Today is a special day when men make that last minute attempt to come up with a semi-clever way to say "I Love You" to their significant other. I remember one Valentine's Day I had to be away on a business trip. I wired flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse. Over the years, I learned that writing poetry, no matter how heartfelt, should not start out "There was once a girl from Nantucket."
Understandably, men really have no clue as to what to do on this occasion. Early in married life, men learn that neither plugging and unplugging the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning nor opening the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine is very romantic. I soon became aware of the fact giving a box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact I ate all the carmel ones, was not a good idea.
Other bad ideas for Valentine's Day gifts are: 1) Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model. 2) Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label. 3) Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label. 4) Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears. 5) Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
Yes, my friends, today is a special day for the ladies and a day that horrifies most men as they wonder what in hell to give their lady. The finality of it all is that if the gift is heartfelt and sincere, most anything will make them happy. You see, it's the thought that counts.....
The News As I See It: Egypt’s President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the tea party said, "Obama’s leaving?"
For a while, I was thinking that Hosni Mubarak wasn’t going to step down and leave. It turns out Hosni Mubarak is an ancient Egyptian name that means "Brett Favre." Now if we just get MuBarak Obozo to follow his lead.
When Lindsay Lohan was in court, she wore a white mini dress. Lindsay claimed the white dress stood for "innocence" and "purity." Unfortunately, her jewelry stood for "felony" and "larceny."
The New York Times says that cars will no longer come equipped with cassette players. That’s insane. It’s 2011 — people still read newspapers?
Keith Olbermann has a new job on Al Gore’s Current TV as an investigative reporter. His job will be to find anyone that actually watches Current TV.
This Date In History: 1859; Oregon became the 33rd state in the United States. 1912; Arizona became the 48th state in the United States. 1920; The League of Women Voters was founded. 1929; Members of Al Capone's gang killed rival gang members in the St. Valentine's Day massacre.
1989; Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa, calling for the death of Salman Rushdie, author of The Satanic Verses. 2001; The Kansas Board of Education reversed its 1999; ruling and restored evolution to the state's science curriculum.
Picture Of The Day: St. Valentines day brings back memories and it's one of those days when I think of My Perfect Martini. So, today's pictures are dedicated her and to all the ladies. My hope for a nice St. Valentines Day goes out to all of you. Tomorrow's a day of affection and I hope that everyone receives their fair share.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. 2) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers. 3) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. 4) I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." 5) We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we didn't laugh that evening when he came back with a whore he picked up in town.......and that's five !
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 14th: Your lucky goat name for today is Penelope. You will be glad of a loved one's ability to almost painlessly remove splinters from your backside. In other news, scientists have found out that when the wind changes, your face doesn't get locked in its current position. Your ability to think up lies on the spot may be challenged this week. Don't be afraid to run really fast - problems will catch up, but at least you've given yourself a few minutes to think up some bullshit explanation. This knowledge may serve you well. A week of rest may be all you need for your ego to recover.
Birthdays: George Jean Nathan, editor and drama critic 1882, Katherine Stinson, pioneering pilot 1891, Jack Benny, comedian 1894, Florence Henderson, actress 1934, Donna Shalala, educator, public official 1941, Michael Bloomberg, businessman and politician 1942, Gregory Hines, dancer, actor 1946, Jim Kelly, Football QB 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" On the next floor, another beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5 - Bel Aire, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, farts, and says, "Broccoli - Winn Dixie, $.49 cents a pound."
An distraught old man is sitting on a park bench when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. The sad old man answers,"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." The young man says, "What's wrong with that?" The old man answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. Then, after dinner, we make love all night until I fall asleep." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you upset?" The old man replies, "I forgot where I live."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.
A man was at my bank and there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of him, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?" After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On your wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the hell was that?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got me by the balls!"
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
That's it for today my little chocolate covered cherries. Remember, never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !