Friday, March 26, 2010

Your Age Determines How Your Trip To Home Depot Turns Out !

You're in the middle of some kind of project around the house - planting a lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, whatever. You're hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you do one of the following:

In your 20's: You stop what you're doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's: You stop what you're doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a sweatshirt that's long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she's spicy.

In your 50's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog shit in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait Shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's: You stop what you're doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.

In your 70's: You stop what you're doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's: You stop what you're doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you're looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

The News As I See It: Tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country last week, demanding a path to citizenship. Don't they understand that we already have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.

Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for Obamacare. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, The whole healthcare fight took a big toll on Nancy Pelosi’s popularity. Her favorability rating is down to 11 percent, making her the most disliked woman in America with less than eight kids.

Taster's Choice coffee is offering free samples of their coffee. I received my samples today and I thought I'd tell you about it. Just go to the site and fill out your information and they'll send the samples in the mail. There's four or five different flavors (including decaffeinated). After you've read today's post, click here.

This Date In History: 1827; Composer Ludwig van Beethoven died at age 56 in Vienna, Austria. 1945; The battle of Iwo Jima ended; about 22,000 Japanese troops were killed or captured in the fighting and more than 4,500 U.S. troops were killed. 1971; East Pakistan proclaimed its independence, taking the name Bangladesh.

1979; In a ceremony at the White House, President Sadat of Egypt and Prime Minister Begin of Israel signed a peace treaty ending 30 years of war between the two countries. 1982; Groundbreaking ceremonies for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial took place in Washington, DC. 2000; Vladimir Putin was elected president of Russia.

Picture Of The Day: I've seen all the advertising for Easter and all I've seen is the many pictures of my second favorite thing.....chocolate! For all my lady friends who are on a diet, I apologize, but the devil made me do it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The difference between Congress and a federal prison is that one is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. 2) Honk if you love Jesus and text while driving if you want to meet him. 3) I would gladly trade in my "Caller I.D." for a "Caller I.Q." 4) It matters not whether you win or lose; What matters is whether I win or lose. 5) I am having an out of money experience.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Edward Bellamy, author 1850, A. E. Housman, poet and scholar 1859, Robert Frost, American poet 1874, James Bryant Conant, educator 1893, Tennessee Williams, dramatist 1911, Sandra Day O'Connor, jurist 1930, Alan Arkin, actor, director 1934, Diana Ross, singer 1944, Steven Tyler, musician 1948, Martin Short, actor, producer 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman who asked, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" The old man answered, "Well, I may have had a beer or two. Why do you ask?" The policeman said, "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back." The old man replied, "Thank god, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Hector and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A man was driving home after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Suddenly, cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to stop at the side of the bridge.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?" The man thought for a second and said, "I don't know, sir." The cop said, "67 miles per hour, son!" The man asked, "But if you already knew, officer, why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in a sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at the man in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" The man answered, "I have a good, well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling the man's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?" The man said, "I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house and stretch their rectum until it's six feet wide. The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" The man said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of the Georgia state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy got out and watched the performance briefly, then he went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot." One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"

That's it for today my little pigeon toes. Remember, it is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege. Thank God, it's Friday! One of the best reasons I know of to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and Lord knows what else. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said... tell me, you still own a pair of shorts with a hole in the crotch? LOL

I was falling off my chair cracking up...........Love the entry today.

I went in my closet to check my old duds that I do work around the house in..........I don't have any holes but I do have stains.......LOL

Hugs, Rose

Julie said...

Loved the post, keep the laughs coming. I really need them these days..

jack69 said...

As the man Jimmy says:

Good one as usual. I thing the young men call them 'Quick Leak' shorts. LOL
Sherry & Jack

Senorita said...

That Home Depot story is so true ! I am almost thirty, but a few years ago I would put on tight clothes and makeup even to just go to the store.

Myra said...

I was rolling on the floor true!

Ally Lifewithally said...

Jimmy thanks for the smiles ~ once again a great post ~ Ally x

Linda's World said...

I love the Home Depot bit. That was good. I hope when the next election comes around people haven't forgotten what the jerks in Washington, DC did to us last week. It's too bad that couldn't have been put off until September so it would still be very fresh in out minds come November. 62* degrees here on this fine Saturday afternoon...Linda in the other Washington

Paula said...

I'm a day late but wanted to add my word about the enjoyment of Home Depot.

Martha said...

Enjoy the weekend Jimmy and you just might want to stay away from Home Depot ;-)