salad on a melmac plate as eating filet mignon and lobster from the finest china in the world. Been there, done that !

The News As I See It: President Obama has signed a bill to increase tourism to the United States. Tourism is down, which is surprising. You would think people from foreign countries would want to come here to see where their American jobs originated. Democratic Majority Leader Sen. Harry Reid says that it’s good news that only 36,000 jobs were lost in February. Think of how happy he’ll be in November when he loses his job.

In San Diego, a man called the police when the accelerator on his Toyota Prius got stuck and made his car go 90 mph. Luckily, the man was able to stop his car when he ran into a Toyota going in the opposite direction. As you know, the Toyota Prius is a hybrid — half gas engine, half runaway racehorse.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and that's when all the trouble started....

This Date In History: 1629; Charles I of England dissolves Parliament and rules alone for 11 years. 1785; Thomas Jefferson is appointed minister to France. 1848; Congress ratified the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican War. 1864; U. S. Grant became commander of the Union armies during the Civil War. 1876; The first telephone call ("Mr. Watson, come here. I want you.") was made by Alexander Graham Bell.

1948; The body of Jan Masaryk, Czechoslovakia's anti-Communist foreign minister was found. Officially a suicide, the real cause of death has never been proven. 1969; James Earl Ray was sentenced in Memphis, Tennessee, to 99 years in prison for the murder of Martin Luther King, Jr., in April 1968.

Picture Of The Day: Hand paintings, quite an art as these pictures depict. I received these from a friend and thought I would share them with you. The details are remarkable.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The older I get, the less I trust farts. 2) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers. 3) There's one in every family! If you don't understand what I'm talking about....it's you! 4) Why don't psychics ever win the lottery? 5) Today is the first day of the rest of your life -- Not exactly beginning with a bang, is it?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Pablo de Sarasate, violin virtuoso 1844, Lillian Wald, social worker 1867, Clare Boothe Luce, playwright and diplomat 1903, Bix Beiderbecke (Leon Bismarck Beiderbecke), American Jazz Musician 1903, Sharon Stone, actress 1958, Shannon Miller, gymnast 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were hump or drown."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Vivian for her contribution to today's stories.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?" Socrates replied, "Wait a moment. Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three. Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.

The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man replied, "No, actually I just heard about it." Socrates said, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" The man said, "No, on the contrary..."

Socrates continued, "So, you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates said, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" The man said, "No, not really..." Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Farmer Kirt was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hens, called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Kirt could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was Garnett, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Kirt noticed old Garnett's bell hadn't rung at all! Kirt went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But, to Farmer Kirt's amazement, Garnett had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Kirt was so proud of Garnett, he entered him in the county fair. Garnett became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result: The judges not only awarded Garnett the "No BellPiece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

That's it for today my little aardvarks. Remember, if you take the time to smell the roses, eventually you'll inhale a bee. It's Hump Day and a trip to AREA 51 for Happy Hour is in order. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !