Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The difference between the government and Uranus is that you can trust Uranus !

The major networks (and even the motley CNN) seem hell bent and determined to keep Libya as the number one news story each day (Charlie Sheen notwithstanding). Hey, screw Libya! Let's keep our incompetent, lying, thieving, flip-flopping President and Congress as the headline until they are able to cut spending and pass a budget for 2010.

Are these idiots ever going to pass a budget? They seem to have time to grant themselves pay raises and cost of living adjustments (which Social Security recipients do not receive), but they can't stop spending and they don't seem to want to resolve the budget and the soaring national debt.

Until these things are resolved, I really don't care to have a daily update on Libya or any other subject. Priorities and charity begin in the home. When America has it's finances in order and Obamacare gets repealed or amended so it actually works, the news networks can stick international news on the back burner.....better yet, stick it where the sun don't shine.

The News As I See It: Beginning in early Spring of 2011, gas stations will start showing porn movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can watch someone else getting screwed at the same time that you are.

Wisconsin Republicans are accusing the missing Democrats of secretly sneaking back into the state to visit their wives. Now there's a twist, a politician sneaking into his own house to have sex with his own wife.

Republican Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at the Republican convention.

In the new movie "Rango", a chameleon beats the bad guys by using the element of surprise. It’s the same way I use to approach dating. Chameleons aren’t the only animals that change their skin color. So does a fish, an octopus, and Snooki from Jersey Shore.

This Date In History: 1796; Napoleon Bonaparte married Josephine de Beauharnais, widow of a former French officer executed during the revolution. 1841; The Supreme Court ruled that the Amistad slaves were free. 1862; The first battle between two ironclad ships, the Monitor (Union) and Merrimack (Confederate) occurred, revolutionizing naval warfare.

1933; The special session of Congress known as the "100 days" opened, launching FDR's New Deal. 1964; U.S. Supreme Court issued N.Y. Times v. Sullivan ruling. 1990; Dr. Antonia Novello was sworn in as both the first Hispanic and woman to be U.S. surgeon general.

Picture Of The Day: De-motivational posters are today's subject. A picture says a thousand words. Georgie "Dubya" and some of the others do not have the same ability......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Thanks to all the people who have sent me email, I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. 2) I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. 3) I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

4) I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. And thanks to the great email advice, I can't ever pick up the $5 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

5) If you don't email this advice to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your sister's back, causing her to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Pisces - March 9th: Tensions could rise over coming days when someone close to you opens your mail and then puts it in a drawer without telling you. This kind of domestic level issue will irritate you and cause you to act increasingly petty, culminating in the setting up of webcams in your downstairs bathroom, which feeds directly onto ""

Money is literally no object for you this week as you lose all your money. This week is going to be one of those "trials by fire" type nightmares that happen every so often. I wish I could give you more details but then you'd have no good reason to return over the coming days, would you? The likelihood is that you're going to feel very miserable about it and for a few days you might sport a "pout" that could actually win awards.

While you may think that this horoscope is completely useless, I have to admit - I have a very guilty secret. You see, all horoscopes are completely useless. There - I said it. Now Mrs McGinty who taught me everything I knew will rue the day she said I couldn't make it as an astrologer! Curse you Mrs McGinty! A flurry of exclamation marks will come back to haunt you later this month as an email comes true.

Birthdays: My pals, Dianne and Ginny. Happy Birthday Ladies! 19XX, Victoria Mary Sackville-West, writer 1892, Yuri Gagarin, cosmonaut 1934, Raul Julia, actor 1940, Bobby Fischer, chess player 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two ducks were flying south for winter when an Air Force jet overtook them at around mach 5. After about 40 mid-air somersaults and feathers flying everywhere, they managed to compose themselves and one duck says to the other, "Did you see that?" The other duck said, "I sure did! Gees was he moving!" The first duck says, "He sure was, but so would you if you had two assholes and both were on fire!"

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and states, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

The little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher said, "That must have been scary!" The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Dutch for her contribution to today's stories.

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. She guessed, "Is it wine?" The little boy said, "No." She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" The little boy said, "No, it's a puppy!"

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there a little too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in there for a while. Billy says, "I'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet." His mother says, "Okay, you can stay there a few more minutes but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Billy says, "It works for Ketchup."

That's it for today my little tinker toys. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. It's hump day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Sherry said...

I am just going to get a little religious on you, AMEN to the opening.
Thanks for the laughs also as usual. Sherry ain't been here yet cause I have her computer.

YOu know I am old because we are now in a motel, she is in the bed, and I, I am playing with her computer. Some times OLD ain't no fun. hahahaha

Rose said...

I absolutely love your "Printable Things I Never Told You" I feel like I'm reading your personal diary! hehehehhehehehehe

Hugs, Rose

Julie said...

I 2nd that Amen on the opening. Great post.

Joann said...

Yes, great main subject today!!!

LOVED the funny about the stuttering kitten... LOL!!!!