Monday, March 8, 2010

Put The Toilet Seat Down !

Although I have been properly trained by the opposite sex on bathroom etiquette, I must admit that there are certain rules that have always bothered me. When I lived at home, my mother always told me to remember to put the toilet seat down after using the restroom. While I did as instructed when I remembered to do so, it was never really a major problem nor a constant topic of conversation.

I have always left the toilet seat and lid down after using the restroom but I must admit that I have have forgotten to do so at times. The only thing that makes me wonder is how do the "fall-in" accidents happen? When I go to the bathroom, I open the door, turn on the light, locate the toilet, aim and pee. Do women go to the door, close their eyes and walk backwards to the toilet and just sit down?

As I mentioned in paragraph one, I have been trained to leave the seat down but it brings to mind an incident when I was married. My wife and I returned from very chilly late night partying and we basically shed clothes from the front door to the bedroom as we had both been consuming the spirits abandonly. We weren't in bed for more than five minute when my wife jumped up and rushed to the bathroom. The next sounds I heard were a splash, a scream and curse words that would embarrass even the most bawdiest sailor.

My instincts told me to pretend like I was asleep, but my spiritual advisor, the reverend Johnnie Walker Black, said, "that's the funniest thing I've heard all night." Reverend Black, who always seems to get me into trouble, laughed so hardily that I was moved to laugh as well. Needless to say, this caused the feces to collide with the oscillator (that's the "shit hit the fan" for the hard of understanding), and all hell broke loose.

My wife was not amused. Fearing the possibility of being killed in my sleep or some other form of retaliation, I opted to move to the couch in the family room where I silently laid down to sleep, chuckling as quietly as possible....

After a few days of the "cold shoulder" and having the kids taste my food before I ate it, I decided that discretion was the better part of valor and the following day, I brought home some flowers and a bottle of wine as an offering of peace.

The News As I See It: President Obama had his annual physical last week. While the colonoscopy didn’t reveal any polyps, they did find three MSNBC reporters and a New York Times columnist. General Motors announced that they’re recalling 1.3 million compact cars in North America to address a power steering problem. Apparently, since President Obama took over the company, all of the cars are veering to the left.

the Democratic gubernatorial primary, Texas voters overwhelmingly nominated former Houston mayor Bill White over Pakistani-born businessman Farouk Shami. Who could have seen that coming? New York Governor David Paterson lied under oath about getting free Yankees tickets for the World Series last Fall. Paterson, who is legally blind, maintains that he didn’t even know he was at a Yankees game.

Samsung just came out with this new refrigerator that has built-in Internet and a screen on the outside so you can display family photos and recipes. Or, for $2,000 less, you can buy a magnet. California State Senator Roy Ashburn was pulled over for a DUI and it turns out that he was drinking in a gay nightclub. Ashburn voted against every single gay rights measure. Maybe he was at the night club to protest the gay lifestyle. However, he tested positive for "Appletini."

There is a theory that Ashburn could be a closeted homosexual, and he may also be a hypocrite. Hypocrisy at this level is like seeing Mel Gibson at a synagogue. This guy is making California’s government look like a joke and that’s clearly Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job.

Former President George "Dubya" Bush is writing a book about how he made decisions in the White House. The book has two chapters: heads and tails. The House has passed a $15 billion jobs bill. The bad news is, all of those new jobs are fixing Toyotas.

This Date In History: 1782; A peaceful settlement of Delaware Indians were massacred by militia at Gnadenhutten in Ohio. 1917; Russia's February Revolution, which eventually led to the overthrow the czarist government, began. 1945; Phyllis Mae Daley, the first African-American nurse to serve in World War II, received her U.S. Navy commission.

1948; The Supreme Court ruled that religious instruction in public schools violated the Constitution. 1950; The Soviet Union claimed to be in possession of the atomic bomb. 1965; First U.S. combat troops arrived in Vietnam. 1983 President Reagan called the USSR an "Evil Empire." 1999; Baseball Hall of Famer Joe DiMaggio died.

Picture Of The Day: Slow Mondays are no problem if you start drinking early enough. It does affect the selection of pictures that are available and I hope you enjoy this eclectic collection.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I take exception to saying that Bernanke, Obama, Reid and Pelosi are spending like drunken sailors. Most of the drunken sailors I know quit spending when they run out of money. 2) Why is it that when they show a computer ad they show computers and when they show a car ad they show cars but when they show a condom ad they show people playing tennis? 3) Volvo, Video, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around 4) How many times do you have to be told to take your medications before posting to Facebook? 5) Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Oliver Wendell Holmes, American Jurist 1841, Kenneth Grahame, writer 1859, Otto Hahn, chemist and physicist 1879, Alan Hale, Jr., actor 1918, Lynn Redgrave, actress 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: 75-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." Dr. Smith said, "Wow, that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife, "Thelma, George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma said, "Yes, the old fool's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Frances and Regina for their contributions to today's stories.

A married couple walked into a sandal shop. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them on to his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican began screaming, "Mon, You got dem on de wrong feet!...."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,"You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

That's it for today my little buttermilk biscuits. Remember, love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Heli gunner Tom said...

Hi Jimmy,
I always enjoy your wit, jokes and posts! I think that your Blog is where regular people meet to relax and feel comfortable with some levity and fun.

Tom S

Senorita said...

I am female, and I don't understand what the big deal is with keeping the toilet seat down.

I always look behind me before sitting down. I think it's stupid to just sit down and pee.

I guess I just watched too many horror films as a kid where there was something lurking in the shitter.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Thankyou Jimmy ~ I wouldn't miss your blog for anything ~ You never cease to make me laugh and for that I thankyou ~ Ally x

Linda's World said...

Gosh, I'm glad my electric lawn mower isn't a Toyota! You know I drive a Toyota (1997 Rav 4) and I love it. Never had any problems with it what so ever. Sadly it's just the newer models. Hope the can get them all fixed and Toyota can recover from this. They really are a great vehicle. Linda in the state of WA

jack69 said...

you get paid to write this stuff? Funny,
Jack &Sherry

garnett109 said...

Jimmy, loved the recall video, damn near shit myself!!!!!!!!

Paula said...

I leave the night light on and trust the man in my house is a gentleman. Sometime he is and sometime he isn't. Do you know what it feels like to fall into a wet cold hole?