Wednesday, March 3, 2010

It's Hump Day And I Need To Get Out Of The House !

There's a new application out called Tiger Text that is becoming quite popular. "Cover Your Tracks", is the motto of a new service and app available for the iPhone and iPod Touch, which can automatically delete sent and received text messages. The application allows users to set a time limit on how long a text message will remain on a users phone before being erased.

The death and destruction in Chile is heartbreaking and it will take years for the population to recover and rebuild there. One thing that really angers me is the widespread looting that is going on there. I have no problem turning my head to people who steal food, clothing and supplies to survive. On the other hand, I would have no problem sitting on a roof top with a sniper's rifle and killing every son-of-a-bitch coming out of a store with a computer or television set.

Representative Charlie Rangel (D-N.Y.) is finally steppping giving up his chairmanship of the House Ways and Means Committee, days after being admonished by an ethics panel for taking two corporate-sponsored trips to the Caribbean in violation of House rules. Rangel's move comes when it appeared increasingly unlikely that he would survive a House vote this week on stripping him of chairmanship of the powerful tax writing committee. One Democratic member told NBC, "We don't have the votes to save him."

The ethics committee issued a report last Friday finding that members of Rangel's staff knew that several trips the congressman took to the Caribbean in 2007 and 2008 were indirectly funded by private corporations. More worrisome for the congressman is a much larger investigation by the committee looking into whether he failed to pay the required taxes on a property in the Dominican Republic.

A separate inquiry is also looking into an allegation that Rangel improperly used his office to raise money for a New York City academic center named for him. Rangel, who has served in Congress since 1971, had remained defiant, slamming newspapers for their investigations and criticizing the ethics panel on the House floor.

The News As I See It: Former President George "Dubya" Bush recently said that he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hell, we all turned to prayer during his presidency. The Winter Olympics are over and I'm already starting to miss it, especially bobsledding. It's the only sport that shows us what it's like to drive a Toyota.

Gatorade has officially ended their relationship with Tiger Woods after they checked his cell phone and found texts from Powerade and Vitamin Water. He was seeing at least five other sports drinks. Search crews in Montana are looking for two bags of mail in the wilderness that fell out of a plane last week. Meanwhile, a bunch of squirrels were excited to learn they’d been pre-approved for a Discover card.

President Obozo had his first physical exam as president and the doctor said he was in much better shape than the country. The doctor told Obie to cut down on cigarettes and stay away from Toyotas. In related news, Dick Cheney went in for his annual autopsy. Doctors said that he should be fine and the sneer will be back on his face in no time.

And finally, Last week in Texas, it took four police officers 30 minutes to catch a goat running around in a Taco Bell parking lot. A spokesman for Taco Bell apologized, and said, "Usually, our ingredients don’t get up and walk around like that."

This Date In History: 1845; Florida became the 27th state in the United States. 1845; The U.S. Senate passed legislation overriding a presidential veto for the first time. 1875; Georges Bizet's opera Carmen debuted in Paris, to cool audience reception and panned by critics.

1879; Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood became the first woman lawyer to be admitted to appear before the Supreme Court of the United States. 1918; Germany, Austria, and Russia signed the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk. 1931; The "Star-Spangled Banner" was adopted as the national anthem.

1991; Rodney King's vicious beating by Los Angeles police officers was caught on videotape. 2000; Former dictator Augusto Pinochet returned to Chile after being detained in Britain on torture charges. 2003; New embassies opened in Kenya and Tanzania, to replace those lost in the 1998 terrorist bombings.

Picture Of The Day: Not a stellar day for finding good pictures on the Internet today but I managed to find a few that I hope will make you smile.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't grow in the ocean? 2) Half of all Americans can't do math, and the other two-thirds don't care. 3) If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? 4) People who claim they don't have the time to do things right somehow find the time to do them over. 5) I went down this morning to sign up my dog for welfare. At first the lady said, dogs are not eligible to draw welfare. So I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his daddy is. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dog gets his first check Friday.....and that's five !

Birthdays: George M. Pullman, industrialist 1831, Alexander Graham Bell, American inventor 1847, Matthew Ridgway, U.S. general 1895, Jean Harlow, actress 1911, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, athlete 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" Mrs. Mallory said, "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband.".

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud, "Bob, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush. You could hear a pin drop. Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times....., What we have is Blue Cross!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals, Regina, Victor and Vivian for their contributions to today's stories.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize, "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."The man said, "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes." He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments. She asked, "How does that feel?" The man replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. His wife says, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband says, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." His wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them!"

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. The husband asks, "What do you think you're doing? The wife says, "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price." PA System: "Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down."

That's it for today my little rum runners. Remember, you cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. With that thought, I'm off to AREA 51 and the theater of the absurd for Happy Hour. More on Friday

Stay Tuned !

6 comments:

Rose said...

Go out and enjoy your Hump Day at your Area 51.

You crack me up "Dick Cheney went in for his annual autopsy".

Hugs, Rose

Senorita said...

There may be Tiger Text, but fortunately for us ladies there will be a lot of men that will be dumb enough to not use it and forget to erase their dirty texts.

That earthquake in Chile is so sad. I hear that towns have been wiped out.

Coelha :B said...

lol..where do you get these pictures?! lol... very funny..as usual! Julie

Paula said...

John wants to drive all the way to San Antonio to eat at Taco Bell. I'm going to read this one to him. Funny jokes and pictures. Thanks.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Jimmy I am still laughing at the
" George "Dubya" Bush " many thanks for the smiles ~ Ally x

√ Abraham said...

Ambition. Ambitious. Amazing post. I am still smiling.