Friday, February 25, 2011

The Waste Is A Terrible Thing To Mind

Does your day-to-day functions and chores interrupt your Facebook life? Do you find that you don't have enough time to maintain Farmville? Well, cheer up, Bucky, I've got the perfect answer for you. From the makers of ShamWow, It's the new handy, dandy Craputer.

Don't let minor necessities like urinating slow you down. Now you can dump your girlfriend or boyfriend on Facebook and take a dump at the same time. Additionally, Facebook is building a new cell phone. It's pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school.

There are minor drawbacks to staying on Facebook 24/7. The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are.

Even former president Georgie "Dubya" Bush, loves Facebook. Dubya, promoting his new book, recently visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.

Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin. Just think, if you give a person a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a person to use the Internet, they won't bother you for weeks. So, get with it Sparky! Get the new handy, dandy Craputer and and tag some pictures (Charmin toilet paper not included).

The News As I See It: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C.

The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.

Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago.

Budget airline EasyJet apologized to Jewish passengers for only serving pork on a flight to Israel. Still, that wasn’t nearly as bad as their in-flight entertainment, a Mel Gibson double feature.

The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It’s not a stimulus package, it’s a "don’t overthrow me" package.

President Obozo has appointed AOL founder Steve Case to the White House jobs council. Hiring the founder of AOL is expensive, but Obama got a CD-ROM in the mail that offered 100 free hours.

This Date In History: 1570; Elizabeth I, queen of England, was excommunicated by Pope Pius V. 1836; Samuel Colt patented the first revolving barrel multi-shot firearm. 1870; Hiram Revels became the first black United States senator, taking over the term of Jefferson Davis.

1901; J.P. Morgan formed U.S. Steel Corporation, the first billion-dollar corporation in the world. 1948; Communists took control of the government in Czechoslovakia. 1964; Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion for the first time by knocking out Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.

1983; Tennessee Williams, American playwright, died. 1986; President Ferdinand Marcos fled the Philippines; Corazon Aquino took over the office. 1990; Violeta Chamorro was elected president of Nicaragua, a victory for opponents of the Sandinistas.

Picture Of The Day: President Barack Obama and wife Michelle were not among those to get a gold-edged invitation to the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton. British officials said the attendance of the president would require too much additional security. Funny, as rapper Kanye West was invited – and he travels with as large an entourage as any president. Word has it that Barry and Michie will take a lesson from White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi and go incognito.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 2) Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute? 3) The reason that it is so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking is because those men already have boyfriends. 4) Impotence is Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." 5) I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. tomorrow......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Pisces - February 25th: The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. Horrible smells and green patches on your body may make your day turn sour. Body odor may haunt your chances with a certain member of the opposite sex.

Hearing clicking noises in your head is not a good sign for you today. Although you have been getting gradually more and more tired over the last few days, you'll find new energy this weekend. Any film you watch over the coming weekend will stay with you forever. Please ensure the film is not Tomb Raider.

Birthdays: Pierre Auguste Renoir, French Artist 1841, Enrico Caruso, tenor 1873, John Foster Dulles, Secretary of State 1888, Dame Myra Hess, pianist 1890 Anthony Burgess, novelist 1917, Bobby Riggs, tennis player 1918, George Harrison, musician 1943.

Here's my newest video. I hope you enjoy it. Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the couple was looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. She said, "Honey, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The husband thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" The husband, "She's my mistress." The wife says, "Well, that's the last straw! I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

Her husband says, "I understand, but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. His wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" Her husband replies, "That's his mistress." His wife says, "Ours is prettier...

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "Hey, while you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

That's it for today my little onion rings. Remember, life is like a bird in a tree. It's pretty cute until it shits on your head. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour and I'm definitely not going to park under that same tree as last time. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

I don't remember the last time I had an Onion Ring or was called one! hehehehhehehehe

Great Post Jimmy!


jack69 said...

I want one of 'em Craputers!

I thought about telling Sherry I am an onion ring now, she likes 'em. Sooo
Thanks for the laughs, going to find an electric blanket, up to 17 tonight I hear.
From Ypsilanti, Sherry & JAck

Heli gunner Tom said...

Nice singing, Jimmy!

Tom S

Myra said...

OMG...this is hilarious! You are more in touch with the pulse of America than the current, ahem, administration! Have you considered running in 2012??

Jennifer Pelliccia Barnwell said...

1st time visiting your blog. I thought it was awesome. It made me giggle, loved all of it & you have a beautiful lady ; )
Thanks for inviting me.
PS, I'm not sure how we know each-other. I think either through friends or family ... Cause I don't really remember meeting you.
Though, I am pleased to meet you now. I have seen your political statements & I agree with you.
I look forward to reading future posts !!

Joann said...

Jimmy, great voice of course, and great video... but girls butts have nothing to do with route 66, really, you won't see them there.... well, maybe YOU will. LOL!!

Thanks for the laughs!!