Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Somali Pirates And Other Things That Piss Me Off !

The four boaters that were being held hostage were massacred by Somali pirates. Pirates? This is 2011, not 1511. We have military drones that can blow a boatload of Somalian assholes into fish food. Three or four drones flying predatory missions would set an example. Spot the pirate boat, launch the damned missile and kill the Somalis. No warnings, just the surprise. They'll catch on after Mustafa doesn't make it home for dinner.

Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that a key provision of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is unconstitutionally biased and will no longer be defended in court by Justice Department attorneys. But he assured members of Congress that the Clinton-era federal statute, which defines marriage as between only a "man and a woman" as "husband and wife," will continue to be enforced by the executive branch until it is either repealed by legislators or definitely voided by the courts.

President Obozo himself ordered the reversal of executive branch policy and position after determining that the marriage classifications contained in the statute could not survive under the strictest standards of judicial review.

Whether you agree or disagree with the law is moot. The point is that Obozo is the president, not the king. The executive branch approves and carries out laws passed by the legislative branch. The only body that can strike down the law is the Supreme Court. Someone should explain that to both Step and Fetchit.

The News As I See It: Rahm Emanuel won the election for mayor of Chicago. In keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago. As mayor, he’ll have to keep his language clean. He wouldn’t want to sully the otherwise spotless reputation of Chicago politics.

Monday was Presidents Day, and I spent all day acting like a president. I took someone else’s money and spent it on something I don’t need. Presidents Day is a special day when we celebrate history by getting great deals on mattresses. In the middle east, it's called "Overthrow Your President's Day."

They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt.

Rush Limbaugh called Michelle Obama a hypocrite, criticizing her for eating ribs on vacation. Rush shouldn’t talk. He would eat his own ribs if you put sauce on them.

This Date In History: 1821; John Keats, English Romantic poet, died. 1836;
Mexican general Santa Anna began the siege of the Alamo. 1896; The Tootsie Roll was introduced by Leo Hirshfield.

1898; French novelist Emile Zola was convicted of libel and sentenced to jail for writing his "J'accuse" letter accusing the government of anti-Semitism and wrongly jailing Captain Alfred Dreyfus.

1942; The first Axis shelling of U.S. soil took place near Santa Barbara, Calif. 1945; U.S. Marines raised the American flag on Iwo Jima. 1997; Scottish scientists announced the successful cloning of a sheep, Dolly. Aye, McTavish, that's quite a lovely girl you've got.....

Picture Of The Day: Ya gotta love the picture of the day entitled "Mexican recliners." If you are in construction or have ever been to building material stores such as Lowes or Home Depot early in the morning, you'll know exactly why I laughed at this one.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have found that the phrase "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up" doesn't have much impact at a bar. 2) Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 3) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 4) Life's a bitch, because if it was a slut, it would be easy. 5) Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Pisces - February 23rd: Screaming "Death to the Infidel!" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centers, will leave you with bruises in special places. You will find that jumping up and down is great fun and encouraging others to do so is a fine way to make friends and see bouncing breasts.

Dumb waiters are not Afghanistani asylum seekers, rather, they are more apt to come across the Mexican border. You have cleverly structured an impressive set piece in your head. Put it into practice today and you'll quickly see the benefit. Don't worry. Be happy.

Birthdays: Samuel Pepys, diarist 1633, W. E. B. DuBois, author 1868, George Frideric Handel, German-English Composer 1685, Peter Fonda, actor 1939, Viktor Yushchenko, politician, president 1954, Crown Prince Naruhito, heir to the Japanese throne 1960, Michael Dell, entrepreneur 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The little boy asked, "Mommy, what are all those ladies doing?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work."

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" His mother answered, "They become cab drivers."

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many." The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds, and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda in Washington State and Pat in the U.K. for their contributions to today's stories.

There were three boys all in fifth grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a Southern boy. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. He said, "I know, we can play, 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee'". The southern boy asked, "How do you play that?" The Spanish boy said, "It's easy. We can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. The Spanish boy said, "Alright, Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. So the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's.

As the southern boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said. Later that day the southern boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?" The boy said, "Yep! I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a southerner." His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

There was a loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her mother who was still in bed. Her mother asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" The little girl replies "Oh, yes, Mother, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

That's it for today my little chicklets. Remember, your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Okay, now package the advice about the Samali Pirates and send it to the Prez....

I met that cab driver once, but by then he was driving in New Jersey!!!

Thanks for the laughs.

Julie said...

I agree, blow them out of the water. Oh, and I loved the jokes today.

Heli gunner Tom said...

That manure pile in the WH doesn't have a clue-- nor a pair. Great idea about the Predator plane taking care of the pirates!!


Paula said...

You can get those recliners in south Texas.

Linda's World said...

After reading an editorial in my local paper I realize that this Somali pirate thing is bigger than we realize. "As of this week, they reportedly are holding 30 ships and 660 hostages. More than two dozen countries-including China, Britain, Russia, Japan, India, Korea and the Netherlands have joined the U.S. Sixth Fleet in patrolling the waters where the pirates operate. It's stated that any boatmen lost at sea are easily replaced. Bounties of thousands of dollars will lure no end of young men in a country where people subsist on the equivalent of a few dollars a day. It's said that the pirate city of Harardhere actually features a stock exchange in which investors buy shares in planned attacks. The U.N. Security Council has already authorized military force against the pirates, and there's no lack of countries eager to shut them down. What's needed now is the leadership to make it happen." This is some of the editorial in 'The News Tribune' in Tacoma, WA.

garnett109 said...

Jimmy what colors do the recliners come in?