Friday, February 11, 2011

Some Valentine's Day Advice For Men

Gentlemen beware! Do not let certain St. Valentines Day commercials ruin the month of February for you. I refer to the bombardment of ads trying to convince you that your lady will be thrilled to receive a Vermont Teddy Bear or a Hoodie-Footie for Valentine's day. She will not! A rule of thumb is never purchase a gift that cannot be easily removed by a proctologist.

Women are easily pleased if you use your head and an almost guaranteed smile of satisfaction begins with the easiest but most important item you purchase, the Valentine card. The first and most important step is to actually read the card. The size of the card is never as important as the words written inside it. Adding a well thought out, honest and personal note of your own usually completes the thought quite well.

While the Vermont Teddy Bear and Hoodie-Footie may be cute as a secondary gift which can be laughed off as a joke, your primary gift merely requires a little forethought. As a veteran of two marriages and countless lady friends, I can assure you that the phrase "diamonds are a girl's best friend" is a true adage. Should that gift be financially impossible, any form of well thought out jewelry will usually put a smile on your lady's face.

If you choose to buy jewelry, buy quality, not size. A nice perfume is good but a little tricky. The salesgirls usually will know what's good and take their advice, because you'll never know. Never buy clothes because I guarantee that whatever you pick will be wrong! Roses are a safe and well received gift but try to pick a distinctive color. While red is normally the color of choice, I've always been partial to sending yellow roses.

Roses, while usually a safe bet, are overpriced, a bit trite and quickly go bad. I have found that a romantic dinner at an upscale restaurant and a thoughtful gift are usually the way to please your lady. Additionally, if roses are still on your mind, buy your lady one long stemmed rose (I prefer yellow) in a gift wrapped box and give it to her along with your gift.

Do Not Purchase a box of chocolates, Forest Gump, it's trite and wreaks of a last minute purchase. Although women love chocolates, it's an item that can be purchased any time of the year. If you do buy chocolate, make sure it's a secondary gift.

As for next year's gift, during the year, make a mental note to look up anytime your lady says's "awwwww..." That's usually a sign that she's seen or heard something that has moved her. Anything close to the the stimulus that evoked the "awwwww..." will make a good gift for next year.

The real key to any gift, on any occasion, is the element of surprise. The unexpected always brings smiles and an occasional tear. It's also what keeps a relationship fresh and exciting.

Remember one thing my friends, when business is good for all the different Valentine's Day retailers, it's also good for proctologists. Happy St. Valentine's Day!

Nascar kicks off the 2011 Sprint Cup championship season at the Daytona International Speedway with the running of the Budweiser Shootout on Saturday night and Daytona 500 qualifying on Sunday afternoon. There's a lot of new changes with a newly paved race track which lends to three abreast racing at speeds nearing 200 miles per hour. It should be interesting and exciting.

The News As I See It: Christina Aguilera is bouncing back from her Super Bowl appearance by singing at the Grammys. She’ll be accompanied by a full orchestra and Barack Obozo's teleprompter.

Lindsay Lohan has been charged with stealing a $2,500 necklace. According to the law for celebrities in Los Angeles, 600 strikes and she’s out.

Michelle Obama says she has gotten President Obama to stop smoking. I wonder if she can get John Boehner to stop sobbing.

Ten thousand angry demonstrators demanded that Egypt’s President Mubarak leave office. Police tried to disperse them with tear gas and when that didn’t work, they brought in a Black Eyed Peas halftime show. The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme.

A Mexican fast food chain was busted because 50 percent of its workers are undocumented. Now that’s real Mexican food.

Texas officials want to take away a beauty queen’s crown because she’s put on too much weight. They should have seen this coming because her talent in the pageant was eating ham while swinging from a rope.

President Obozo hosted Republican leaders for lunch at the White House. Obama had to do without salt, bread, pepper, and butter, but not for health reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.

This Date In History: 1805; Lewis and Clark's Shoshone guide Sacajawea gave birth to a son, Jean Baptiste. 1809; Robert Fulton patented the steamboat. 1858; Saint Bernadette of Lourdes first saw a vision of the Virgin Mary at Lourdes, France, leading to the foundation of the shrine of Lourdes.

1929; Lateran Treaty was signed, with Italy recognizing the independence and sovereignty of Vatican City. 1945; Yalta Agreement signed by President Franklin Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, and Soviet leader Josef Stalin during World War II. 1970; Japan became the fourth country to put a satellite into orbit.

1979; Ayatollah Khomeini's followers seized control of the Iran government. 1989; The Episcopal Church Boston diocese consecrated Barbara Harris as the church's first woman bishop. 1990; South African resistance leader, Nelson Mandela, was released from prison after more than 27 years.

Picture Of The Day: Monday is Saint Valentine's Day and pictures say that very well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Last year, while on vacation, I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. When I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'" 2) Years ago, there was a hotel in Fort Lauderdale with a rotating restaurant on top but I couldn't afford the prices. So, I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and gave her a burrito.

3) I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. Maybe I'll try studio apartment cheese or mobile home cheese. I don't think I'd eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. 4) Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

5) At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 11th: The post-office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that for once is neither ticking, covered in mysterious powder, or have red-stamped urgent all over it. Like your life, peanuts can be dried, roasted, blanched and put inside little potato coatings. Bartenders may have a surprise in store for you this week. Also keep on the lookout for butch hairdressers. If you never liked sprouts before, try them again. Your tastes may have changed

Birthdays: Lydia Child. author and abolitionist 1802, Alexander H. Stephens, political leader 1812, Thomas Edison, American inventor 1847, Sir Vivian Ernest Fuchs, geologist and explorer 1908, Joseph L. Mankiewicz, director, screenwriter, producer 1909, Eva Gabor, actress 1919, Farouk I, king of Egypt 1920, Burt Reynolds, actor 1936, Manuel Noriega, Panamanian General 1938, Sheryl Crow, singer 1962, Jennifer Aniston, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

An old man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentine cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet displays of hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."

The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods." The old man says, "Really?" The clerk said, "Yes sir, they’re called darts."

Jack asked his friend, Jimmy, whether he had bought his ex-wife anything for Valentine's Day. Jimmy, a bit surprised, said, "Yes, In fact, I bought her a new belt and a bag." Jack said, "That was very kind of you, seeing you're divorced and all." Jim said, "I hope she appreciated the thought and that I still think about her. Hopefully, the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Honey Bear

P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

Sam and Rachel are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to her, "Rachel, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?" Rachel replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." Sam says, "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." Rachel replies, "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." Sam says, "Three times? Well, when were they?"

Rachel says, "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" Sam said, "Oh, Rachel, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

Rachel said, "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

Sam said, "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" Rachel replied, "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

That's it for today my little sugar corn pops. Remember, the trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. Later, I'm going to AREA 51 and see what's happening. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Julie said...

We already have our reservations for dinner with instructions for them to chill the wine before we come. After 37 years I just tell him what we are doing for the day and what it was he bought me, LOL.

jack69 said...

Man I am so pi$$'d at you. I thought 'That Jimmy is cool got all these women so I took your advice. The other night when I took off my socks she said: awwwwww at least with my hearing that is what I thought.

Yep ,I thought I would just try before V day. So tonight I wrapped my socks, bow and all.

What is the number of your proctologist?

(And I already had my skivvies ready for Monday! Crap!)

And I hope the belt and bag don't fit your ex's vacuum!!!

(Sherry is already in bed, she says, I know you are reading Jimmy!) Thanks for the laughs!!!!

Ally Lifewithally said...

Awwwww Jimmy I love what you bought your ex wife ~ brilliant idea :O) and you have given the men some good advice ~
I will maybe send myself a V~Card so I don't feel left out ~ Ally x

Rose said...

Forget the chocolates and's jewelry that women want! hehehehhehehehhe

Paula said...

Wow! Jimmy you are quite the expert. All sounds like good Valentine's advice to me. My daughter brought me a rose boquet with a card that says I not only consider you my Mom but my lifelong friend. Isn't that sweet?

Joann said...

I always heard that yellow roses (in Mexico) meant a breakup... so I looked it up.... not so, it means DEATH!!! Guess that's a sort of breakup, huh?!?!

Here's just one of the many websites that shows rose color meanings.